Effect on my mind

[phantasmagorical]

There’s been a lot of things going on in my mind that I struggle to relate either to myself or to my relationship with him.

He eroded my trust really early on, which I think was the tipping point for a lot of other insecurities both physical and psychological.

I started feeling really ugly and not deserving of him. I lost quite a bit of weight and people kept commenting I was too thin but because he never mentioned it, and didn’t comment on my spine and ribs being visible etc, I felt like other people were being dramatic and started feeling like I was fat instead. Then he kept suggesting I had body dysmorphic disorder.

It’s more this bizarre scenario when I knew he was lying or that something was up, and he’d act so cold and withdrawn, then tell me I was being really insecure, that my anxiety was placing irrational thoughts in my head, that I was being paranoid, then he’d be sweet and affectionate but rarely back these words up in actions. And I knew there was a disparity between his words and actions, but whenever I questioned it, I felt I was the problem. Even those times I got explosively angry at him about it, at the end of it I’d still feel like the problem was in my mind.

I’ve always been a bit anxious and a quiet person, but since being with him I’ve never been so depressed. I started to take panic attacks, went on anti-depressants, went off sick from work, developed a form of eczema that still won’t go away, IBS etc… I’m not trying to blame him for all these things, but I think the dynamics of our relationship were just sucking me up.

I started to feel like I really was crazy and would tell him that it felt like something was inside my head and eating away at my brain. I felt like I was forgetting all the things I’d ever learned, and more recently I’ve been having these weird drop-outs from consciousness and memory spots in my mind. Like I can be listening to someone speaking and then five minutes later realise I’ve been totally caught up in something, but I can’t even remember what it is. It’s like white noise in my head, like I’ve checked out of reality. Or I’ll be in the middle of an activity and then forget why I was doing it. I was making stupid mistakes at work as well, like instead of placing people on hold I’d just hang up on them, and then be really startled because it was like an automatic response I wasn’t aware of doing. And just forgetting details that previously I could have recalled in my sleep, etc.

I’m just tearing away at my mind wondering about him, and whether I’m just over-reacting and have a mental illness that prevents me from reacting properly in a relationship. Although I have never had this before with anybody, and my friendships are healthy and loving. I’m really sad all the time and my moods can be erratic.

[EeyoreNoMore]

Are you able to speak to your GP? I’m quite worried about you to be honest as most of your posts on here are you analysing your ex, it would be great if you could redirect the focus and concentrate on yourself for a while.

Not sure if you’ve explored anti depressants for a while or therapy? It sounds like you need to spend some time healing and grieving properly.

Have you read the book “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft? I found it absolutely invaluable and it might answer some of your questions. xx

[phantasmagorical]

I’ve been thinking of seeing my GP but I’m not sure how they could help me. I’ve been on anti-depressants before and those particular ones gave me bad withdrawal; it’s made me quite nervous to go on them again. I’m seeing a counsellor but in some ways I feel like my relationship with her isn’t clicking very well, but I don’t want to say to my mum about it as she’s trying to help me.

I’m finding it immensely difficult to separate from him in my mind. The way he’s detached himself from me left me in a state of shock. One day he’s asking what things he should pick up from the shop for our flat, then not 24 hours later his dad contacts me to call it off. All of his lies have really damaged me and I’ve completely lost sense of my reality.

The Lundy Bancroft book is on my to-read list; at the moment I’m reading another one of Bancroft’s books called Should I Stay or Should I Go. Even though I’ve been made to feel welcome on this forum, I still question whether his behaviour can really be construed as abusive. xx

[Serenity]

I read somewhere that abuse actually causes brain damage, if temporary. Plus trauma causes mind fog.

My mind was dreadfully affected by the abuse. My memory was affected, I had dreadful lapses and couldn’t string two words together sometimes.

PTSD also cause mood swings, agoraphobia, panic attacks and all sorts.

The good news is, I’m much more clear minded now. The longer you are out, the more you return to normal. X*x

[phantasmagorical]

That’s quite scary, though I think I have read something similar about how our experiences continue to influence our brain structure and processes all throughout our lives.

One of my friends remarked I wasn’t being very coherent in my speech some time ago, and that even though I’m still not in a good place now, that my speech now seems to have a clear beginning, middle, and end. So I suppose that is progress. xx

[Peaceful Pig]

I think it’s worth considering a different therapist, especially if they are not trained and experienced in dv. It really does make all the difference. Your ex sounds extremely manipulative and you can clearly see tgat the terrible effects caused by this relationship have never happened to you before with anyone else. I completely believed, for many years, that I was ugly, forgetful, incompetent, damaged beyond repair (to name a few). The realisation of the lies and damaged caused is still hitting me all this time on.. Please don’t underestimate your trauma symptoms x*x

[phantasmagorical]

I know what you mean, it’s like when one lie uncovers, then the rest gradually do, and then you start questioning what was real or a lie.

I’ll look into different therapy options. I feel like my counsellor wants me to focus on the “here and now”, but I feel unable to do this.

[Healthyarchive]

I’m so sorry that you are suffering like this. If it is any consolation I felt exactly like this when I split up from him. The way that he was,the way he acted and things he said to me and then the way that he acted after we split up damaged me psychologically. He full blown discarded me from his life. He was the most serious and proper relationship (in my mind) that I have ever had. To go from everything to nothing was so unbearably traumatic, it felt as though somebody close to me had suddenly died. Still now, months later I think about him every single day, trying to make myself stop having these thoughts and trying to work out why I feel so troubled. I am hoping very much that one day I will see some light and better understanding of what I had and am trying to deal with now. Every single day I seem to come up with something that seems to help somewhat. Today i thought that I would consider exactly what it is that bugs me now and then write that down. What bugs me now, the cause of my unhappiness is specifically: having such a close, intimate bond to have that bond of which I have never had with anybody in my whole life. To it going away. He has dropped me. That is the bottom line. so now that I have written that done I can begin to face my stark reality that he has dropped me out of his life without a second glance, stark reality. Once you face the actual thing that is upsetting you so much I think you can start to find ways of putting that right. As the time goes on your pain lessens and your thinking becomes clearer. X*X

[phantasmagorical]

I feel this too, the impact of how sudden it was. Things weren’t great and I was very unhappy, but I still had this knowledge I was going somewhere and things would improve. Then it’s like it was all snatched away.

Writing is a good way to transfer thoughts; when I have the energy I like to write in my journal. It’s weird how they stick around in your mind even though they’ve hurt you, lied to you etc. Like I woke up this morning feeling like I was missing him, it’s so confusing.

[Ayanna]

Your health problems are typical for victims of abuse.
Also the fact that you blame yourself for literally everything.
Abusers look for victims with a lowered self esteem. He has probably destroyed your self esteem completely.

You need to try get counselling.

Medication is not the solution. They just cover the problems and make us numb. I am against medication.
I am rather for natural supplements without the dreadful side effects. I find that 5-HTP is quite helpful. Taken before bedtime I can sleep better and I also became calmer. Although the problems I struggle with did not go away. For this a proper therapy is required which I do not qualify for according to my local NHS.

Speak to your GP. Maybe you are lucky and get the help that you need to build your self confidence back up and deal with the trauma.

Keep posting

[phantasmagorical]

My self-esteem wasn’t great when I met him but I think I was quite strong in my mind. Now I feel like I have absolutely no self-esteem, like it’s been completely demolished.

I’ve heard of 5-HTP a while back; I’ve just looked it up now. I think I’ll order some and see how I go with it. The numbness from medication was weird, as though my emotions were turned down or disappeared. Eventually I felt I’d rather feel something than nothing, but that wasn’t great either.

[Peaceful Pig]

I’m wondering if your counsellor uses CBT or a similar approach? With trauma and post-traumatic stress we are by definition trapped in the past and unable to move forward. The feelings of helplessness activated at the point of trauma prevents normal cognitive processing and so we continually relive the events. Perhaps it would help to read about trauma and recovery and see what there is available for PTSD in your area. Some people have managed to get EMDR through the NHS which is supposed to be very helpful. Personally I have had specialist counselling from WA and rape crisis who have been fabulous. But I also found meditation and yoga for trauma very beneficial. Plus I use homeopathy rather than traditional medication as no side effects and it deals with the root causes. Keep your mind open to whatever feels the right methods for you and your situation x*x

[phantasmagorical]

I think my counsellor is trained in the person-centred approach. Yoga is excellent for relieving stress; I tried some the other day but felt really physically weak. I’ll just trying, building it up by 5 minutes every other day. One of the things I’ve always found instantly calming is lavender oil. Might add some to an oil burner later today xx

[Serenity]

Also, DBT therapy might help X

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