Doubt, knowledge and love

[nbumblebee]

Hi,
I am back to doubting nyself doubting this abuse word doubting why I am here. Hes been ok no big flar ups for 2 weeks now longest in a long time so am now thinking is it me? Am i just messed up?
Are things here just normal every day marriage sthff? Yesterday he came home walked in shouting asking me why i hadnt done something being sarcastic he knew i was (detail removed by moderator) which he knows is breaking my heart but he still moaned. He was then nice after but no apology he just wanted sex which he didnt get!!
Isnt that just normal? But now today i am running around so that i get what he moaned at done thats me being scared and not wanting another argument so thats my fault. Is this actually all me?
He puts me down all the time but is that me again he makes me feel so low i self haem but thats me again he confuses me wont let me work but is that me not standing up to him?
Does anyone else doubt themselves when things are good well quiet?
My other question is love. I dont tbink i love him i really dont. How bad is that after (detail removed by moderator) of marriage I really dont love him. I feel such a b***h for saying that out loud. Im too much of a chicken to ever leave Im here this is my life as sad as it may be at times. Anyone else struggle to love their partner or is this one just me?

[Anonymous]

Hi Nbumblebee,

It’s crazy how they change the way we see abuse. I’m out of the relationship now, but looking back, the intense was so bad and traumatising that the everyday abuse seemed like peace. But I don’t think a day went by without something off.
If you were in a non abusive relationship, you would communicate things and not have to stand up for yourself. Standing up for yourself to me sounds like something you do when you are under attack.
Some abusive men don’t allow their partners to work so they don’t have money to escape, and they become dependent on the abuser. Also you could meet people who would be able to identify that you are experiencing abuse and tell you so. Plus they can be jealous and don’t want you meeting men, which could potentially lead to a way out of the abusive relationship.
You are not bad for not feeling love for your husband. He is bad for making you feel that way. I’m happy you reminded me about how much I hated my partner sometimes. I’m in a situation where I can’t stop contact or ways for him to get to me. Somehow I’ve been reminded of how much I loved him. And started going down that same route you have…is it/was it abuse and is he a decent human being? And maybe it’s me who has the problem.
I recognise that every word of self doubt was planted into my head by my ex over many years. But recognising that doesn’t stop the thoughts from taking over.
Sorry I haven’t been able to provide solutions. I still need them, and it takes time. But it isn’t you. And you shouldn’t feel bad for not feeling love for someone who puts you down constantly and then wants to use you for sex.
You are lovely.
Best wishes xx

[nbumblebee]

@ocean I just read your other post too and am so glad that I have helped in a tiny way to make you see that it wasnt you. You really shouldnt doubt yourself you are always amazing. Stay strong x*x

[Anonymous]

Hi there bumblebee, just wanting to say I can completely relate to a lot of this . I too have days where I think is it really that bad , is it just me ? I feel the word ‘abuse’ seems too extreme for my situation despite the fact I have been told by others including women’s aid councillors I’ve spoke to in the past that it is .
I think these types of men have a way of somehow making you think that it’s never them who are in the wrong .
My partner makes it impossible for me to have any kind of a life of my own , he does it in what would seem subtle ways and it’s hard to explain but it feels as though he’s holding me back all the time . I have no job no friends no social life my life is just the house and kids and him . I too feel like I should just stand up for myself – which to be fair I do do sometimes but it’s never worth it because it’ll then be followed by days of him giving me the silent treatment and the tension in the house becomes too much to bare then . Anyway what I’m trying to say is I understand .. as for the love thing , I don’t think this kind of toxic relationship can ever be described as love, not really . I doubt myself constantly though and totally get where you’re coming from there .

[nbumblebee]

Thank you so much. Im so glad im not alone here Honestly some days i just feel im crazy like this is all me not him. Then he goes off on one and them im like yep there he is and im struck by how nasty he is. Today our son is (detail removed by moderator) i am devestated i cant stop crying and feel sick about saying goodbye my husband just moaned at the fact I brought our kid a (detail removed by moderator) for his new flat!!!! He hasnt even given him any words of support thinking back hes never been a hands on dad. Makes me so sad. I feel ive failed them too. My life isnt right the way he treats me isnt right I know that now but what i dont understand is why what did i ever do wrong? How can i fix it so he loves me and so that I can maybe love him back?? No answer to that i guess.
Hugs ladies thanks for answering and sharing x

[peppa-pig]

I remember this feeling all the time. I did everything I could to keep him happy but it never was good enough no matter how hard I tried, the days he was calm was the days he wanted sex, and after a while i stopped having sex with him.. I doubted myself so much in every aspect as a gf as a mother, sometimes still do to be honest, but I realise that it was just him his voice inside my head making me feel rubbish about my self I still her that voice now with certain things but I know in my heart and mind that all that doubt is him not me,
Never doubt yourself you are a strong woman and deserves so much more than to feel like this!

[nbumblebee]

@peppa-pig Thank you for your reply.
I feel the calm is so much harder to cope with than the storm just walking on eggshell waiting for him to blow up is just so hard.
I just feel as if I should make more of an effort maybe then he wouldnt have a reason to blow.
Thanks for your kind words, take care x

[ISOPeace]

Hi nbumblebee, it sounds like you feel like you don’t know which way is up any more, which I know is a horrible feeling. Two really important things related to your post jump out at me:

1. Your post shows how abuse is a total head f*ck. Abusers want us to feel like our brains are scrambled because it’s how they can get away with the abuse:
i) if we’re busy desperately trying to work out what’s going on and how we can make it better, we’re not looking at what they’re doing
ii)if we’re constantly confused about what’s going and trying but failing to make things better, we feel useless and powerless, which keeps us stuck under their control

2. We all judge or have judged ourselves against what you might expect in a ‘normal’ relationship. It’s understandable because our abusers convince us that it isn’t abuse, or it isn’t that bad etc. But the reality is that it’s like tying someone’s hands behind their backs and expecting them to play the piano. It’s not realistic to expect yourself to do what somebody in a normal relationship would do, because you’re not on a level playing field with your husband. You’re not even playing the same game.

In a healthy relationship, both people have the intention of wanting mutual respect and empathy between two separate people and genuinely wanting both people to be happy in the relationship. Of course there will be times when this isn’t the case, but this is the case most of the time. In an abusive relationship, only one person has this intention (you). The abuser instead cares primarily about getting and maintaining control over the other person. They feel entitled to do whatever they deem necessary to force their partner to comply. In other words, they are playing by completely different rules, which means that normal relationship advice is at best not helpful and at worst damaging.

I think it’s easy to forget is that the pattern and context of his behaviour completely changes whether each individual incident is abusive. For example, imagine a husband does something that the wife doesn’t like, but she doesn’t say anything. In couple 1, let’s say there is no power imbalance, both people are empathetic and respectful but for whatever reason the husband doesn’t know there’s a problem. In that case, it’s reasonable for him to expect his wife to tell him if there’s a problem and you could say it’s her responsibility to set her boundaries. In case 2, let’s say there’s a background of coercion and threats. The wife doesn’t want to say anything because, based on past experience, she knows she will be punished for standing up to him and it will not make him less likely to do it in future anyway. It shows that setting boundaries is futile when the other person has no intention of respecting them. In order to maintain control, the husband has created an environment where his wife standing up for herself is too risky for her emotional and/or physical safety.

In case 2, the only way the wife can assert her boundaries safely and effectively is to leave. But the husband has created a trauma bond through the manipulation, threats and coercion, so she feels frozen and that the only safes option is to stay. She’s not weak, she’s not a chicken. She’s doing what trauma bonded people do. It takes time on unhook yourself from that bond enough to find the courage to leave, but you will do it in your own time. You don’t have to feel anywhere near ready to do it now. I know how it feels to think you’ll never be strong enough to leave and yet I did find the strength eventually and so can you, when you’re ready.

I felt really sad reading that you feel like a b***h for not loving him. The shame you feel about it is what he has conditioned you to feel. My first thought was “why would you love somebody who doesn’t respect your basic human rights and deliberately makes you feel powerless?”. If your daughter had a partner who treated her the way your husband treats you, would you expect her to love him?

Try not to judge yourself harshly when you think it’s your fault. You are not in a normal situation, your choices are not the same as in a healthy relationship. You’re doing the best you can with a husband who constantly puts you in impossible positions, but makes you think he’s not doing anything wrong. It’s so easy to think that if you just tried a bit harder, he wouldn’t blow up. But even if you were able to do everything he demands, when he wants it, he would move the goal posts. His demands aren’t simply about wanting sex or whatever it is he says, they’re about being in control. He will find a reason to blow up, because the blow ups aren’t him losing his temper, they’re done to show you how powerful he is. Even if his demands/expectations seem reasonable, in a healthy relationship, it is always ok for you to say no without fear of punishment in any way. When there is a background of threats, coercion and punishment, you can’t separate any reasonable demands from abuse, because you know there is a always the risk of punishment. And he knows you know that, because that’s how he wanted it to be. But of course, he convinces you that he’s not doing anything wrong and that you’re the problem.

Sending lots of love xxxx

[nbumblebee]

@isopeace Thank you so much for your reply. You are so right all this really is a total head f**k and sometimes when they are nasty and saying the nasty things and whatever its so much easier in a weird way. I found myself telling him (detail removed by moderator)! I couldnt believe i actually said it myself. All i ever do is to try and please him doesnt feel like much of a life. Your reply really does make ao much sense I just dont know where to go from here. Xxxx

[DinkyHorse]

Hi nbumblebee,
You are not alone. I also feel this way on the good days and the bad days..constantly doubting if it’s actually abuse or just me..thinking things like “if only I had/hadn’t done/said that it wouldn’t have happened/been as bad”, “why do I always find a way of annoying him” etc. Arguments happen yes but they shouldn’t b**w up out of proportion for something ridiculous (always an occurrence with us). But if he ever does or says anything to hurt me I just brush it off and don’t say anything because I just want to keep the peace and not argue. Or I’ll say sorry without meaning it or believing I need to just to end the argument and move on because it’s exhausting! Like you we’ve been okay for a while, but just waiting for the next bad day.
I don’t think I love my partner either, and often even dislike/hate him. This does not make us bad people or b****es, like ISOPeace said why would we love someone who treats us this way? It’s natural to feel like that because these are not healthy loving relationships.
Sending love and hugs, we will be free of this one day xx

[nbumblebee]

@dinkyhorse I needed to hear that as sorry as i am that you are here too knowing its not just me actually helps. Sending you much love and hugs x

[gettingtired]

You’re not alone, I don’t think I love mine anymore either. There was a time when I would have laid down my life for him but now I don’t even want to hold hands or show affection. Even on the good days when he’s being ‘normal and nice’, it feels more comfortable to see him as a close friend that I have a laugh with than a boyfriend. I don’t feel safe with him anymore and I’m sure you don’t with yours either. It’s the trauma bond keeping us stuck as well as years of brainwashing and gaslighting. My therapist told me gaslighting is so much more common in society than we realise. It’s happened to me so much without me even being aware I think. Until you have an understanding of these tactics they use it’s difficult to think clearly. To be honest though, just living in the abuse means my mind feels muddled a lot so it’s not always easy to think straight. Even now I’m having brain fog writing this!
Please don’t feel bad for not loving him. If someone else described the same behaviour to you I’ve no doubt you wouldn’t think badly of them for not loving the abuser.
Sending a virtual hug x*x

[nbumblebee]

Thanks so much. I just feel like I should give up.
Not see my therapist anymore not be on here not try anymore just go back to being a doormat life was so much easier b4 I saw I was happy I think I actually cant remember but im sure i was.
All this crazy head messing and opening up is so painful so hard I wonder if its all worth it at all.
Sending you much love and strength xx

[Freeforever]

Hi I’m new to here, I wanted to drop a comment on this post and the point you mention.. I do not love my partner nomore I do however love my home we have literally build ! That’s what keeps me and my daughter as part of me thinks why should I go ? Lately I have been standing up for myself more not even caring of the terrible fights it starts.. how can you love someone who treats you so mean.. or how could they love you to treat you so mean..? Then after the abuse they apologise and your meant to just accept it and move on. If your not smiling be questioned what’s wrong? I actually wish my partner would die. Harsh yeah I agree but I feel so trapped !

[nbumblebee]

Nope not harsh I often have dreams that he dies.
Thank you for your reply. I have tried to stand up to him and often do but it often goes over his head he really doesnt care as long as he has food on the table sex on tap and looks to others how amazing he is thats all he cares about.
This forum is amazing use it to help you and guide you so you understand and face the situation you are in.
Good luck stay safe x

[Author]

Posts