Emotional Abuse? Post-separation abuse? Maybe?

[MiniNoodle]

I’m not too sure what to write.

I guess I’m just not sure if I really have been abused or whether I’m just being a bit dramatic. It feels so trivial what I have experienced in comparison to others.

I left my partner of (detail removed by Moderator) years, (detail removed by Moderator) months ago, we have (detail removed by Moderator) children and a mortgage.

In therapy years ago it was mentioned by my therapist that they believed it was an emotionally and mentally abusive and coercive relationship, but I wasn’t ready to leave. My partner SAed me around that same time and I was more worried about he would feel, how it would impact him, and still I stayed. Whenever I would bring up my feelings it would be about how that made him feel, or all the things I’d done or hadn’t done or hadn’t noticed him do, there was never a solution, it would just be me left feeling like I was insane and I was the problem.

I was so desperate for our relationship to work that I internalised everything as things I wasn’t doing, or was doing too much, that maybe I wasn’t communicating properly or well enough. It was always me. I was always trying to fix things but the only way to do that was to just put my head down and not have needs or wants and just respond to his. He is frequently “grumpy” as opposed to full anger, but has punched walls, thrown games controllers, broken his phone etc. Never anything of mine, never me or the kids, but still, it’s scary when it has happened. It’s been a while since the last incident of that though.

He’s SAed me in the past, and grabbed my chest after I said no (detail removed by Moderator) “as a joke”, he’s always been coercive, asking and asking until I feel like I have to just so he’ll leave me alone.

When I finally plucked up the courage to leave in (detail removed by Moderator), I thought that maybe we could be amicable, for our kids. But after a week or so I realised that wouldn’t happen. He refused to leave, he said if I was leaving I could take the kids and leave but he was staying in the house. But he also said he won’t buy me out, he won’t sell the house, and he won’t let me buy him out. He said my 2 options were to leave with nothing or he would let me stay in the house for (detail removed by Moderator) yrs to save for a mortgage of my own. I got upset and he said I made it sound like he was keeping me hostage. Which he basically was.

Financially I earn more and he physically can’t buy me out, whereas I can buy him out. I ended up crying and had to go to (detail removed by Moderator) for a few hours, when I returned he was happy as anything, like the conversation never happened, asking me if I had fun at (detail removed by Moderator). It makes me feel insane. Like I’m making it all up in my head.

He always gaslights me or stonewalls or 10 minutes later conversations we just had never happened. He’s never hurt me and yet I feel scared to bring up things, like moving out, because I know the emotional and mental toll it will take, I know we won’t get anywhere, I know we’ll go round in circles until I’m mentally wrapped around myself but won’t be any closer to getting anywhere.

And so for (detail removed by Moderator) months after leaving, I’m still here, walking on eggshells too scared to bring up the conversation. Our children are (detail removed by Moderator) so I was hoping that in keeping the house I could keep it more stable for them but now I just want out.

I don’t really know the point of this, I guess I just need somewhere to put it.

I’m scared I’m just making it up or over-exaggerating and it’s not abuse at all. I’m scared it’s just me. I’m scared I’ll never get out.

I don’t really know where to go from here.

[Rupi]

Very similar situation to mine. It is hard to admit and see but it is emotional abuse. I can identify it now but it took me a while too. My health visitor told me about the cycle of violence and I realised I was in the spiral for a long time. It is hard to leave but it will be harder to leave like you have to walk on eggshells. I hope you find in yourself the strength you need to do what’s right for you.

[Better-days]

I’m in a similar situation regarding our home he won’t leave I would need to and trying to get a home on social housing is extremely hard when you own a house. I’m hoping to get some free advice from a solicitor. If u can do that it should help x

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