29th July 2020 at 10:34 am #111173OceanParticipant
I am now separated, and we have children together. I have concerns about our children being with him, and his family. I believe any parent would be concerned too. But the children want a relationship with their father and ‘don’t come home with bruises and broken bones’ as a social worker said. He says terrible things about me to the children, and continues to behave in a way that puts them at risk. This leads me to feel, stressed, worried, and hopeless.
The social worker’s recommendation to the court giving their father access, makes me doubt my concerns. As their father would regularly belittle me, and minimise everything he did. The gaslighting was so clever that I still doubt my perception.
How do you cope with your children going with their father when you know they are at risk with him? And how do you consistently recognise that the risks are real, and you aren’t the bad one?
29th July 2020 at 2:17 pm #111177LottieblueParticipant
I just want to offer you support. I’m afraid I can’t offer you advice but someone will be along soon who will be able to.
This will bump you back up a bit and hopefully you’ll get good advice soon. Well done for having the strength to get out. I wish I had.
29th July 2020 at 2:46 pm #111178BalloonsParticipant
Hi Ocean, I totally get where youre coming from, I a very similar position myself. What I find helps is talking to as many supportive people as possible. It is so hard isn’t it? After years of our brains being messed with how do you learn to trust yourself again? I regularly still slip back into doubtsville and I’m hoping that in time it will get less and less. You have try and hold on to what you know to be true. Have you got support from your local womens aid? Or family you can confide in? It must be so hard when it seems like the social worker is down playing it all, after the battle its probably taken you to take it seriously. I suppose I would try and remember that in the eyes of the courts contact is seen as important for the children for even the worst abusers (through contact centres etc or indirect contact). The idea is that a relationship with both parents is whats best for the child, but i think this is massively outdated when it comes to abusive relationships. It sucks, and i wish it wasnt like that and that I had better advice for you. I suppose I wanted to let you know that it is fairly “normal”, and despite what others may say to try and remember the truth and that you’re definitely not going crazy!
Have you read the book “When dad hurts mom” by Lundy Bancroft? I found this to be very helpful especially in understanding how men continue to abuse their partners through their children post separation.
Hope you’re doing okay xx
29th July 2020 at 2:50 pm #111179BalloonsParticipant
also, regarding how to cope knowing that your children are at risk is a really hard one. Im not too sure of the details of your situation, but if they are in immediate danger you need to contact the appropriate services straight away. If its like my situation where they are at risk from being manipulated and used emotionally.. i really am not too sure. I worry about this a lot too. Someone said about just trying to remain a strong and positive influence for them so at least they have it in one area of their lives, but it is so hard isnt it? I will be interested to see if anyone else has some advice on this. X
29th July 2020 at 11:09 pm #111206OceanParticipant
Thank you for the replies. And for the book recommendation. I haven’t read that one. But I’ve read ‘Why does he do that’ by the same author. Also really helpful. I read a lot of books about manipulation and abuse after we separated, and they helped me get through. I have supportive friends now who understand. I’m also doing one of the classes through Women’s Aid. And I have a counsellor. I would have crumbled without all their support. I hope that in time my doubts will go away, and I’ll stand firm.
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