Early Days

[HunkyDory]

Hello. This is my first post. My husband left (detail removed by moderator) ago and is in another country. He was violent, controlling and has left me thousands in debt. It wasn’t constant but when it happened it was horrible, he scared me screaming and shouting in my face knocking things out of my hand etc. Ive been kicked, slapped, punched, dragged, insulted and embarrassed countless times in public. I never told a soul about the abuse until after he’d gone then I told my sister and close friend. At one point I had a bag stashed in the car so I could run the next time it happened but I never did because he was totally dependent on me and I felt trapped. We did have some good times together but once he started drinking too much it always went downhill again. After the final attack which was in front of a lot of people I ended up in hospital and knew I had to end it. So he’s gone and now I feel guilty that he’s going to be destitute even though I have made a financial agreement with him and sent money so (detail removed by moderator). I’m scared he’ll come back. He’s still angry and blames me for everything, asking why I’ve shamed him, then he asks if he can come back! I said no. I wrote to home Office to cancel his papers due to our marriage breaking down but they have not confirmed anything. So there’s nothing stopping him getting a plane ticket and coming back. It’s unlikely but I’m jumpy and keep imagining him just appearing and being here when I get home from work. I don’t get why I feel so guilty and sad. I’m on Prozac and keeping busy with work but he’s constantly in my head. Had no contact for (detail removed by moderator) now, not sleeping well but I’m still worried about him! Why?? Part of me still loves him – I’ve no idea why, I suspect it’s pity rather than love – but I’m so glad he’s gone. Just wish this feeling of guilt would stop and I could just get on with my life and be happy. We were together over 9 years. Thank you for listening x

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi HD and welcome to the forum x

I’m really sorry to read how this man abused you and continues to abuse you from afar. You do not deserve that and you have nothing to feel guilty for. The guilt lies with him and how he chose to hurt you.
Have you spoken with the Police about him and your fear that he may return? With witnesses to how he attacked you, they may be able to speed things along with the Home Office for your peace of mind. It sounds like you either are going through or already have a divorce from him with the financial agreement, but you do not have anything to feel guilty for. You didn’t go into this marriage thinking it would end, did you. If he had cared for you, respected you, loved you and treated you well, none of this would have happened. He put you in hospital, the guilt lies with him.
I can imagine the fear of him returning is causing a lot of anxiety for you. Have you thought about speaking with your GP? Perhaps another medication would work better for you or perhaps therapy is needed so you can release the feelings of guilt. The GP might also give you something to help you sleep though that’s in my experience usually only for the short term. I listen to YouTube videos on mindfulness with themes of relaxation or sleep or PTSD or anxiety, whatever I can find really. There are some voices I favour over others and I find with the guided meditation I can go from having my shoulders raised all the way up to under my chin, sitting on the edge of my seat type of anxiety, to being relaxed with my shoulders back down in their correct position. Perhaps it could be helpful to you, too?
It’s no wonder that a part of you still loves him, there were good times, too. Have you ever read about trauma bonding? Perhaps this could help explain.
I’m glad you have found this forum, so please do keep posting x “Getting it out” can be very helpful to our recovery x

[HunkyDory]

Thank you for your reply Always Sorry. I try to meditate daily, it’s helping me relax a little but thoughts are still racing. I wake up every day with my heart pounding. I’m seeing my GP soon to review the medication. I contacted a local organisation who have booked me in for EMDR treatment but there’s a 4 month wait. The police came to our house before he left as he had been screaming at me again and I was scared, this was shortly after I’d been in hospital. I managed to get out on the pretence I needed petrol for the car and drove to the police. They came back with me. I just wanted him to go and didn’t tell the police the details of what had happened as they said they would have to act and potentially arrest him and I just wanted him gone. Thank goodness he did the day after. Maybe I should talk to them about my fear he will come back? Divorce is going to be difficult for a number of reasons but I can’t think about that now. I drew up a personal settlement, he agreed to it and I’m making the final payment in a few months. I saw a solicitor and she suggested this as divorce is going to be so tricky. I am in touch with an online organisation who are trying to help. I do need to work through why I’m feeling guilt (possibly because he used to say “you brought me here” and that his life would be over if he ever had to go back to his country because of the shame) and maybe another chat with the GP might help. I did read a bit about trauma bonding and I have ordered the 2 books recommended here. It’s almost like I’m responsible for his life. I did absolutely everything for him here and he was dependent on me totally. I feel like I had a child not a husband. He never worked and I paid for everything- hence the massive debt… Thanks so much for your help and listening to me offload, it helps. I kept journals for 4 years and rereading those is reinforcing my belief that I’m right. Thank you xx

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