Enabling access to child with 3rd party

[orangefrog]

I was wondering if any of you would share your experiences of arranging access to your child for your abusive ex.

I recently left my abusive husband with our baby. I am breast feeding. My solicitor has pointed out that seeing my husband is having a negative effect on me and I should not see him. My family have tried to facilitate access, but are too distressed.

I feel like I’ve slipped through the cracks with regard to support. Social services have closed our case since my child and I left the family home. My husband has suggested he will formula feed to have longer access, yet equally, he says he is unable to change a nappy because I took the child away.

I don’t want to keep him from his child, but I can not see him. I don’t want to be accused of keeping his child from him. We are living (detail removed by moderator) apart at the moment. Any suggestions for quick resolutions?

[KIP.]

I’d definitely be trying to prevent him having any access to my child under these circumstances. Abusing a mother is child abuse. Leaving a child deliberately in a soiled nappy is child abuse and he’s threatening to do this to your child as punishment. He’s already causing your anxiety and using your child as a means of control. Keep a detailed journal of his behaviour. Talk to your local women’s aid. Ring the national domestic abuse helpline too. There are contact centres where supervision is there, I’m not sure what age the child has to be. Have you reported his abuse to the police. Why is your solicitor advocating him having access when they can see how detrimental contact is for you?

[orangefrog]

Thank you for your reply KIP and advice. I’m so grateful to be heard.

He said he couldn’t change a nappy when I last was at (detail removed by moderator). I believe it was a tactic to get me on my own with him to continue his abusive behaviour and also take a shot at me for removing myself and our child from the home.

I had thought I had to go through court for contact centres, but your message prompted me to see what is local to me and I can self refer.

His behaviour has been reported to the Police. The solicitor does recognise that the baby’s Mum needs to be in good health to look after the baby – we’re just trying to find a way my ex can see the baby without seeing me.

Thank you again

[Wants To Help]

Hi orangefrog,

This must be extremely hard for you and I feel so sad to read that a lot of ladies at the moment are finding the support services are just not there for them in the ways they need them at this time. I was so lucky with my support services and the people I had around me when I left.

I can see from your post though that you are still really considering the needs of your ex abuser ahead of the needs of yourself and your baby. If it has been noted by your solicitor that contact with him is not good for you then pay attention to that. If your ex cannot change a nappy that is rather shocking!! I mean, it’s not exactly hard is it?! So, unless your ex can competently look after a young baby and provide for its needs at all times when he/she is in his care then it is not in the best interests of the baby to be in his care is it? We always need to look at what is best for the children, and then what is best for you, best interests of the abuser come at the bottom of the list.

Have you considered a contact centre at all? Would that be possible?

[orangefrog]

Hi Want To Help – thank you for your reply. Again – I’m so grateful to be heard.

The order in which you list baby, me and ex – is really helpful. I know this to be true, but I so quickly forget. I’ve always just been kind and put others first. I would never have left if I hadn’t had the baby, since I won’t have the baby treated in the same way I have, or witness the behaviours I have. The baby has provided clarity.

I’ve found the local contact centre – thank you to you and KIP for giving me the push to look into them.

If I’m honest – I feel frustrated that I have been abused for years; I’ve done the right thing and left the abuser to protect my child and myself; and now I’m in a position where I have to facilitate this man’s access to his child and he just continues living in the family home denying the effect his behaviour has had. It terrifies me the effect that these people have on your life even when you have left. On a more positive note – my head is so much clearer now I’ve left, I know it’s the right thing for my child and I hope this gives some women hope.

Thank you again

[Wants To Help]

You’re welcome orangefrog and I’m so pleased our information has been helpful to you. You are taking positive steps to change your lives for the better.

I also used to feel very angry and frustrated that I was left worse off due to suffering domestic abuse and my ex didn’t seem to suffer much hardship. I was temporarily homeless and staying with anyone who would put me and my young son up, had to move to refuge, had to spend a fortune on legal fees (whilst he got some of his free), had to borrow money to buy him out of the house which gave him a lump sum and left me in further debt. Looking back now, I can see that by allowing myself to feel all of this resentment for many years I never actually looked at the positives of what I had achieved or what the alternatives were.

The alternative was staying with him and suffering. The positives are that I have rebuilt my life to a better life than it ever was prior to abuse, I have grown and developed as a person and become a better person because of my abusive experiences, I have learned from them to help ensure I never end up in an abusive relationship again, I have have raised a son in an abuse free home, I feel safe at home, I can have family and friends around whenever I want to, I can go out with friends whenever I want to, I am in control of my own finances and what I buy, what car I drive, what holidays I go on. The freedom and life I have now was well worth the inconveniences/hardship/struggles I had to endure for a few years. I am happy.

On the other hand, my ex has continued to have several failed relationships due to his abuse. He never did learn. In his mind, he was never abusive, he was the victim of a crazy woman with MH issues who stole his child from him!

Things do get better, but it takes time, and it is hard going along the way. You will read posts on here from ladies who have been out of the abuse for years and are thriving now, to ladies who have been out only recently and are struggling with the journey at the moment, to ladies who are still living with abuse and trying to find the strength to leave. Those of us who are thriving are here to prove there absolutely IS life after an abusive relationship and the hard work to get there is well worth it.

I wish you the best of everything on your journey to recovery, you really can do this 🙂

[KIP.]

Have you thought of an occupation order to have him removed from the home? Have you discussed this with your solicitor and have you thought of a third party for all communication. A family member who may possibly supervise visits. Once he realises there is absolutely no way you will ever have direct contact with him or be present during visits he may well lose interest. He sounds like a typical abuser and he’s using access to the child to get to you. Give him absolutely no response to his behaviour. They will often push boundaries so that you will contact them. Contact brings opportunity for him to abuse further. Get support from your local women’s aid x

[orangefrog]

Thank you KIP. Unfortunately an occupation order probably wouldn’t go in my favour. He has a child from a previous relationship who lives with us for some of the time. The legal advice I have received is that that child is in school and needs the stability of their family home, more than me and the baby.

Equally – on a positive note, (removed by moderator). He’s definitely lost interest after I wasn’t there the last time he saw the baby. Although as you will have guessed the communication I have made with him, via email, he has used to try and manipulate me (we’re selling our house). This forum makes me stronger and more aware of his behaviour. It won’t be long til I have no contact with him at all.

[KIP.]

If you qualify for legal aid or funding for an occupation order it might be worth a try. Do you have evidence of his abuse because he won’t want that aired to a judge especially when he has access to another child. It might be worth calling his bluff. He won’t want social services involved and I’d be reporting him to them and also considering talking to the police if you can. Social services will talk to his ex too which he won’t like, Get support from your local women’s aid.

[cakepops]

If there are concerns about his ability to care for your baby, the best option is to arrange supervised/supported contact via a contact centre. Most of these provide services for all ages, and if contact progresses they can often also offer handover services (where you drop baby off and leave, and a little while after your ex would come to pick up so you don’t see each other).

Sadly courts don’t often take much notice of domestic abuse when it comes to child contact arrangements. Things like not changing a nappy would be deemed lack of practise / something that would need increased contact to resolve, rather than neglect unless it was happening consistently. I would recommend avoiding court for now if you can, as courts tend to push increased contact very quickly. It would be better to send a solicitors letter with an offer of contact via contact centre a couple of times a week for an hour initially, either with a plan for progression over time or just saying you will assess how this goes over time.

Don’t communicate via phone or text, only solicitors letter or email. If he pushes for court, the first step is mediation. You can refuse this due to dv. I thought it would be better to try mediation, but it was a huge mistake.

[orangefrog]

Thank you cakepops. Your comments are really helpful. I rang the contact centre today, but no answer. I will try them again tomorrow.

That’s shocking re (removed by moderator).

(Removed by moderator). I’m so sorry you endured it. I need to stop all communication with him (currently only email and I think he’s aware he needs to consider his emails to me).

[Author]

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