Emotional Abuse?

[Hiabcd]

Hi everyone

I’ll try to keep this short. I am currently in the midst of ending a (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship and I am only just recognising that what went on may have been emotional abuse and I am feeling like I need some support.

I have only recently become familiar with ‘gaslighting’, which I now realise is something that my partner has done since the start of our relationship. If I ever bring up something that is upsetting me/something that I have an issue with, he will always immediately become defensive, finding a way to turn the tables, making me feel like things are somehow my fault. This means that he never works to find a solution to the problem he is causing, just leaves me feeling like I should not have a problem in the first place because what he is doing is perfect. He blames me for a lot of things, including things that go wrong for him. As an example, he recently put his (detail removed by Moderator) down onto the (detail removed by Moderator) that was turned on which damaged the case. I was in the middle of cooking and was in the other room, he got immediately very angry and blamed me for what happened, telling me that he has told me to before not to leave the kitchen when the (detail removed by Moderator) is on etc. When I told him this was wrong to blame me, he told me I am trying to make myself the victim. He tells me quite a lot that I try to make myself the victim.

He lectures me about the ‘right’ way to do things, sometimes I feel like I am his child. He points out my flaws in a ‘jokey’ way, which I have always downplayed because if I were to call him out on it, I just know he will say that it is a joke and that I am too sensitive. On one occasion, I told him that covid has made me quite depressed and he responded by saying ‘do you not think I am depressed aswell?’ as well as suggesting that I should be on my own if I am depressed. He apologised when he had calmed down, and he usually does apologise for his behaviour, once he has calmed down.

(detail removed by Moderator) I text him saying that I miss him sending me (detail removed by Moderator) texts, to which he got very angry and said I always have an issue with something, and that if what he is doing isn’t good enough then to leave him because he is getting sick of it.

I started this relationship very confident and happy but my self-esteem has dropped quite significantly since being with him, this has been noticed by friends and family. I’m not sure if he knows whether or not he is doing it? If he does not recognise his behaviour, does this not count as abuse? I have now told him that I think he is emotionally abusive towards me and he said ‘(detail removed by Moderator)’. It has got worse recently, so I am starting to think maybe he was trying very hard at the start but is revealing his true colours now?

There is a lot more I could add but I said ill keep it short. I am struggling to process all of it and still find myself finding excuses for him. Any comments would be really appreciated. Thank you

[Hawthorn]

Hi there and welcome😊

From what you’ve said yes he it certainly does sound like he has been emotionally abusive.

He is gaslighting you and placing himself in the victim role, responding to your concerns with anger. Google DARVO, the cycle of abuse and trauma bonding. Its normal to feel confused, his behaviour is calculated to cause that confusion within you. Abusers often hide their continuous criticism as “jokes” that you’re “too sensitive” to get. There’s nothing funny about having your self esteem chipped away.

That’s the key thing here; you entered this relationship a vibrant, confident woman and he has chipped away at you so much that even outsiders are beginning to notice. So whether he is abusive or not (and to be clear, I do think he is!)this relationship is clearly toxic for you and you are doing the right thing by getting out.

Talking to him about it is a waste of your breath and time. He wont ever admit anything he is doing is wrong, he feels entitled to treat you this way. Your role is to meet his needs, you are not allowed to have any of your own or even mention them.

Good luck escaping, and be careful. These men can be dangerous when they feel they’re losing control xx

[Anonymous]

Hi,

I think when we start doubting our own sanity and second guess ourselves, the relationship has become toxic and therefore better that it be ended. The important part in all of this is not so much the label or labels you give to the behaviour but that you recognise how deeply unhappy in the relationship with this man you are. That’s the important bit in this, you don’t feel happy or good about being with him. Feelings are really important, they tell us what is good for us and what isn’t. They know long before the brain starts trying to rationalise or minimise or deny what the gut has already said.

You have told him how you feel and he has told you pretty much straight out that he won’t be changing himself. This is your answer. It’s brutal I know, but when someone is telling you they don’t want to compromise or work as a team with you, believe them. You deserve better x

[maddog]

Ugh! Your post so reminds me of my ex’s behaviour. You’re not going mad. You’re not wrong. You’re responding to abuse.

Whether or not he knows what he’s doing really is neither here nor there. The behaviour is probably so ingrained and he’s spent so much of his life in his false reality, that to him, he’s going to have to be right all the time.

There’s nothing you can do to change him. It’s brilliant that you’ve posted here, and that you’re beginning to recognise the signs. Abuse never gets better; only worse.

I hope you find lots of real life support through your local Women’s Aid. The police should have a Domestic Abuse team (who aren’t officers) who can guide you to local help and support. If you call 101 and ask for them they they should put you straight through.

[gettingtired]

He sounds just like my partner. I started to sense things weren’t right in our relationship because whenever I would raise an issue with him or something that was upsetting me he would get angry and say something along the lines of ‘just don’t be with me then’. A total refusal to take any responsibility or work together in the relationship. It’s a horrible reality to face knowing they are abusive and will never change so I do really sympathise. I wouldn’t waste your time trying to explain to him that he is abusive. I did the same but it backfired and he used it against me and called me the n********t.
My partner’s abuse has now started to escalate because he has sensed a change in me. I would say it’s best not to tell him if you are planning to leave him x

[Hetty]

I totally get the being treated like a child bit. I used to be lectured, picked up for not being as tidy as he thought I should be, had to ask permission to put the heating on etc. It was horrendous. All the while I work in a demanding job where I’m respected. It felt like I was living two lives. It got so bad I didn’t want to go home at night. It was like this for years.
Over the years I’d point out issues and I’d get all the sob stories but then within about a week each time the tables would turn and it would all be my fault.
Now that I’ve left he’s in shock but he doesn’t realise all the years of abuse have worn me down so I have nothing left to give him and have no desire for anymore talking.
It does get worse. It’s like they keep testing to see what they can get away with. My ex mostly used his words to hurt me but he has grabbed me, thrown things at me. It started off with name calling etc when kids weren’t around but escalated to full in screaming the most vile names at me and swearing in front of kids and at them at times. I think he’d probably been like that with his own but kept a mask long enough to trap me before he started in front of my child.
These men never change. It took me a very long time to process and figure out an exit plan. I’d go on long walks just wandering around feeling totally lost. The first chance of an out I got I took the leap of faith. There’s been no tears or heartbreak, I grieved while in the relationship and when I do have a wobble I read about domestic abuse and remind myself of the true reality of the relationship and not the fantasy in my head. There are no excuses EVER. As others have said, the most important thing is how the relationship makes you feel. Keep posting X

[Camel]

Hi Hetty

I get what you say about grieving during the relationship, not after. I never felt so lonely and low as I did whilst living through it. I didn’t look back with tears and heartache for him either. It was as if he’d died, minus the expense of a new black dress. I had a little cry for myself and the wasted years. Definitely no tears for ‘us’ or ‘what might have been.’

[Hetty]

Hi camel, it’s such an awful thing to go through, while still living in the abuse. I used to cry at least every other day. I’d look back at my life before him and cry and berate myself for ever getting involved with him. The cruelty and control he inflicted used to suffocate me. I used to fantasise that he’d leave me for another woman or be diagnosed with a terminal illness. I just wanted him gone. My heart would sink when he pulled up in his car. I have up thinking about what could have been when I stated keeping my journal and saw the patterns of abuse month in month out.
Here’s to a peaceful and drama free life.

[BlueSkiesTomorrow]

Hi hiabcd, your story could be mine! Realising it was abuse was very difficult to swallow. Every trait youve described is exactly what I suffered through. He will not change. If he is anything like my ex, then his sense of self importance would never allow him to seek proof help. Get out. You will feel so much better and you will remember who you are! I used the “Abuse” word once and it wasn’t worth it. He was outraged and (shock horror) thought I was grossly exaggerating just to make the break up easier. Sigh.
Good people don’t behave like that towards people they love. I once got berated for turning on a light because he didn’t think it was dark enough to have the light on…
You’re doing the right thing leaving him. Read “why does he do that”, by Lundy Bancroft and be prepared to say “oh my goodness, yes!!!” About 1000000 times!

[FierceLioness]

Hi Hiabcd,

This is my first time ever coming on this forum and posting. Your post could’ve been written by me. Its shocking how identical your experiences are to mine. I’ve been going through exactly the same things. I only recently came to learn about gaslighting too and I was in shock when I discovered it. I couldn’t believe that I could be a victim of emotional abuse, and that too for many years. I was in denial. Is it really abuse? But over the past few months of reading a lot and pondering over the patterns over the years, I realise now that this is what I have been going through. I still struggle to believe that a strong, intelligent woman like myself could find myself in such a situation. That’s the hardest bit. I question myself why didn’t I leave sooner, I shouldn’t known better, but really this form of abuse was so subtle that I couldn’t have known. Especially as I got married quite young..

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