Emotional Abuse / Coercion

[Ramblingrandom]

I live with my ex partner, who I have an on-again, off-again relationship with. I have tried to start dating other people but inevitably my ex can’t seem to find someone-else he finds acceptable and he ends up coming back to me. I haven’t moved out yet because I can’t find a place which accepts my income and allows pets.

My ex can be very nice, charming and friendly. He has an energy that pulls you in and makes him seem likable. However, over the past few months, I’ve really begun to notice certain comments and actions on his part. He will say derogatory things about parts of my body, (detail removed by moderator) When he makes these comments, it feels like a tiny hole opens up inside of me. Often, after making these types of comments, he comes onto me and begins talking about how he misses me.

I feel that I need to keep the peace and so, despite my mind protesting, my body will allow him to continue what he’s doing. Once it’s over, I feel a sense of deep shame and almost self-loathing. Afterward, it often seems like he has gotten what he needed and then gets on with his day. We spend little time together and everything seems to revolve around him.

When I try to bring up such behaviour, such as the comments or the way it feels like he is using me sexually, he seems very dismissive. He also often dismisses my emotional reactions, and has on multiple occasions said he was ‘only joking’ or that I’m ‘too sensitive’ or ‘too emotional.’

I feel a bit silly posting this here as I have no idea if this is abuse or not. There seem to be far worse examples on here than what I’m experiencing, but psychologically, it feels like I am having my mind and body toyed with, and it’s been really confusing.

[Mellow]

Hi love I can relate to this and earlier in my journey here this happened to me I felt used and didn’t enjoy as I wanted and with me my ex used to go and start chatting to other women straight after we were not separated but he was emotionally abusing me it’s not acceptable I know how the mind plays with the body if you can come up with the strength to say no each time it will help honestly this made me so glad when my ex left because he was using me because I couldn’t say no no matter ho many times the ladies here told me to.i know what you are going through.could you make the separation for good and ask him to leave ?im so heartbroken for you.mine left in the end but it took a lot of nagging and saying I don’t feel comfortable with him around it Is manipulation he can’t leave you and come back when he pleases that’s not love at all he’s using you to waste time till someone comes along

[Eyesopening]

Hey
I know how you feel about comparing your abuser to others and thinking it is not so bad. But that in no way means we deserve it or should allow it to happen to us. I was with an emotionally, psychologically, financially, sexually abusive man. But I can hear things about men who where physically/verbally abusive and would think ‘my abuser wasn’t so bad’. But in the end being abused is being abused, there are different forms. But I find the mental abuse the hardest to heal from, that goes deep, deep inside our minds to the point of us being re-wired to think and act in a way they have trained us to do! Now being out I see the seriousness of what my abuser did to me. I have been out a long time but I still have many many things to heal from..to re-wire my brain.
Once a therapist told me to write all the things that were good things about my abuser in a circle. Then draw a circle around those qualiaties. Then around that circle write the things that are bad about him. You will find that the qualities in the inner circle are the bare minimum qualities that a man should have in a relationship. We think and they just train us to think we should be greatful for them.
Keep reaching out and reading posts, it’s a journey to descovery then freedom. x*x

[Ramblingrandom]

Thank you so much for your reply. I’m glad to know I’m not alone in this. My ex seems to want someone in his life and any time I would say I didn’t want to be with him, would immediately go on dating apps to try to find someone-else. I don’t think he ever learned to deal with difficult emotions, however, I know that doesn’t excuse his behaviour. He also repeatedly asked me if one of my new girl friends would be interested in dating him when she’d just been brutally dumped, so I’ve seen a lot of red flags.

I’m so sorry you have also had to go through all of this. It sounds like starting to say no made you stronger. I’m planning to say no if he tried to initiate anything physical again because I just can’t take it anymore. Unfortunately I can’t ask him to leave as we currently have a joint tenancy in a private property, however, I have an appointment with a housing adviser on (detail removed by Moderator), so they might be able to help me to move out sooner rather than later.

I can fully relate to the feeling of being used. Can I ask, how did you find the strength to start saying no and to let your other half know that you didn’t want to be used anymore? I’m trying to learn to be more assertive but whenever I try, it feels like I get a negative response which scares me.

[Ramblingrandom]

Hey Eyes Opening,
It feels much the same for me when I hear others stories and I’m so sorry that you have experienced such abuse. The mental abuse is definitely something which feels like it runs deep. When I first met my ex, I was becoming happier, healing from a previous toxic relationship. I never saw the red flags for my now ex’s behaviour and if I sensed anything, I ignored it as they showered me with affection at the start of our relationship. The re-wiring part of your comment feels spot on: I feel like I need to act in certain ways to ‘keep the peace’ if that makes sense?

Thank you for speaking about your therapist’s suggested activity. I’m glad that it was helpful for you. I think I may try it out myself to get some clarity on things because, in hindsight, I honestly don’t know why I fell for this person.

You have no idea how much your reply means to me. It’s nice to not feel so alone in this.
May your own journey to freedom continue as peacefully as possible.

[Eyesopening]

also what you talk about at the start is the love bombing phase, they will make you feel amazing at the beggining and you fall for them so quikcly and ignore the red flags, its so insidious, you never realise it has happened till your deep in the thick of it and cannot get out easily due to the trauma bond, cognitive dissonance and then any financial ties. And possibly children. x

[Eyesopening]

Hey hun, what happened with me is I just got everything arranged so I could leave and never have to talk to him again. By the time I left I was a shell of a person, I was so scared of him, so traumatised (which I didn’t realise till later) I tried to leave 5 times, 6th time I left for good. I was lulcky enough to have no ties, I pretended I was going away for a few days. I left, emailed him it was over and eventually blocked him. Only then I could start to heal. I write it simply but it was the hardest days/months/years of my life.
… you don’t really say no to an abuser, you don’t argue with an abuser or confront them. The only thing you can do is walk away and grey rock if you have to have contact. They are masters at what they do. If you need to talk about anything that may set him off make sure you are with someone and you are safe. Talk to womens aid as they can help you with a safe exit plan. Start reading the usual books like ‘Why does he do that’ and watching vids of youtube to understand abuse, Dr Ramani is good.
Keep posting xx

[Ramblingrandom]

Hey Eyes Opening,
That’s exactly right. I’ve been reading up all about trauma bonds and love bombing recently when my ex admitted to me that he believes he’s a n********t (big red flag if he’s actually admitted it.) I just feel so heartbroken as at the start, I truly thought this was the man I would be with forever. The trauma-bond part is what has kept me from seeking help before now because as much as I want to leave because I know it’s the much more healthier option, I feel strongly connected to them. It’s such a weird and intense feeling but I don’t like feeling this way at all. x

I’m so glad you were able to get out. It really does sound like it was a hard process to go through. How are you feeling about everything now, if that’s okay to ask? As I said to my mentor the other day, I feel like I’m in survival mode, just trying not to rock the boat, so to speak, while I forge my own exit plan.

I spoke to someone from women’s aid the other day and they suggested I apply for unintentional homelessness, so that’s what I’ve done. Thank you for the resource recommendations, Dr Ramani is how I started to earn about n********m and trauma bonds in general so she’s been a tremendous help. I’ll be sure to check out that book, too.

Thank you so much. I hope you’re feeling more at peace now. xx

[Eyesopening]

thankyou x
that’s great, it sounds like your doing all the right things. Remember you deserve so so much more. Time to put your needs first. Yeah I was with my abuser for many years, I thought he was the one, truly heartbreaking that the man that should love you and be there for you is the one damaging you.
I know what you mean about the intense feeling, its like an addiction, and it actually it, all the chemical reactions they cause in us is jsut that, thats why leaving is so hard, we are breaking a drug habit. Its like stockholme sydrome.
I have been having therapy for a while, I feel like I am over the PTSD (which was terrible) but i still have alot of work to do, I still sometimes miss my ex, still sometimes doubt myself. But mostly I am ok, it comes in waves. I had a bad dating experince where the guy had alot of red flags, but i couldnt pull myself away as so quickly i was attached. So dating too soon really is a dangerous thing as we can get trapped again so easily. I need to heal alot more and know I am strong enough to walk away from an unhealthy situation as soon as it appears.
Goodluck and keep posting here, its a lifeline
xx

[Ramblingrandom]

Thank you, sometimes it’s hard to feel like I deserve more but I’m trying to remind myself that regularly.
It really is so heart-breaking as you never really see it coming. And you’ve hit the nail on the head there, it really is like trying to break a drug habit. Unfortunately I relapsed recently in terms of giving up my sense of control and now I’m steadily working to take it back again. I can’t keep getting on this rollercoaster, only to feel like I’m not worth much.

I’m glad that therapy was able to help you. I’ve also been seeing a therapist for a short while and so far, she has been such a godsend for me in order to make sense of everything that’s been happening. The experience of dating too soon is one I also share: I can’t tell what is a red flag anymore as I’m starting to see them everywhere (think I’m in some sort of survival mode) so I don’t really want to be dating anyone right now. It really is easy to fall back into the same traps and patterns. I’m really glad to hear that you’ve been able to work on yourself, to be able to identify these red flags and to put yourself first.

Good luck to you also. It means so much to be able to share everything here and to hear about your own experiences. x

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. It is abuse. It’s emotional abuse and gaslighting. My ex husband – well, very soon to be – used to tell me that I was “(detail removed by Moderator)”… it made me really question my gut instinct.
He cheated on me with a work colleague when our (detail removed by Moderator) child was just a little baby. He gaslighted me so much but I sensed something was wrong. When he admitted he cheated I kicked him out the house (detail removed by Moderator). He then said I’d “(detail removed by Moderator)” him in front of his family.
He was also threatening at times and could be aggressive. He smashed things and yelled very loudly at me with such volatility and then used to either walk away like nothing had happened or then took himself to bed and made me feel it was my fault.
Your ex sounds like he knows what he’s doing. Mine did. Trust your instinct. I did the same as you and when we were trying to reconcile, we had sex, sometimes great sex, but most of the time I felt revolted and just absolutely s**t afterwards. Like he’d got what he wanted and I was being eaten up by him. I felt terrible about myself at that time because I was not trusting my instincts and following what I knew was right.
Nobody can tell you what to do, but they can advise you on what sounds like abusive behaviour. I’ve been there. I used to question by friends a lot and ask “is this abuse? It is right? His behaviour isn’t right, is it?”
Emotional abuse really screws with your head and makes your judgement and thought process very cloudy.
What I can recommend is that you should start to document things that he says and does that makes you question abuse. This will allow you to look back and realise it was abuse, and may also help you in the future legally.

[Author]

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