Emotional abuse?

[NotCrazy]

Hi,
I have been a member for a little while but have just plucked up the courage to post this.
I think that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship and have been for several years, however have always had the niggling feeling that maybe it is just me and that I am causing everything.
When I first met my partner I thought he was amazing and everything I had ever dreamed of. I had been in an unhappy (but certainly not abusive) marriage for (removed by moderator) years and left my husband for him. I was promised a wonderful life together with meals out and holidays, which I had always wanted but never had. We have still not been on holiday together.
After a couple of months I found out that he had been meeting up with other women behind my back and inviting people round for sex while I was at work (I was commuting (removed by moderator) miles a day at this point).
When I found out about this (he left his phone on the table in front of me at a (removed by moderator) when a text message came through) he told me how crazy I was and how it was all in my head. He denies that this ever happened now.
I left him to go and stay with a friend soon after, he came to my work with a bunch of flowers and would not let me out of his sight, following me around all day in the car and driving with me to my friends house to get my belongings back.
He then criticized my friend who I do not see any more, criticised my work friends and accused me of sleeping with every man on my Facebook, criticised my family who I do not see any more to please him, basically isolated me from everyone.
Since then things have just got worse and worse.
Our sex life was amazing when we first met, he was sleeping with a lot of different women when we met however now he witholds sex and affection which makes me think that there must be someone else, or it is just a matter of time.
He flirts with other women constantly, looking them up and down while standing next to me and messaging them on Facebook.
He demands money from me as soon as I get paid.
He keeps me awake when I have work in the morning, or tells me he just wants to go to sleep and to shut up and leave him alone, then starts having a go at me again, then says he just wants to go to sleep when I respond.
He hides my car keys and physically restrains me if I try to leave.
Tells me I am crazy and need therapy, that I was loopy when I met him because I was on anti-depressants, and that he made me better.
He tells me I want drama all of the time and that I am negative, but he is the most dramatic and negative person I have ever met.
He smirks at me, speaks in a sing song voice or patronising tone, or gets right in my face and shouts at me.
He calls me fat and ‘boring and predictable’, I have two (removed by moderator) daughters who he also criticises constantly, although they only stay at weekends when I am there, during the week they are with their Dad.
He shows no empathy or compassion when I am upset. He never actually shows any emotion at all.
He says ‘love you’ all of the time as if it means anything to him, he never shows me any love.
It is the subtlety of the abuse which makes me feel like maybe it is all my fault. I have been recording him speak to me and writing things down as I find that I cannot remember what he has said and done, I feel like I dissociate in a way.
I want to leave and have sought support through online forums but have never rung womens aid, although I have the number saved on my phone. I feel that my situation is not severe enough to need practical support or a refuge place, but I have no money to stay anywhere and no family or friends to stay with.

[Healthyarchive]

Dear Notcrazy, it made me feel really sad to read your post. First of all you are not crazy & secondly this is most definitely mental & emotional abuse.I had the exact same type of behaviour, no hitting but I felt like I had gone mad, I was very mentally unstable but thought it was all me & could not pin point why I felt that way. This forum will help you sort out your thinking, also I found these books amazingly helpful for the coercive control I felt I had become a part of. 30 covert manipulation tactics in personal relationships, Invisible Chains & all books by HG Tudor. Most of these are free to read on amazon. X

[SilkyHalide]

Hi not crazy.
So sorry you are suffering like this. It is definitely abuse and you don’t deserve to live your life as an emotional prisoner. In fact he is physically imprisoning you by stopping you leaving the house and using car. Are you able to try reconnecting with lost family and friends. I did over a few years via private messenger on Facebook and Twitter and gradually built up my support network. I tried to build up money also but I now wish I hadn’t waited so long and found a way out dispite financial uncertainty.
If you can reach out to alienated family then maybe they will surprise you with the support you deserve. They may already see it, and be waiting for you to see the truth so they can help.

[SilkyHalide]

Many of us are subjected to subtle escalating and ever changing emotional control tactics. It is so hard to define to ourselves let alone others. We almost wish they would hit us to prove to ourselves and others we are not the crazy one.

[NotCrazy]

Thank you both for your responses, I think that I am just looking for confirmation that it is abuse I am experiencing and not all in my head like he says it is.

SilkyHalide, I completely relate to what you are saying in ‘we almost wish they would hit us to prove to ourselves and others we are not the crazy one’. I feel like if he ever lost control (he is always completely in control and smirking at me when I am upset and hysterical, as if his job is done by getting me to that point) and hit me I would at least be able to define it as abuse then and feel that I was deserving of the support.

[Serenity]

He sounds like a very cruel man.

You aren’t going mad: it is him gas lighting, feigning innocence and blaming you, in order to keep you trapped.

I hope that you will find the strength to leave him, as you deserve so much more.

Look up ‘gas lighting.’
X

[Serenity]

PS They think we are boring and staid because we live by norms and aren’t chaotic and destructive like them.

I personally find abusers very boring. They are very predictable- they all behave the same- and everything’s all about then, so their vision of the world is very narrow.

[Herindoors]

Hi NotCrazy, you are already deserving of the support x*x Ladies do get refuge places for emotional abuse but I suspect that women who are in immediate physcial danger get priority. If you call Womens Aid they can help you unravel all this and also come up with a safe exit plan for you and let you know about refuges. They will not rush or pressure you, everything will be at the pace you decide, they won’t judge you if you choose to stay. They will simply support you.

I would read ‘Why Does He Do That’ by Lundy. But see if you can keep it the book at work and read it there, don’t have it at home where he might find it. If he is already restraining you and getting in your face (like mine did) then this emotional abuse often escalates to physical once the abuser knows you are thinking of leaving. So you need to be carefull.

Good luck hun x*x

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