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    • #111185
      Catjam
      Participant

      We had yet another talk. He is annoyed that he has been labelled an abuser by my doctor and the support group. He also believes that I have just misunderstood him the entire course of our marriage and that once I start counselling they will back him up. That he just has a different way of talking and he hadn’t realised how hurtful it was. That he never intended to hurt me.
      I tried to explain that everything was in the early days. The fear and intimidation. That I know he no longer uses the silent treatment or withdraws affection but I always worry he will if I raise an issue.
      Now suddenly he wants the touchy feels stuff I have been craving because he has realised how much he gets out of it.
      I am so confused. He wants me to be intimate with him so we can move forward and work on things but he doesn’t understand that I no longer feel comfortable with him or safe.
      He lists all the ways he has changed, from trying to contain his anger, to spending more time with me but that I am changing what I want.
      He says he has encouraged me to get a better job because he retires (detail removed by moderator) and he needs to know I can provide for us comfortably even though I love my job. I don’t retire for at least (detail removed by moderator) after him so I can’t travel (detail removed by moderator). I have always wanted to travel more but we never had the money.
      I was so sure we were in an abusive marriage but now I am so confused. The support group is so busy with others in so much more dangerous relationships than mine I feel silly getting in touch and feel pathetic.

       

    • #111209
      Wiseafter
      Participant

      Hi Catjam I just realised you posted this yesterday and so hope you’re OK. You are not silly or pathetic. I don’t believe there is a scale for abuse in terms of whether you are in a less abusive situation than others. Sometimes that thought keeps us putting up with awful behaviour because we don’t feel validated. Please don’t compare your situation. All abuse is abuse, it just manifests in various ways, all of them damaging. Its about how it makes you feel and whether your self-respect and boundaries are being violated. If the answer is yes, then it is abuse. People can change, but it sounds like deep down you don’t trust him anymore and in my relationship, once that had gone, there was no going back for me. He seems to be telling you he is ‘trying’ to change but real genuine change comes from self-reflection, taking responsibility and accountability and is shown in actions over time, not quick and easy words that don’t mean anything. You sound drained, exhausted and confused. The confusion just means you end up staying because of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). Maybe try not engaging in any more ‘talking’ with him right now. Detach your emotions, just sit back, observe his actions and don’t react. Stay calm, do things for yourself, write down how you are feeling every day and take some time out to listen to that little voice in your head (sometimes felt in your gut) to really get to the bottom of what you are feeling and what YOU want for your future, no matter what stage in life you are at you deserve to be happy, fulfilled and respected. Remember, you are not alone, we are all in this together. Big hug.

    • #111213
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Catjam. Reading your post reminded me of all the things my ex did to try and make me see that he wasn’t abusive. He also didn’t like knowing that other people knew he was abusive. It didn’t fit with his idea of himself and it damaged his ego really badly.

      He also tried a lot of hoovering, being nice, lots of talking to convince me he wasn’t abusive. To this day, I know that he genuinely believes that he didn’t do anything wrong.

      I agree with Wiseafter, all abuse is terrible. However, what I would say is that in my experience, the physical abuse was the easiest thing for me to pin my certainty on because you can’t doubt that it happened. Psychological abuse can be so, so subtle and it can be all too easy to doubt yourself. More often than not, only you can see it and interpret what is meant by it. It’s in the looks, the tone of voice, the body language, the background history that only you know. I think people are much more likely to doubt themselves over psychological abuse.

      Do you keep a journal or a log? It can be really helpful at times like this to write down everything that you understand as abuse and then read it back in times of doubt. I kept a record for a few days and I recorded a lot of conversations. When I doubted myself, I found that going back over them in the cold light of day was really helpful. In my case, listening and reading back really highlighted the lies and the gaslighting and left me remembering exactly how I knew it was abuse.

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