Down the rabbit hole

[LovingLife]

I have left my abuser a while ago whilst being away with our child(ren). Since then, we had daily contact for the kid(s). I have mentioned to them that their behaviour was abusive but haven’t mentioned any details as I don’t feel safe to discuss those without a third party mediating or providing a neutral and safe space.

I have asked for mediation, they push back on the finances and want to go for family therapy first because they have been advised that my behaviour might be abusive too. I feel frustrated, annoyed and anxious. I can’t go no contact due to the child(ren) and feel that they are constantly in my space. I have trouble sleeping and my heart rate is through the roof every time I read a message from them or have to facilitate a call between them and our child(ren).

I have heard before that abusers like to turn the tables and accuse the other side of abuse themselves. So I read the whole list of abusive behaviour again. I had days when I lost my patience and shouted because I was so worn down. I had times when I didn’t want to hug or give a kiss because I had already learned about their abusive behaviour towards me and just felt repelled. There were times when I left the room in the middle of a discussion because every word seemed to be twisted that regardless what I said I felt it was pointless. All of these are abusive behaviours. I feel horrible now. Mostly for our child(ren) that they might have two messed up parents. But also, what if I am the one who caused all this?

The behaviour on the other side that has been ababusive: wanting to know where I am every step of the way whenever I went away overnight, this got worse when I was pregnant and we had child(ren). Telling me something was my perception, not what they meant. Claiming I misunderstood things because of a language barrier. Withholding affection and calling me neddy when they disagreed with a decision I made. Telling me how to do my job. Demanding that I see their perspective (but in turn I never felt they bothered to listen to mine). Demanding that I drop everything at work when they “needed” me. Making a large expense (from their account) without telling me the amount whilst we lived from my income only. Controlling when we had children.

I don’t know what to do. I want to be a good mother to our child(ren) and empower them to have contact to both parents. I don’t want to be friends with my ex but have a civil enough conversation for the kid(s). I want to have mediation for the sake of our child(ren) as neither of us trusts the other. I feel blackmailed that they don’t agree with the mediation, say that I threaten with court as alternative and then tell me that my behaviour might be considered abusive. If it has been, I would want to do everything to change and rectify it. Why do I feel though as if I have been pushed down the rabbit hole?

[Lisa]

Hi LovingLife,

Thank you for sharing with us. I hope it has helped to offload on here. It is important to remember you did not cause the abuse or this situation, the only person responsible is the abusive person. It is understandable you feel pressured, it sounds like a very stressful and exhausting situation. Please do keep posting to us when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Author]

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