Early days and struggling to go out of house

[brownteddy]

After many years of struggling to cope with an abusive husband, finally dug deep and moved out. Being a private person I did not discuss the abuse with friends and family until recently. Having got through the last (detail removed by moderator) months of suicidal thoughts I found inner strength to sort me out and get the hell out of there. Having only been moved out (detail removed by moderator) months I have already commenced divorce proceedings. The biggest challenge I know face is leaving the house. Before I would stay at home through fear of going out and being yelled at or belittled. Now its fear of people asking questions. I don’t feel ready to discuss the relationship, the whys hows or whos. Although stronger than I have ever been, friends have sided with my husband as do not know my side. He has told them lies and going for the sympathy vote so in their eyes I am the person at fault.
so difficult thinking if I bump into any of them what do I say.

Any suggestions how to move forward from this?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi brownteddy

That’s so lovely to hear you summoned the strength to get out.

The only thing I can suggest is to prepare something, a stock phrase you are comfortable with. It can anything, but mostly it has to be yours. From something very limited just stating its over, or saying you don’t want to or canrntalk about it.
If these friends are his allies there seems little point in looking for support from them or tying to tell them a different version, becuase chances are they could take any comments back to him.

What do you think?

Warmest wishes ts

[Iwantmeback]

Ive been reading many replies on different forums. Its got a familiar thread on it that the abuser tries to get their story in first. Its lies, but what ive found being on this planet the length of time i have or maybe I’m just very cynical, is that human beings will believe the bad things about someone before they believe the good, u lies they are totally on youre side. You could have been St Theresa reincarnated , but once the badmouthing starts people will believe their lies. There’s no point in defending yourself it uses up too much energy and you need that to heal.
He could use them anyway to report back what you say (willing or unwilling pawns in his game)they can be referred to as flying monkeys you might see that written a lot.
Its hard to go out of the house. I remember once id admitted to myself that i wanted this relationship to end ,i said it out loud to myself, i literally spent weeks on the couch,, covers pulled over my head, rarely going out. Someday I didn’t get dressed or washed. I kinda shut down.
I couldn’t eat, the usual coffee or teas were tasteless. I took to drinking Lucozade . I’m still living with my OH, but I’ve reached out to WA, ive been on here for ages now, some of these wonderful ladies have been here for years. We are all different but we are all the same.
Support comes from the strangest places, what i would say is if people start coming to you and saying how he is, (crying, wants you back etc), just let them know that you realise they think they’re being helpful but you would rather they didn’t pass on any messages from him. Its over and thats all there is to it. I know the more im opening up, the more people i am telling, mind you its people i know, they only know him through me. I’ve not told anyone he knows, mainly because I’m never out with him and in those peoples company.
At the end of the day, you only tell people what you want them to know. Early days my lovely, baby steps. Try and just be kind to yourself.
IWMB 💕💕

[Tiffany]

I told people that my partner was controlling. Saying he was abusive is more accurate, but it’s emotive, and people without the slightest clue of what went on try and convince you it wasn’t that bad. It really was, but I don’t need the hassle of arguing that with every Tom, D**k and Harry. Nobody seems to question it when I say he was controlling, and they are generally more understanding and sympathetic than they would have been if I just said it didn’t work out. Maybe it might work for you too?

[Author]

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