Effect on children

[Whatamess]

So although I’ve been reading within the forum for a while, tonight is the first time I’ve started posting…
After leaving a coercive and controlling partner who attacked me infront of our young children it has taken me (detail remove by moderator) to finally feel less anxious despite my ex still having a lot of our belongings and keepsakes that I collected together.
It has been deemed by the powers at be that my ex should have no face to face contact until completing a domestic abuse course to help him understand the effect he has had on myself and the children. Up until recently he was only allowed photos/videos of the children, which has now developed into video calls.

My children keep trying to process and talk about ‘what daddy did…why he did it’. One of them has even said ‘I don’t want to go to daddy’s because (detail removed by moderator)!’ My ex has not taken onboard the effect it has had on the children because in his mind the children didn’t witness anything.
My little girl is cautious of men, and continually asking questions:(.
I would like to know about anyone’s thoughts on Dad not having face to face access to children for over (detail removed by moderator). Might it have a detrimental effect on their perception of relationships?
And, although my daughter has contact with other family male figures, how can I help her become more comfortable around men in general?

[KIP.]

I think if you are choosing to have contact with someone who hurt you and your children then it may be confusing for her. Abusers don’t care about the impact on children or anyone else and no amount of courses in my opinion will change that. I’d be fighting tooth and nail for zero contact with her father until she is of an age to fully understand and cope with the effects of an abuser. Meantime let her see that there are good men out there and that it’s okay not to trust people until they’ve earner her trust. There’s a good Brene Brown video about trust she might like x There are also courses for children of abusers x talk to WA

[Whatamess]

Thank you for your thoughts KIP. Sadly although my children have had no contact with their dad for a considerable amount of time my ex has been fighting for child access, so although I have done my best to protect them matters have almost been taken out of my hands by CAFCASS who have almost done a risk assessment regarding child access.

I have had feelings of guilt regarding keeping the children from their dad from his perspective as well as theirs, but at the end of the day I have tried to limit their upset as well as me trying to cope with everything thrown at me mentally including me having health issues.

I feel at a time when it is right that the children should have a relationship with their father because of the effect not knowing who he is will have, and of course sadly the law says that both of us have ‘parental responsibility’.

I think that you are right in saying that any number of courses that their dad goes on will not change his controlling, abusive nature:(

[Author]

Posts