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    • #73021
      Missbutterfly
      Participant

      Is it normal to doubt yourself after you have got free from abuse, mostly emotional.

      Someone told me I have victim mentality and it has made me doubt myself and feel like I am a bad person.

      Some of my marriage was great but he used my mental health against me, told the kids things about me they didn’t need to know, threatened me and more. When he was sober he was lovely but living with him after he had been drinking meant walking on egg shells.

      I have had counselling and many people close to me say I was abused but I doubt myself and think they are biased.

      Is this normal as this overthinking is making me feel ill. Doesn’t help that he has managed to turn one of our adult children against me which to me is proof that I am not worthy 🙁

      Feeling really sad tonight and obsessing massively.

      Thanks for reading x

    • #73023
      Borntobefree
      Participant

      Hi miss

      You where abused by the sound of it
      My ex used my mental health against me too.. Dont let him win!! He wants you to suffer thats why he using your adult child against you. Hes brainwashing!!

      Please dont feel unworthy
      You are worth more than.him and he knows that!!! Do not let him get to you. You are strong 💪 beautiful person

    • #73028
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi there, don’t doubt yourself, we’re very good at not listening to our inner voice, but he’s had many years to wear you down. As for your older child, I’ve come to notice that no matter who you are, once someone starts slating you, telling someone how bad you are, how messed up you are, how much they’ve had to put up with, there are some people in this world who will believe them. You could be St.Theresa, and they’d still believe even just one bad thing about you. They’ll have been brainwashed over the years too, they may even copy many of your oh’s traits.my daughter is the most loving giving person, but at times what comes out of her mouth, it’s her stepdads.
      Unless we have something to distract us, we’re very guilty of overthinking, it’s what we do to try to make sense of it all.
      My marriage has been good at times too, all of ours have. It’s what inbetween the good times that’s what hurts us, that’s what’s confusing.
      Keep posting and keep reading others posts, you’ll learn so much. Alcohol is an excuse for someone who’s abusive, it is their get out of jail card, not all people who drink excessively are abusive.
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #73305
      Fragilemind
      Participant

      Hi
      I m new to woman’s aid it was recommended to help me from a friend.
      I am so confused right now, the man I feel in love with and married is someone I don’t know anymore. He uses my mental health (have had extremely bad post natal depression and anxiety) against me and now my sexual abuse from when I was a child. Everything is always my fault I do this to him, I ve ruined our relationship, I m a burden with my mental health.
      Me and my children are constantly on egg shells to see what mood he’s going to be in, or if he’s just going to give us all the silent treatment for days and sleep on the couch.
      I am just numb, I m mentally drained and exhausted. Half the time I think it is me I must have done something so bad for him to treat me this way, but everyone keeps telling me different. Is this normal behaviour? I literally do t know anymore.

    • #73307
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Hey Fragilemind and welcome. As a decent person, it’s hard to fathom why someone you love would treat you that way. But it’s not you. It’s part of the process he uses to control you. I think we’ve all been where you are. You’re amongst friends here x

    • #73309
      Fragilemind
      Participant

      Thank you so much Landy, I just don’t know what to do or where to turn he’s telling me I n stopping him from having a bond with his daughter now who’s (detail removed by moderator) months and won’t go to him as he’s done nothing for her. I went out to shops for 2 hours and it started a full blown argument and silent treatment. (detail removed by moderator) I asked him if he wanted to spend some time with her before work and I only got a response of well she only wants you! I am so mentally and physically drained I just don’t know what to do anymore. Why does he hate me so much he has to punish me

    • #73319
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi fragilemind and welcome to the forum. Believe us when we say you have done NOTHING for him to treat you this way. This is all him, he’s living in a different reality compared to us, so long as we all go along with them, say and do what they want to hear everything’s fine. Step out of line, have your own thoughts or needs and you’re person non grata. Silent treatment is used to punish us, makes you feel worthless, insignificant. You beg and plead, apologise jyst to get them to talk to you, they absolutely love seeing us like that.
      Can I say you might not have pnd, a lot of the time when we live with abusers because a new baby is on the scene it’s too easy to blame that rather than the real cause of the way we feel. The symptoms of depression and domestic abuse are identical. It’s so much to take in, the initial realisation that our oh is abusive. It’s overwhelming.😢
      Listen to what he’s saying to you when he says you’re stopping him from bonding with your child. He’s telling you that that’s what he’s doing to you, he’ll use every trick in the book to make you think you’re a bad mum, that you’re pushing him away. You are not a bad mum, just exhausted and extremely unhappy.you’re not a bad wife, he’s a bad husband.
      Silent treatment for staying out for 2 hours, he’s a joke.
      Keep posting my love, keep reading our posts, you’ll learn so much about the dynamics of abuse, of how every one of us have had similar circumstances. Have you spoken to anyone at women’s aid yet. They can help you so much. They’ll listen to you and more importantly you’ll be believed unconditionally 😊
      There’s a few books you can download if you dont want to buy the books in real format. Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft and living with the dominater. Both are so insightful.
      This forum is a lifeline. It’s where we can be totally honest and open with each other, it’s where we laugh, and cry and where we totally get each other.
      Take care, try not to worry too much, we can help you through this.
      Ps he won’t change , even if he says he will.
      Love to you and your babies IWMB 💕💕

    • #73331
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi to missbutterfly and fragilemind, I think it would be really helpful for you to ring the helpline number on here and speak to a lovely lady who is trained in domestic abuse and can offer sound advice and tell you where to go for help. My local women’s aid were fantastic. The can tell you about the dynamics of abuse, the tactics abusers use and how that makes us feel worthless, sapping our self esteem, confidence and energy. There is also a good book called Living with the Dominator By Pat Craven. Also read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It’s extremely difficult to concentrate and work out what’s happening to you when all your brain power is tied up trying to stay safe and in survival mode. I reckon I was working on twenty percent of full capacity while the other eighty percent of headspace was taken up by the fog and confusion that abuse bring. That’s why it’s all so confusing and a sure sign of abuse x

    • #73332
      Fragilemind
      Participant

      Thank you IWMB, I ve literally sat her reading what you say and just sobbed. Your words hit home so much and every bit I relate too. My children are suffering especially the older one he doesn’t understand why one minute it’s good the next he’s doing everything wrong. Parents are desperate for me to break from this relationship and said they are so worried about me, but I m petrified of up rooting my children as we moved away from everyone for his reasons. How do I explain to them, everytime I think I have the strength I curl back up in my shell again but my children are my priority and they are not thriving. I also don’t want them growing up thinking this is an acceptable relationship to be in.

    • #73340
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi fragilemind, it’s great to hear your parents know what’s going on. You really need to get the help of WA you help you see through the FOG (fear,obligation and guilt)Google this, it’ll help explain why your so scared. They can talk you through how to make a safe exit plan. I’ve been with my oh fir decades. My youngest was made to feel worthless, sent to his room often,. yes there were times he got on with his stepdad, but looking back I feel shame at how I didn’t leave him. My son eventually left me to go and live with his dad, but the damage is done. He drinks to forget how useless he is, smokes w..d to calm down. We Are a nice family, looking at how my son’s turned out breaks my heart. I’ve been suicidal, as to why my husband hat’s me so much to treat me and my children the way he did/ does. I’m not now. I see it’s the relationship i want Dead not me. I tried telling my son to just be good, keep his head down, do what he wasn’t but nothing was good enough. Hed accuse me of undermining him, mollycuddling my own child, said he was preparing him for the real world. All acceptable reasons in a loving family environment not in an abusive one.
      Children are not capable of explaining how they feel, their brains are not emotionally mature enough, could you give them a journal to write down what their dad says or does, include dates and times and it anyone else was there, how it made them feel. Does the school have a councelling service or could they get your children in touch with someone, or ask through your doctor. This is becoming more and more common now, yes there’s not enough of them(councellors) but to deal with abuser on the scale it really is in society, things will change.
      Six there any way you could start moving sone of your things to your mum and dad’s, you could pretend your clearing things out, going to the skip or charity shops. have you managed to start saving any money up yet. There’s a lling on here that wrll direct you to what you’ll need to take in a safe bag when you decide to leave, paperwork, medicines, clothes,etc. So long as you have a safe time to call the helpline, try and h do it as soon as you can. I know how hard it is, we feel like we’re betraying our oh but it’s him who’s betrayed us, it’s him who’s making you have to end the relationship. It all boils down to power and control 😔
      Keep strong love, you can do this, step by step we’re with you. 💜💚
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #73375
      EbonyRaven
      Participant

      Hi, just wanted to add my support to what’s already been said by the wise ladies here. What is happening in both your relationships is not ‘normal’ or ‘right’.
      We are here to listen, and please do talk to the helpline when you are able.

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