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    • #51086
      Anewbreath
      Participant

      Hi everyone,
      I am at the point in my recovery where I am sensing I will have trust issues with the next guy in my life. I feel myself fearing intimacy with a man. I am afraid I let another abusive man into my heart. and I sense I have become over reactive to any kind of behaviour that appears (to me) controlling.
      Its only been a couple months since I left my abuser, and in that space of time I have already met another abusive guy.
      I think to myself- what the hell?? Do I have a some kind of marker that says abusers please attached to my head? Well I quickly stopped all communication with the new monster. The thing is with him I was only trying to make a friend and on our first (and last) outing he refused to respect my boundaries- constantly asking questions about my life that I didn’t want to discuss – and said some disrespectful things to me in a such a matter of fact way, you would swear he was just saying hi.
      He is out of my life.
      But now I recognize I fear men (potential boyfriends) in general. I am working on this.
      What are some of the early warning signs a guy is abusive? I think I can tell who they are fairly well now, but honestly any extra advice would be appreciated.
      I have found in my limited experience they are nice but not super nice, and they do seem to think they have a right to whatever information/ thing they want and will push you to get it.

    • #51090
      dustypink
      Participant

      Anewbreath
      I am so sorry to read this! You ‘ll meet your right man!

      You must feel comfortable in the relationship. Trust yourself. Stop everything if you are feeling uncomfortable in any way, dont’t like something he says or do.

      You must say clearly if you don’t like something. And if he still continue – just go away.

    • #51092
      duvetday
      Participant

      Hi Anewbreath,
      Sorry you had this recent experience but that’s great that you’ve realised what was happening and walked away from it. There are some great youtube vids on early warning signs. Search ‘red flags of a n********t’ and you’ll find some. I dunno if I’m allowed to recommend channels/vids on here??

    • #51093
      KIP.
      Participant

      Women’s aid recommend two years before starting another relationship after an abusive one. I totally agree. You are still very vulnerable. There is no rush. Men will always be there. You need to get your self confidence and self esteem back. It’s been way more than two years for me and I’ve been on a few dates. I used those dates to practice setting boundaries and raise my confidence. It’s all about working in your own well being first x

    • #51095
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Early warning signs of an abuser:

      – Very charming, often seems wonderful at first
      – He is super keen on you before you even know him
      – Very persistent, doesn’t take no for an answer or somehow sets up situations so you feel like you can’t refuse ie. buying you tickets before you agree to going to an event
      – Texts and calls a lot, doesn’t give you much space to think
      – Wants to spend all his time with you
      – Your gut tells you ‘something feels off’ but you can’t quite figure out why as he seems so nice
      – Mirrors your hobbies and interests so initially you feel validated and wonderful
      – Pushes for quick involvement, wants to be exclusive asap
      – You notice things that seem ‘out of character’ but brush them aside such as a critical mark here, a mean joke there
      – Seems too good to be true
      – Starts to subtly make suggestions about what you wear, eat, where you work, your friends and family ‘just because he cares about you’ (really this is the beginning of the control)
      – You start to feel like he will be difficult to get rid of if you ever wanted to break up

      I feel the same as you Anewbreath, I dated an abusive man years ago, took years out and then ended up with a psychopath. I am looking for a therapist to help me break the cycle. It’s sometimes because they remind us of someone from our childhood, we subconsciously want to be loved by this person from childhood and also their behaviour seems normal to us. Read up all you can on abuse and see if you can find a good therapist before you start dating again so you can attract a healthy partner. I too fear that I will end up with another monster, like you I met one a few months after leaving, I couldn’t believe it but this time I recognised the red flags and gave him the boot asap! It is very positive you recognised it this time and got rid.

    • #51108
      Anewbreath
      Participant

      Thanks for all the valid and great responses. I was glad I recognized that he was abusive. Something about him seemed off to me before we went out. But I thought to myself “give him the benefit of the doubt”. That is definitely not happening again. I wanted to make a friend to help with my feeling isolated. But I didn’t consider him boyfriend material. Some of the stuff you mention infact, regarding early signs, he did as well. For example he was kinda adamant about suggesting what I could and could not wear. I think to myself if he was so bad the first time we went out….. Its just pure horror to fathom any kind of future with him in it. I told him a couple days after we went out I didnt want anything to do with him. I told him he was unkind to me and made me feel uncomfortable with some of his statements. He apologized profusely telling me he didnt know what he did that offended me. How can a person apologize truthfully and not know what they did? Just another monster.
      Thank you ladies.

    • #51110
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hi Anewbreath

      I’d recommend a book called ‘Jerk Radar’ which alerts us to the red flags of abusers. Its written by Stephen Mc Crea who helped me a lot on a Forum similar to this before I found this Forum. He is an expert in abuser’s and their tricks. And I love his sense of humour. He made me fear my abuser less.

    • #51118
      Confused123
      Participant

      hey hun

      its still very early days for u , u are more vunerable then u realise, but well done for recognising the abuses and breaking away

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