Emotional abuse?

[beginagain]

Hi, I’m new to this forum and looking for some advice. I’ve been with my husband for (detail removed by moderator), together for (detail removed by moderator). He has a side to his personality that rears its ugly head fairly regularly, recently more so. What has caused me to stay with him is when he’s nice, he can be really lovely. This is becoming more and more infrequent, however.

The personality trait I’m finding it really hard to deal with is his habit of speaking to me in a condescending way. It makes me feel like an idiot when he does this. At times he will roll his eyes or use a sarcastic tone of voice. This has happened increasingly recently. He speaks to his own mother like this too but I can’t understand much as they communicate in another language I don’t speak.

We needed to move some boxes down to the ground floor of our apartment building and had to borrow a trolley from reception. We’ve been living abroad for (detail removed by moderator) and I don’t speak the local language but he does as he grew up here. I suggested we go down to get the trolley (as its hard for me to explain why we need it as staff only understand a little English). His response was to witheringly mutter “how many people does it take?!” Again I felt lazy and incompetent.

At times he makes out that I am lazy even though I am not. I suggested donating something to charity (we are moving out of our flat and struggling to sell this item) and he responded “I’m not carrying it there (to the shop) and I know you won’t”. I said to him I hadn’t suggested that he carry it and I didn’t know why he had to suggest that I was lazy and his response was “I’m ending this conversation”. I hate that, he always dismisses my feelings and refuses to understand when I try to explain how his words and behaviour are hurtful.

I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells and worried about how my behaviour or words will be interpreted. I know I’m a good and kind person but this is wearing me down.

He can also be emotionally cold. Hardly any affection. We barely have sex. He got drunk when we went out for drinks with a friend yesterday and was embarassing me in front of him, claiming I should have told him he had already had the bill even though he’d held it in his own hand (he was obviously p****d and forgot).

We’re moving back to the UK next week and I will have more options. On top of the way he makes me feel bad, I’ve been the breadwinner for the last (detail removed by moderator) and I’m really over it now. I feel he doesn’t want to move back but I wouldn’t have been happy here for 2 more years. I had a high pressure job and again, it was me supporting us.

I am starting to think about leaving him as I’m not happy anymore but I know it will be a draining battle. He is also skilled at making me feel terribly, playing he martyr, suggesting I’m the one with a problem if I call him out on his behaviour. I know this from previous arguments based on how he speaks to me over the years. I feel like I’m close to snapping though – like one more condescending or snide remark and I’ll tell him it’s over.

Sorry for the length of this post by I could really do with some advice. Feel like maybe I’m making a fuss over nothing etc, second guessing why I’m upset etc.

[Janedoeissad]

Hi Beginagain

Read your post as if it was someone else. Imagine a friend relaying that information to you, what would you say?

Sounds to me like your partner has little or no regard for your feelings. No one should have to constantly walk on egg shells in a relationship. You have told him about his behaviour and he has disregarded what you have said and continued. Some one who genuinely cares for you would take on board any issues like this and work with you to rectify it.

Your partner sounds very much like mine. Especially the making me out to be lazy. Funnily enough, I am also the main bread winner. My partner is most definitely abusive. I questioned it for ages and then one day he said something that I could not find a reasonable answer for, that I knew was both abusive and cruel. That was the turning point for me and now I am trying to get myself out. I am so close to calling that number. In fact, today might be the day!

The more established forum users on here will give you some excellent guidance and some key reading material which should help. I am currently reading “Why does he do that” by Lundy Barcroft. It is an excellent and insightful book and I am really glad someone suggested to me (I believe it was KIP).

[cupcakes]

Hi what you describe is how my relationship started years ago I too was told I was lazy over and over for years and criticized for everything.. I lived walking on eggshells for years…it escalates and gets worse especially the more you challenge his behavior well mine did. Its hard to accept someone is emotionally and verbally abusing you but I think if you question yourself its definitely true. I have left my husband as it got so bad with the help of womens aid and the police. Can you call women’s aid? It took me ages to call but they are amazing and will help you

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