Drained

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

He will not leave me alone even after the police have told him too. Constant emails and now phone calls again. He saying he wants to see the kids and he misses us all and loves us. I’ve told him before to organise a 3rd party to collect the children because I do not want to see him. He has many family that I’m sure will help but doesn’t want too. I’m also concerned that if he has them it will be fine for the first few weeks but then I know he’s guna start be difficult because I’m potentially using that time for myself. Going out with friends etc I know he will then start stitching the children or stop paying maintenance (he said he will only pay if he sees them) I know in my heart that it will just be constant cycles like our relationship of him being good then causing drama. I’ve told him to go to court so then something will be in writin and legal but he won’t. I’m fed up of doing it his way. He would never harm the chikdren but I know he will use them to get to me. He’s gone to social services and police in the past saying I abuse them which was complete lies. What’s to say I have a night out (which he never let me do) then use that against me to say I’m a bad mother? I’m so confused and drained.

[KIP.]

Keep reporting his illegal contact. This is the most dangerous time for a woman as his abuse will escalate as he loses control. Ring Rights for Women. You can get a civil restraining order with a power of arrest. You deserve to be safe and free from abuse and he will expose your children to his abuse of you which is actually child abuse anyway. I found I had to keep pushing the boundaries by reporting to police. Keep logs and evidence. If he was a decent human being he would leave you alone and go through the legal system to arrange access. You are absolutely right about him using the children. He’s already using emotional blackmail. Block his number and keep reporting to police. Speak to the domestic abuse unit. I found them much more helpful.

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

Thank you. (Detail removed by Moderator) is in process but it needs to hurry up because I don’t feel safe emotionally. It’s his way of getting into my head. He even said a few back that when he comes to collect the kids I will see him and kick myself because I ended things and he won’t want me. He knows exactly what he’s playing at and he truely wonders why I won’t let him see the kids. I’ve logged everything to police but they make me feel stupid and say well it’s not threatening. It is threatening to me though, my emotional well being his games it’s not normal behaviour. I’ve blocked him on everything but keeps making new email accounts and calling on withheld. I could change my number but I have to let all agencies know nd I just haven’t got the time.
Do you think that’s spiteful of me though to say no contact with the kids because I’m worried he will use the free time I have against me? Again it will only probably be threats but if he does contact social services again will they judge me for maybe being hungover sometimes when the kids come back etc are we allowed that free time to maybe drink alcohol in social services eyes? I’m going to call my IDVA today but your support also helps very much so xx

[KIP.]

Try to make the time to change your phone number. It will be quick than batting off unwanted calls and the anxiety that brings. It can be easily done and will save you enormous emotional trauma. It also shows agencies how serious things are and how much you are trying to keep yourself safe. You’re allowed to relax however you like when you have free time but there is no need to tell anyone if you have a hangover the next morning. As long as you can cope with the children. Although using alcohol as self medication is not a good idea. Try to cut back if you can. You’re protecting your children by keeping them away. He should go,through the correct process if he wants access. He doesn’t need access to you for this x

[Chickadee]

Hi.

Wow, those first to sentences really hit home. Mine will harm others, he will go to any length, to harm me, even by harming the children. And he has done the aforementioned.

The psych and emotional abuse is just as damaging mentally and physically as the actual physical abuse, even more. (Detail removed by Moderator) (There are people that are getting this, it sounds like you need to find them). Find a good solicitor that can put some things in place to extinguish the abuse and provide you with peace.

Abusers make threats, mine carries them out. There is always that possibility with an abuser, as it is about control. And they will resort to anything to maintain it. When it comes to safety or threats, it is better not to think it won’t or can’t occur.

It is not a good idea to have a hangover, simply because your abuser will try every little thing to use against you, don’t give him that.
Find a longer length of time alone or something else besides a drink to sooth your tensions. Horseback ride, yoga, laying in the sun.

No abuser behavior is far from normal or healthy.

Here when you need to talk. Hugs.

Chickadee

[Whenwillifindhappiness]

I contacted him!!! Only about the chikdren. I gave him my wishes regarding them and I said that I want someone to do the exchange. Well that didn’t go down very well, he saying he has no one that would do it for him. I’m doin this to hurt him, I won’t see him because I still have feelings, I’m controlling, playing the victim. Wow. After everything he has done to me, assault, criminal damage, mental abuse, cheating, lies, drugs. He still believes has has done nothing wrong? I’ve now opened up a can of worms. I should of left it I really should. But then again it’s made me realise I am doing the right thing. I have him options to see the children but it’s not good enough. I also said (Detail removed by Moderator) a week until I’m ok with it all and again no he wants them more etc what more can I really do? I said go to court and he said they will tell me to stop being stupid and drop them myself. Surely I don’t have to see him if I really don’t want too? I’m adamant this time it’s over and the best way to keep it iOS me stay away from him!!! I need some reassurance please x*x

[KIP.]

Ring the helpline number on here or contact your local Women’s Aid. You do not have to see him. That’s why bail conditions are put in place for you safety. He’s messing with your head which is exactly what happens with contact and exactly why no contact is so important. Ring Rights for Women for free legal advice. You really need a court order in place or he will just continue his abuse through the children. Messing you around. Meantime if he wants to see his children it’s perfectly reasonable he makes arrangements via a third party. I would tell him the rules if he wants access he sticks to them. His conversation shows me he’s only interested in messing with you x

[Author]

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