Entitlement and sex

[maddog]

There have been times in our long relationship when I have wondered if my husband is wrong in the head. Our sex life has always been a bit odd, never satisfactory, and more times than I can shake a stick at he has treated me abominably. He has never held me at knife point or threatened me overtly. It is his sense of entitlement.

I was raped before I met him so I thought I knew what it meant.

My husband has always assumed consent. He called it his way of showing affection by poking me around with his penis or sticking his fingers into my vagina to wake me up. I told him again and again that I didn’t like it. It didn’t stop him. It really is as though it is all he has ever known, and sometimes I think his thought processes are wrong. He used to justify his behaviour in a way that worried me.

I have just reported an historic rape and I know how serious it is.

My home is flagged by the police because my husband is an abuser. I have been getting horrible flashbacks of the sexual things he has done to me. The former rape was very deliberate. My husband’s behaviour has mostly been the same… Assuming consent, treating me like a sex toy (which he doesn’t have to clean), doing sex at me, telling me which bits to move, or to stop talking, or to turn off the radio. It has caused huge problems and many rows.

I feel as though I have allowed it to happen. I married him, knowing that there was something really wrong. I feel a massive burden of guilt. Just don’t know what to do.

[White Rose]

Believe in yourself is what you need to do.
Rape occurs in marriage. I was told that by an amazing policeman who sat in my kitchen as I poured my heart out to him after reporting abuse by my now ex. I wish I’d taken it further then but I wasn’t strong enough.
Marrying someone does not give them the right to own you or to use your body and definitely does not allow them to rape you. Mine felt otherwise as does yours by the sound of it.
Never ever feel guilty or blame yourself you’re worth ten of him be proud to be who you are and stand by your right to be respected x*x

[KIP.]

Entitlement was apparent in every aspect. Sex, finances, housework, etc. It’s an attitude. Consent must be freely given. Badgering someone until they relent is not freely given. Assuming consent is not consent. My ex used to say he owned me. I used to laugh and thought he was joking. Now I see he was serious.

[maddog]

Thank you for your kind words, White Rose. I have spoken to the PC who did the initial investigation into my husband. He asked if I thought I’d under-reported and I said yes. There is lots of stuff I’ve posted here that I didn’t say in the interview. It’s not easy talking about sex with a total stranger especially when you feel at fault.

With the previous thing, it seemed like a clear violation. It seemed like more of an attack. It is difficult to process my husband’s behaviour when he was telling me it was his way of showing affection. How can a way of showing affection be rape?

I have often wondered if he would like it if I stuck pencils up his nose when he was asleep if he would enjoy it even if I said I did.

[maddog]

KIP, when my husband called me a c**t I knew what he meant. Do these people ever get prosecuted? My husband was NFA’d. The police hadn’t spoken to him. Now he is being Mr Normal.

[Chickadee]

He would put various parts in while I was sleeping. That would awaken me eventually too. I asked him to stop. He would guilt trip me about not loving him. And state he was doing it because he loved me so much.
At other times when we were engaging he would hurt me and I asked him to stop and told him no. I told him he was hurting me, that it hurt too much. He wouldn’t stop, it was always about his satisfaction. He would downplay my pain or injury by telling me how I feel. Oh it doesn’t hurt that much. Or that is just a little scratch when my head went into a solid wood bedpost, was bleeding, and disoriented me. Get back in position.

I’m sorry. I thought I could talk about this and be more of help to you, but it bothers me too much. I’m sorry, I can’t. I hope it helps you a bit to know your not alone. And the reason that you thought you knew what it was, “rape,” is because it doesn’t register that someone that is supposed to respect, love, and care for us, could disrepect, not care but for themselves, and that is not love. It doesn’t register at first because it’s your husband and that is not supposed to be who they are, what they do,or what they stand for. I have to go, I’m sorry.

[maddog]

Thank you for your response, Chickadee. I remember telling my husband that he doesn’t ‘do’ love. He once told me I was rubbish at sex. I remember feeling quite shocked at that.

I think Rape is a very strong word. Yes it’s hard to process. I have a busy time ahead with various appointments. I will be discussing whether or not to go back to the police. There is much else to sort out, and it may not be the right time.

[Chickadee]

Your Welcome Maddog.

“Love” is not about how good or how not good someone is in bed with you. How good the in bed with you is……comes from the “love.”

I think you should re-read your original post here to yourself. And then keep in mind that they condition us to feel guilt and to justify their wrong actions for them.

When you decide to proceed, in whatever direction you choose, do it when your mind and spirit are strong.

Hugs. Always here for you!

Chickadee

[Confused-and-alone]

I totally get what your saying about the sense of entitlement they have. Several times a few years ago I was physically pushed out of bed and made to sleep on the sofa for refusing sex – I learnt not to refuse as it was over quicker than the argument that followed if I refused.

I too have been woken up to find him already starting to have sex with me – pulling my pyjamas down while I’m still asleep. I struggle to label all this as rape as I don’t fight back anymore. I’ve been conditioned to just do as I’m told.

I want out but don’t think I could go through the trauma of reporting all this. My children are still young and I don’t want them to have the stigma and gossip of me reporting their father for sexual assault hanging over their lives. Loads of kids grow up with divorced parents and I just want them to have that normal life with a normal divorce and not all the animosity that is bound to follow.

[maddog]

Thank you Chickadee! I have called him in for rape. We are still in the same house, separated. (detail removed by moderator) we needed a new bed. I chose a king size one. On reflection it was so I could have more space. Of course I ended up with a tiny corner curled up in a ball. Not for the first time.

I am still swinging between did-it-really-happen and the grim reality that it did

[Chickadee]

Your Welcome Maddog.

I know that you did. I read all your posts on here. And the police involvement too. It must be very difficult for you to be under the same roof. I’m sorry!

I get that. Remember that you know the reality.
And that your mind going back n forth is because it is so hard to grasp that someone that is supposed to care and love you, did this to you.
When you have those moments, re-read your post!

Here when you need to talk. Hugs.

Chickadee

[maddog]

I understand, Confused how much easier it is to just let them get on with it. Rape is a horrible word, like learning how to swear.

Whenever I have brought up the subject with my husband, he has always only said that he would never do that to anyone and killed any further discussion.

It will be difficult for the children. I am very, very aware of that. I don’t want them growing up thinking it’s just what men do and if I do nothing, I bare the burden and it is too heavy. I’ve just had enough. I’ve had enough of always being in the wrong, allowing myself to be used as a sex toy, undermining myself, underestimating his behaviour.

[Chickadee]

It is easier to bow down to a bully, but then all they do is walk all over you. And they get their way.

It is because of what the word embodies.

Of course he is finding a way around it, nothing is ever his fault.

I don’t want mine growing up not knowing what a healthy and respectful relationship is either. And he sure as h**l won’t teach them right. And he works hard at turning them against me.
I’ve had enough to, I want my kids raised correctly, and that is by me. I don’t underestimate him, I know how bad he is, and what he is capable of. I don’t want them thinking I back down and just take it either.

Here when you need to talk. Hugs.

Chickadee

[maddog]

Just going through that interview again and again and again. I don’t know why. Compared to so many women, I feel my ex husband’s behaviour is relatively trivial. Today I felt very vulnerable and stupid and really unworthy of being loved. I am not good at being kind to myself.

Sometimes I am Captain Sensible, other times I am a crumbling wreck and I really wonder if my ex really did what he did. I know he did and I know how shocked I was when the dog prodded me with her paw. I know that my husband hates me, and his vitriol is really the only emotion he is comfortable with, which is desperately sad for him. His behaviour has always been passive aggressive.

[Chickadee]

Hi Maddog.

I beieve the term for that in abuse circles is called, demarginalizing the abuser or abuse.
Also referred to as minimizing for an abuser their actions. And justifying it for them. And yes, it is also known as trivializing what you have been through.

It takes place because the abuser conditions it in you so that they get away with things.

It also takes place because we have empathy and as such there is always another case that is wirse, because there are worse cases. But if you got out at the point you did consider yourself lucky because another step and you could have been that worse case.

Please don’t do this to yourself. I’ve read what you have posted and it is bad. You are warrented in feeling he has done very bad things. He has. And I recall similiarities between your abuser and mine and I know I’m not going to do it. He is very bad and I know what the kids and I have been through. What things he does.

Your case is not trivial. And it has several similarities with mine. I know sure as hell mine is not.

Most of us that have gone through this are not good at being kind to ourselves because we have been with someone that treated us like dirt undrr their feet and constantly broke us down, controled us, only thought of us serving them, and put us in complete misery.

You have to re-learn to be kind to yourself. Read up on Self-Love.

Here when you need to talk. Hugs.

Chickadee

[maddog]

I never learned to be kind to myself. Not really. Maybe that’s a reason why it has taken me so long to understand in parts what has been happening to me. That really sounds like self-pitying drivel. At the moment I am floundering. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. Sometimes I really don’t want to be here any more. The feeling comes and goes.

[Lisa]

Hi maddog,

I’m sorry to read how you’re feeling at the moment, although it seems completely natural for you to be up and down considering everything that you’ve been going through. The process of reporting to the police must have brought up a lot for you, going through the trauma again.

It sounds like now might be the time to try to learn to be kind to yourself and to practice some self-care. Perhaps try to do one kind act for yourself a day, however big or small.

The MIND website has some good Tips for everyday living.

Kind Regards and keep posting,

Lisa

[maddog]

Thank you for the link, Lisa. I know what I am supposed to do, and when I feel ok I’m fine (obviously). But I still smoke and drink. I was told as a teenager not to worry about that because my eating disorder would kill me first. That was a long time ago! I still do little things to hurt myself, but would not consider it really self-harming.

Rape Crisis is brilliant. I have started counselling with them.

My ex husband will be interviewed by the police soon. I have no idea how he will respond. He is more likely to do something really nasty that could be anyone, something really spiteful.

[Lisa]

Thanks for your reply maddog. Rape Crisis are an excellent organisation so I’m pleased you have some specialist counselling from them. Because you have mentioned doing things to hurt yourself, I also want to tell you about another very good organisation for women called Self Injury Support; they have lots of support options on their website.

You are right to be wary of how your ex husband will respond to being interviewed. I have concerns for you living with him as he may increase his abuse in retaliation. I appreciate it can be difficult to leave due to practical or legal issues, but perhaps you could consider a temporary stay in a refuge, or staying with a friend for a while? Your safety and well being is paramount. If you need to stay, then please consider calling the Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to do some safety planning.

Kind Regards,

Lisa

[maddog]

Thank you again, Lisa. I think the kind of hurting myself goes below the radar. It’s just there and so engrained and hard for me to recognise.

It’s annoying because my ex was going to be interviewed when I and the children were away. Now this can’t happen. I will speak to my WA outreach worker this week about what to do.

The DC said she would suggest that my husband stays with a friend. That would be ideal, but really I don’t know if he has any. I will be discussing it all this week.

[maddog]

I wonder if the sex wasn’t passive aggressive. So often (most of the time) there was no love. I have bought an bit of time. I don’t know what MARAC have decided. My ex at least has an opportunity to see his family before he is interviewed.
I don’t hate him. I fee more pity and disgust at what he has done to me.

[Ayanna]

(Detail removed by Moderator)
It has nothing to do with you.
(Detail removed by Moderator)
Most likely you did not even fully realize what was wrong with him, you just had a gut feeling.
We women need to relearn what a life without sexual abuse looks like.
I have never met a normal man in my entire life.
(Detail removed by Moderator)
(Detail removed by Moderator)

[maddog]

You are so right, Ayanna about the gut feeling. To the last I thought it was something to do with me. I have had very few serious relationships. Maybe when I was last in one I didn’t think I was worth it. Water seeks its level.

[Author]

Posts