13th July 2021 at 9:58 pm #128743ControlledParticipant
Despite health professionals and wider family saying they believe me and actually remind me of events I had long forgotten reinforcing that abuse took place, why do I still worry no one will believe me (and they are just placating me) and doubt these things actually happened? My husband would often tell me I was mad and that he didn’t know what I was talking about when I brought up past events. He is charming and can convince people of anything….. even convince me I’m going mad.
If I talk to him and he is behaving normally I doubt myself even more. This is why I didn’t tell anyone for a very long time, as I didn’t think they’d would believe me and I didn’t think I would be able to leave. I have one conversation with him and I doubt myself and my decision to leave. Why do I feel the constant need to find evidence to support what has taken place?
14th July 2021 at 3:13 am #128759KIP.Participant
Years of brainwashing and programming by him. Gaslighting and abuse. That’s why zero contact is so important to regain your sense of reality. In a session with a psychologist she said I was reality testing. It comes from living with a liar manipulator and abuser. Remember we live in a FOG of abuse, fear Obligation and Guilt. That’s how and abuser keeps control. Their behaviour is crazy making. They horribly abuse us then act like we are the perpetrator by ignoring us of getting angry with us. That’s so confusing because normal people apologise and are contrite after hurting us. Not them. Twisted dysfunctional damaging men x
14th July 2021 at 7:17 am #128762LottieblueParticipant
Oh my gosh @controlled I can so relate to what you are saying.
I have left my husband now but it took so much strength. I left with very little explanation and I went completely no contact. He spent weeks calling all my family and friends, playing the victim, and some questioned my decision not to “talk” to him, to tell him why I had gone. I don’t think anyone understands when I try to explain that his manipulation and emotional blackmail make me feel like I’m going mad and I have to stay away from him in order to hold on to my own truth. It’s gaslighting – making you doubt your own reality.
It’s really important that you make notes. Write down everything he does or says that makes you feel bad, and write down how you feel as well. Keep going back to your notes. It’s so important to do this, or all these incidents get drowned in your confusion. I opened up a new, dedicated, email account and just sent emails to myself each time something happened. This will help you believe in your truth.
You won’t and can’t change his behaviour by “talking” to him. It will just make you feel bad about yourself. And confused. Stick to your own clarity, your own reality.
Keep coming back. This forum saved my life. Literally.
14th July 2021 at 7:39 am #128763AurielParticipant
Controlled , he’s gaslighting you, these people think they are really clever and think we are dumb and weak when in fact they are just very sick individuals , speaking to him still is just going to further and question your reality of events, your in a forum for manipulated and abused women your family are making you aware I’m sure it’s not meant to trigger or hurt you( even though that’s the result) but you are on this forum for a very good reason , please avoid contact so you can get back to the true reality and not the one he keeps trying to create for you x x x
14th July 2021 at 9:17 am #128764EmptybutfreeParticipant
I can relate to this massively!
We worry so much about not being believed because we have spent so much time blaming ourselves.
It sounds as though you’ve been gaslit and by your words ‘that he is charming’ etc doesn’t mean that other won’t see him for what he really is – an abuser.
Other ladies have said to me, that if these people were awful 100% of the time, it wouldn’t make sense, so of course they have a good side, unfortunately, the good side is fake.
When you’re dealing with an abuser, they can do things over time in more subtle ways so we don’t notice sometimes what is going on, therefore, questioning if the abuse is actually happening – it’s is.
This is your logical self and your manipulated self telling you two different things. You know the reality, keep reminding yourself of the facts. Not words, not the fake, good times, but the person he really is!
If it’s safe to do so, keep a journal of situations, how they made you feel etc… when you see it infront of you, it will be a lot clearer.
You’re a very strong lady, your instincts are correct. Keep yourself safe, you deserve nothing but happiness.
Sending hugs your way xx
14th July 2021 at 10:02 pm #128835littledoveParticipant
It’s called gaslighting. A typical abuser tactic, to make you doubt your reality and confuse the hell out of you.
Please google the term, you’ll find so much helpful information about it.
I can feel that way sometimes too. That some of my friends maybe don’t believe me. It’s because they don’t know anything about domestic abuse. I think I’m confusing their not knowing the ins and outs with them not believing me.
I think they do believe me, they just can’t relate or understand, because no one can unless they have been through it themselves….
Please do not doubt yourself. Every time I went to leave my ex, I always found an excuse to stay. I kept saying “no you have to wait until he screams at you, then that’s a good enough reason to leave.” Once he screamed at me of course I’d then find something else, “no you have to wait until he shoves you, then that’s definitely a good enough reason to leave him.”
I wish I had left from the first red flag…
Now I’m out and I’m so much happier. Albeit I’m receiving therapy for trauma, but getting there one day at a time xx
14th July 2021 at 10:27 pm #128838ControlledParticipant
It has destroyed me and I am physically unwell to the point I gave up living and I have little reason to live even now unless I can become functional , able to earn a living and get out of both physical and emotional pain. I have been lucky enough to have had some very kind health professionals try to help me through it, but even so each day I don’t want to open my eyes in the morning and can’t see a day I won’t be in pain.
15th July 2021 at 7:35 am #128848littledoveParticipant
I know it’s so hard trying to pull yourself out of a dark place.
Have you spoke to your GP about antidepressants? Keep going to your health professionals for support.
Rely on family and friends for support and surround yourself with them
Contact your local women’s aid for support as well.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, you’re healing, and processing everything and it takes a while.
Please be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a lot, but you can take back your life a tiny bit at a time xx
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