End of a long year – in a mess

[iliketea]

Hi, I haven’t been on here for a while. I think I wanted to move on from the abuse and the toxicity of that life, and try and be normal. Its been a long long year. Even though its been a long while since I left, there have still been things to sort out. And they are all sorted now. So, in so many ways, now I’m at the end of the year, there is a lot to celebrate and be happy about. But I just feel completely dead and broken. I have come down with a virus too having looked after sick children for the last month. Holidays have started and I’m now alone for the start of it, and I have just hit a brick wall (not literally like he used to), metaphorically. I’ve just been crying and crying and feel even worse. He threatened me earlier in a covert not-in-so-many-words type way on the app I use to communicate about the children with him. I have had counselling, I have attended group-in person support groups but I just feel so broken and tired and like this feeling is never going to change. I’m exhausted. I don’t know who I am. I have no friends. I have no family. I haven’t been outside for a week. I’m so tired of trying to get over this, tired of trying to get better, tired of abuse, of toxic men, of trying to understand why, how did I get here, what have I done to my children, why did I have children with him. Don’t know why Im on here really, just dumping so I suppose. Sorry, just feel so hopeless, sad and alone.

[Weemebreeze]

Hi Iliketea

Reading your post made my heart feel so sad – I see all the wonderful support and guidance you’ve given on this forum and to see how heavy a weight you have on your shoulders is really tough to read. I know it’s of little comfort, but after all you’ve been through, it’s no wonder you’re finding things difficult. You’ve been through so much and on top of that, to be unwell , will just leave you with less energy . But despite all of that, you’re still standing strong and fighting every day for what’s best for you and your children. It’s incredibly difficult what you’re up against but how you’re dealing with it is so inspiring and impressive. The strength you’ve shown is incredible. It’s a time to be really kind to yourself and just take one day at a time. And if that’s too much, one hour at a time. Try not to look too far ahead and focus on getting well. No feeling or situation is permanent-keep the faith that it will pass.

Sending you a hug x

[Mellow]

One thing I will say about abusive men is they are energy suckers especially when you have children with them the key is to have little to no contact and when you do this they will try push your boundaries but you have to keep going with it they enjoy it and like draining people I really hope you can catch up on sleep and do things you love try and engage in something you enjoy to take your mind off him I catch myself slipping sometimes and I’ve found keeping busy on other tasks help I got a little job it’s not something I need tremendously now as I’ve got young children but I did it for satisfaction and peace of mind it’s only a few hours a week and I’ve also got a car after not being able to drive for years this has given me something to focus on so I don’t think about him much I’m far too busy and when I do it starts to get easier but he does try and start rows at drop offs which I ignore.

[nbumblebee]

You have held me up so many times and lots of others on here. Time to give yourself some of that kindness that lkve that support.
Youve had it so s**t for so long its gon a take time sweetie lots of time and love. Xxxx

[iliketea]

Thank you x

[Lottieblue]

I am weeping reading your post. I don’t know what to do to help. I have days when I feel like you do, but they pass. It’s amazing, isn’t it, how long it is since we left. You say it out loud to others “it’s been x years” and they kind of think, well that’s plenty of time to have moved on, but it still feels like yesterday. Does one ever recover? I have had SO much professional help but still it goes on.
Have you spoken to your GP? I asked mine about coming off my AD’s recently and she told me to wait for spring… the point being, I suppose that we need all the help we can get.

Have you looked at The Window of Tolerance at all? I find it helpful to revisit and remind myself why sometimes things feel tougher than others.

One day at a time, one step at a time. Keep reminding yourself how incredibly brave you were to get out of that marriage. Keep celebrating that fact.
PM me if you want to connect. X*x

[Author]

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