Elder Abuse??

[silverlady]

I have just been in a slightly odd situation and don’t know who to talk to about it, but I feel I have lost a massive amount of faith in my partner of (detail removed by moderator) years and he cannot understand why. We are just arguing about it continually, and all I seem to have achieved is to make him angry. Maybe I should let the point go and be friends again, but I don’t feel I can. I am worried for the future.

My partner’s mother is (detail removed by moderator) years old and recently she was admitted to hospital after a fall in which she badly cut her head. She was with a regula carer at the time. No-one is blaming the carer, who is good and conscientious and very upset. It seems to have been one of those things. Luckily no bones were broken – the cuts and bruises and blood loss made everything look worse than it really is and my partner’s Mum came home again the other day.

However, before she came home there had to be a (detail removed by moderator) assessment, which at first, and without family present, she failed. It was tried it again with family:. My partner was observing from a few feet behind. I was desperate to get the old lady out. (detail reoved by moderator)

Later on I found that my partner had discussed things with his (detail removed by moderator) I am shocked because my own experience was completely shrugged off and over-ruled. He keeps on telling me that he was entitled to make his own judgement of this, and he has done so. I now feel I don’t know my partner as well as I thought I did.. (detail removed by moderator)My shock and alarm and very real sense (detail removed by moderator)) to establish this danger now was shrugged off –  I feel my voice counts for nothing. It is not just that I feel that (regardless of the luckily safe outcome) an unnecessary risk was taken but I feel I have been told that my viewpoint – which was really my shock and instinctive sense of danger – is worthless. As I started by saying, and I realise I am repeating myself, I worry for the future. I don’t want to sound melodramatic, but as I have told my partner I feel my world view is destabilised. I now know that my partner, who is not a medical professional, is capable of lying to hospital professionals (detail removed by moderator) and believes that his judgmenet is superior to theirs as well as to mine, when it comes to his mother. I think part of the underlying problem, which he won’t really admit to, is the degree to which he is over-awed by his brother, but this doesn’t really help and I don’t think I can blame just the brother. I feel my partner has broken faith with me – but more importantly with his mother.

Am I being over the top? Am I just upset because of all the circumstances (and yes I am sure I am sure I am still raw after the loss of my own mother (detail removed by moderator) years ago and wish I could have done more there). I don’t want to start stirring up things with the hospital. I certainly don’t want any situation where the old lady is taken away from her home needlessly, especially now she is apparently settled. (I haven’t seen her yet.) (detail removed by moderator)

I don’t mind if someone tells me to calm down and get on with things. Maybe I should. But any advice?

[Lisa]

Dear Silverlady,

Welcome to the forum! I am sorry that I have had to edit your post to remove some detail that I felt might have been identifying on a public forum but I hope that you will get some good advice from other lovely women on the forum. I am sorry that you are having such a worrying time with your mother in law. I can hear that you feel that your husband has disappointed you in how he has behaved towards you and his mother and I am interested in the fact that you mention that your husband and you are arguing a lot and that you are ‘making him angry’. How does this anger manifest itself? Have you had a look at the Women’s Aid website to see if you might be experiencing domestic abuse? I sent you a private message to say that Age Concern might be able to offer you some advice and also perhaps you could speak to your Mother in law’s GP to see if a proper occupational health assessment has been completed. That might help to reassure you that your Mother in law is safe or likewise it will help to further highlight if she needs additional support or care.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[silverlady]

Thanks Lisa, sorry but I am new to this forum and slightly confused. Where is the private message, or is the reply above it?

[Lisa]

Hi Silverlady,

At the top right of the page there should be a little icon with the words ‘Hi silverlady’. There is a little blue circle with a number in it if there is a private message. I wrote you a little one. They are private. Don’t worry at all, its hard to find your way round a new forum. Ask any questions you like and I’ll always try my best to help although I am sure lots of the other women here know their way around the forum even better than I do!

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Ayanna]

Hi Silverlady, I can fully understand your concerns.
When your husband can do this to his mother he can do the same to you one day, provided he will still be fit enough, which is a possibility.
Please follow Lisa’s advice.

Women with increasing age need to be very aware to whom they are married. I cannot trust any man. Nobody knows why some widowers are actually widowers.

[Author]

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