Eggshells and Intimacy

[Byzantium]

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Things were getting better but have gone backwards again. My partner calls me names, is sarcastic and regularly drops negative comments into conversation as a put down. Because of this and our past history it is causing intimacy problems between us. I struggle to feel close to him and my confidence is very low. He blames me for this lack of intimacy and says it makes him feel rejected which I really do understand. When I try to hug him or kiss him he doesn’t really respond much anymore and the last time we were intimate he told me the next day he hated it and it made him feel sick because he was angry with me and hated me at the time we were intimate. This really knocked my confidence. One really stressful new habit is how he will be nice to me during the day and then when we go to bed he will tell me not to think that everything is ok just because he has been nice to me today. He will say that he still hates me and every night he will ask me repeatedly to give examples of what I have done that day to prove I love him. I do get anxious when I’m asked and sometimes struggle to find the words to speak properly and he will either take it as proof that I have done nothing or mimic me and dismiss what I have said. He tells me my parents have screwed me up and there is something wrong with me, he tells me that someone like me shouldn’t be in any relationship because I’m not built for relationships, that I’m an idiot, stupid, pathetic, that I should move all of my things out of the bedroom into the shed and sleep on the sofa. He tells me every night that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me then the next day he is nice to me, is planning our future, talking about things we’ll be doing together and buying things for the house. He has said that he that he felt so angry he could punch me and has said a few times that he was so angry he could stab me. He actually rolled over in the night before we went to sleep and said he could stab me. I asked him what he had said and he repeated it. I honestly don’t think he would ever physically hurt me but it was still a shock to hear those words.

I’ve started looking at the clock in the evening and getting anxious as the time gets nearer bed time because I know what to expect.

He is very close to his family but says derogatory things about mine or my upbringing. He thinks my family don’t like him because they tend to keep away and there is some truth to that. My family didn’t approve of the way he was towards me while we were dating.

I do think of him and I do a lot of little things to help him because I care, I put him first, make him breakfast, I make food for him after I finish work and I take care of the bills because he is struggling to find work. I do these things because I care but he dismisses it all. He wants me to make him feel a million dollars sexually and make him feel wanted which I understand because I want to feel wanted and loved too. It’s just hard to be initiate when he doesn’t respond to small things like cuddles or kissing during the day or he’s said mean things to me. He He has convinced himself I have fertility issues which isn’t the case but he is still upset with me over it. I needed medical tests for other reasons a while ago and he would get so angry if my appointments were postponed or I needed more tests as he felt this was interfering with what he needed and wanted to do.

I felt so guilty over needing to have the tests done. I get anxious when raising certain subjects. If I don’t raise them he gets angry because he had to raise them but if I do he will blame me for something (eg if we had booked a painter and decorator and he postponed or didn’t show up it would be my fault or he would be in a bad mood he would find fault with something else).

He can be really nice and thoughtful when he wants to be. I do think that he needs more intimacy from me but it’s hard to get him to see how his words impact on our relationship and on me. Sometimes I feel I’m being silly and that it is only words but what he says does hurt because it comes from someone you trust and someone you love and though loved you. He’s adamant that he will not make any effort about ‘fixing’ our relationship as he has done nothing wrong, all the problems are mine and it’s down to me to make the effort to put it all right.

I do think that some of the intimacy issues are down to me. I’ll admit my libido has dropped a lot over the last year. I should want to be intimate and maybe he’s right that I am not normal and I should make more of an effort to make him feel loved with intimacy, going out and doing more to show I care.

I wish I knew what it would take to fix things and make things right again. Maybe he’s right and I’m not capable of showing love and intimacy to anyone.

[Watersprite]

Hello Byzantium I just want to say your post has really moved me – probably because there are so many similarities with how my abuser started decades ago but my heart goes out to you. Firstly it’s him not you this is nasty manipulative vile abuse – clever psychological abuse and gaslighting. It is NOT you of course you feel those things and doubt yourself it’s brainwashing. The nice spells never last do they – that is all part of his calculation to keep you – abusers know what they are doing. You can’t fix it because it’s HIM please reach out to women’s aid and reach out to you family. Don’t give him the decades I have mine only for him to get worse and worse with lots of nice spells and so so much harm to me and my children. We are free at last and life on the other side is Becoming safe and kind and free. Please take care of you x

[KIP.]

Nobody wants to be intimate with someone who harms them. You can’t fix this. He won’t ever change but you can x

[Beautifulday]

Hi there
Firstly I want to say this is NOT you! You have done nothing wrong! He is vile abuser and you need to start making a plan to get from him lovely, if he’s said he could stab you? This is a threat and could be reported to the police.
You say you do the bills make him food etc basically he is treating you as his own personal slave and by the sounds of it financially abusing you too, if he’s not working and you are paying everything this is financial abuse, its a different story if he’s actively seeking work but if he’s not this is abuse and using you.

Why would anyone want to be intimate with this men? I’ve stopped being intimate with mine because I feel when you are its like rewarding a pet for bad behaviour!! You are giving them the signal that everything is ok, they can treat you like dirt speak to you like dirt then you’ll be intimate with them if you don’t want to be intimate that is completely your choice and you should never feel pressurised into doing it.

If he puts down your family and makes comments about them this is his way or controlling you, trying to warp your mind into thinking your family are bad so in the end you’ll stop seeing them and he will have isolated you this is what they do this is how they fain control.

With regards to the being nice, if abusers were horrible 100% of the time we would not stay! There is always going to be love bombing , little breadcrumbs of affection, nice holiday, little gift , cooking food etc its again all the cycle of abuse and it makes us question the reality. We think oh they cant be that bad they did this or that, or nought stuff for the home its all fake!! Its to keep you, its to mess with your head, its a drip drip effect. Hes controlling you by giving you tiny bits of affection and nice times this is what keeps you hooked.

Have you called womens aid? I would firstly do this and tell them everything your going through they are lovely and will help you make a plan going forward.
You deserve so much better than this lovely xx

[Speechlessmum]

You story is so like my own, I could’ve written it. It took me a long time to accep (and still working on it) but this isn’t a healthy, loving relationship. Someone who cares about you doesn’t verbally abuse, threaten or demean their partner.
Please believe in who you are and how strong you are and find a way to remove yourself from this situation safely.
It took a long time for me to accept that my partner was abusive, I made excuses for him and blamed myself. I got to the point where I thought I was going mad. Eventually I started keeping a diary and it was reading back through it that made me realise I hadn’t caused it and helped me see I wasn’t losing it.
This isn’t love.

[Tracker]

Thank you @beautifulday you have made me realise tonight that I was too getting financially abused. I thought I wasnt because i have my own money and didnt have to explain my spending, however my ex was completely financially dependent on me. I’d pay all the Bill’s and buy all the food then hed borrow every couple of days for weed and tobacco.

And @byzantium listen to everyone. It is abuse for sure. Even if he dont physically harm you I have just come to realise after many years and you will to that he is still psychologically abusing you. The threats are just as bad. Please get some help to leave the relationship as take it from me and everyone else that they will never change. There are nice times but they dont last

[Camel]

Hi Byzantium

I’ve been offline for a while so sorry this comment is a little late. Your post made me cry.

It really isn’t your fault that you have developed a low libido. But, you haven’t lost interest completely. I think you crave what most of us want – the warmth and comfort of human contact, and maybe sex if you’re both up for it. Your partner has turned something natural into something very twisted and threatening so it’s no surprise you dread bedtime.

I worried when I read your comment about fertility. He’s probably female-bashing, throwing out groundless accusations that you can’t possibly disprove unless you get pregnant. Try not to get drawn into defending yourself. (And don’t get pregnant just to prove him wrong…!)

You are suffering so much abuse yet I don’t believe you see it at all. I hope one day you will and in the meantime that you find comfort and support here x

[Author]

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