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My youngest said something to me the other day when he was frightened how my abusive partner would react to his being excluded from school. He said, “Mum, why are you still with him. He does not love you, you do not love him. Why are you still doing this?” I do not know why I am still here. I have been saying that for a long time and have said it to my partner’s face when he asked angrily why I was still here. But we made up and I made like I was a good little girlfriend and I carried on, carrying on. And on, and on, and on. Like he does when he rants, but I cannot bring up the past and his bad behaviour, no that is wrong, he is Mr. Perfect, remember?!
I have had enough. I have read all the books (well, not all, but a lot), have been trying to talk to someone on the NDVA helpline. No luck. I cannot talk to anyone it seems. Usually I go for a walk at times like this. I need to talk to someone.
He is so wrong! He is so angry, he almost crashed the car (detail removed by Moderator). He told me to get out, I did not. All because (detail removed by Moderator). Apparently I was KEEPING ON. Yeah I always keep on according to him. I am the total broken record! I think anyone would keep on the amount of times he cuts me off, rants at me for hours on end, puts his earphones on mid-conversation because he cannot stand my screechy voice, interrupts me when I am talking, changes the subject when I am saying something he does not like or agree with. I don’t have a screechy voice! What the actual hell. I raise my voice when I am not being listened to. I am told to shut up a lot. I am told what I have to say counts for nothing a lot. I am told I talk rubbish a lot. I was told I was talking rubbish (detail removed by Moderator) because I was commenting at the silly adverts, you know making conversation. Trying to talk to my boyfriend, trying to connect to someone I have not been connected to ever I do not think. I am told when I talk to him I am voicing my opinion not chatting. So what is conversation but a bunch of opinions? But when he chats he is just chatting. When he does anything it is okay including silencing me when I am trying to just be me! I don’t think like him. Don’t I know that? I am not him, he is not me. But he keeps telling me what to do, what I can and cannot do, what I am doing the weekend. When I ask if he has plans he goes skitz. When I stand up for myself, he goes skitz. When I am totally quiet he goes skitz. And I ruined the night! Yeah I told him to shut up (detail removed by Moderator), didn’t I?! No, he did, he told me to shut up while I was talking yet again and I am supposed to just take it. Yes I did start shouting, I was so angry because he was not listening to me. He never listens, unless I am doing what he thinks is in the okay perameters. Talking excitedly in (detail removed by Moderator)is not acceptable, yet there were loads of other people talking louder than me. The red mist descended again, that is what he calls it, the red mist when he gets so angry he says things he does not mean. Yeah, this red mist is a handy excuse for being a horrible, mean, angry, abusive man, isn’t it. Oh yes, he is going to work on the anger issues, he has told the psychiatrist he has anger issues, he was discharged. I told our relationship counsellor in not so many words he is an abusive man. Nothing changed, nothing worked. The nice, the shouty, the quiet. All leads to the anger, the red mist, the shut up, the stop keeping on. No one else keeps on at him? Yes, because no one else gets his abuse. Yeah I am the crazy one. Yeah, I need help. Yeah I am such a horrible person, a bad mum, an uncaring piece of t**d. I keep on just like his mother did and it drove his dad loopy and he became an abusive man too. Like father like son. Whoopy doo! Yeah us women are responsible for the abuse. Yeah, of course we are look at us, how strong we are to make you do our bidding, we so want to be hurt, slapped, beaten, verbally assaulted, killed.
No more!
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I know, but I don’t know danicali. Thanks for your response, it is so hard when there is no one to talk to, no one to validate you when this stuff happens. I tried to get the relationship counselling assessor to send me the notes from our first meeting together to see what was written about him wanting me to change. He was asked what he wanted most out of the counselling sessions and he went on about how he wanted me to do this and that and the other. Yeah, typical, I gotta change, it’s all I have been doing the last years and years, bending, shifting, changing, not being me anymore. Becoming and angry, sad shell of my former self. (detail removed by Moderator) and it would have jolted something. Oh but that would have been all my fault too. I was worried, that isn’t exactly suicidal thinking, but it is, isn’t it, but I did not dwell on it, I just sat there thoughts swirling all night as usual.
Sleepless night. Told to shut up he does not want to talk about it, or hear anything I want/have to say, yet he comes downstairs when I am asleep at around (detail removed by Moderator) and uses his foot to shake me awake, he cares so much about me, he does not even bend down and use his hand. So I get up and come to bed (the floor downstairs was not the height of comfort). Then when I get up to start the chores, he is straight on me. After having shut me down last night. About how the evening was a disaster and I over-reacted. Yes, telling me what I did again, like he is in my skin. It is a bit like me saying his mental health issues are bogus, isn’t it? Just imagine if I went there! I am not him, I have no idea what is going on in that head. Apart from anger. So I ignored him like he ignores me. I made him a cup of tea which he poured out and remade in front of me. What is wrong with these people? Yeah, not what is wrong with me, what is wrong with him? I over-reacted. Being told to ssshhhh when trying to talk to someone anywhere is the height of rudeness and cruelty when you have silenced them by any means necessary previously, almost every day. He is sitting with his earphones on as usual (ignoring me because I just kept quiet when he was speaking to me, oh but he can do that all the time, it’s alright for him, sure as heck is!), not wanting to hear what I might have to say, when I am ready. I just told him I would speak about it when I feel ready (I also stupidly asked why he remade a perfectly good cup of tea. Why do I engage when I know I will get nothing in return?). I was ready last night, ready to diffuse, to please, to stand up for myself to feel okay before I went to bed, he did not want to. But when he is ready, everyone must jump. Everyone gotta be ready when the master calls. Nope. I am not ready, I don’t want tirades, I just want peace. Over-reaction?! To years and years and years of abuse, really?!
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