Eldest getting depressed

[Serenity]

My eldest is in the middle of exams, which is not a nice time anyway, but his dad had recently managed to coerce him into seeing him again- probably off the back of giving him money for his birthday.

My eldest has been talked into seeing him this weekend too. I am worried as my ex will have both boys together, and he plays them off against one another and encourages them to compete.

Under my care and in my ex’s absence ( and his not ever having both kids at one), my sons’ relationship has flourished. When my ex was here, they used to fight like pit bulls and it broke my heart. Nowadays, they play football together and watch the football sat next to eachother.

But my eldest son has been low and listless. His mood seems to have dipped. He has lots of friends, but says he doesn’t enjoy going out with them, that hectares this area and wants to move away.

I wonder if he is just trying to flee his dad. He is too scared to tell him to go away.

Part of me worried it is me. I have done my utmost to get past the trauma and PTSD. The house is warm, clean. They have food on the table. They have clean clothes. I chat to them, but try not to be over intrusive or controlling. They do chat to me.

I want my son to find a little Saturday job to give him confidence and price and to expand his skills set. He doesn’t want me to help him, yet has lost the motivation to look. I am worried he is getting depressed and losing a sense of purpose in his life. Just the knowledge that my ex is hovering too close is draining- maybe that affects him too. But I am also worried that I am a depressive influence. I haven’t told them anything negative, but my health issue has been a bit worse recently and I am chronically tired. I want to be bursting with energy and stamina to be a role model of how to overcome the bullying ex, but my body is working against me. I feel shattered all the time and in quite a bit of pain. I can cope with the pain- what I hate is the chronic tiredness.

I feel bad that my kids might pick up on this and find it depressing- though I never mention my illness to them.

When my ex left, we were all on a high. I felt free, my kids begged me not to have him back. I kept the house, I exposed his lies and have melt my kids warm and housed near their community of friends, but my ex has wheedled his way back closer again and I feel that we are all just on tenterhooks, and this drains our energy and immobilises us to a degree.

I am so worried about my son. I don’t want him to feel depressed or that his life is empty or not worth living.

His dad told him that he wished him dead. I have tried so hard to get him back to being at peace and happy.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Serenity, I’m so sorry to hear how your son is down and that you are starting to get worried and suspicious. You sound like you are doing a great job as a mum and have done all that you possibly can to make their lives run as healthily as possible. I know that teens even without abusive influences have hormones are growing pains, do you think this is anything to do with it?

[Eve1]

Hi Serenity,

It’s so hard. I went through something similar with my eldest and now with my daughter and this time I’ve got less energy. I try not to beat myself up, but it’s not easy.

I know you’re son doesn’t want you to help with the job finding, but could you do a little something? Do him a CV, search job vacancies and just present him with it? He might complain or not do anything straight away, but he might look at it later. Just a thought.

You’ve done fantastically well. And HA is right, some of its growing pains. But we know how much harder it is for our children having abusers for fathers.
Much love and hugs. You’re doing amazingly.
Eve
x

[KIP.]

Keep playing the long game. I would remind him he is old enough to make his own choice about seeing his father. You’re setting a great example by sticking to no contact. Also, when you are feeling ill yourself, everything else looks much worse and is harder to deal with. Concentrate on staying healthy. Keep an eye on him from a distance. They have to make their own mistakes. We are there to help pick them up again x

[Ayanna]

I think that you do a wonderful job with your sons.
Would it be an option to have an open and honest conversation with your eldest? About his feelings, dreams, perceptions …
I also think that there is nothing wrong with them knowing that you are not feeling great at the moment. You are only human.
I hope things get better again soon. X*x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

If it helps i explain to my eldest son that i have no contact with his dad as he effects my head and mind mentally and makes me feel low , i explained this is why youngest has no contact too because he has nightmares of the beatings i received, i explained he gave his dad loads of chances but each time his dad let him down, i advise my eldest to think about how the realtionship is with him and his dad and how he feels after, my son told me his dad does three things, pressures him to get us back together, moans that we left him in debt and lastly puts him down. I said to my son as hard as it is, ask yourself why you want contact with some one that brings u down, i said think about yourself and focus on your life and case. MY son asked for my advice 2/3 times he doesnt know what to do , cause of the strong bond i said this has to be your choice cause of your age as i know u will blame me later so i need u to see this yourself but as a mother cause of the impact i can see he has on you take a serious think how u feel after the contact and when u have no contact. Luckily it has been a month now he has done no contact as far as i am aware, if his dad calls he blanks

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