escape without losing my house

[escapologist-in-training]

Hello everyone,
This is my first time posting. I’m quite excited to have discovered this forum and a place where it’s possible to connect with people who can understand the complexity of being in this situation – the few people I have confided in or asked for advice (including a few professionals) don’t seem to see the big picture. It isn’t just as simple as asking him to leave when kids, finances and his potential reaction all need to be considered. From what I’ve researched about abusive men, I understand that you don’t see the worst of them until you try to get out, so any action plan for escape surely needs to take that very seriously?
My husband is being relatively civil at the moment having had a slap on the wrist from the police – he now has a criminal record for assault and is on probation. I don’t know all the details of what they all said to him whilst he was in the police station (Detail removed by Moderator) etc but it certainly seems to have “educated him” as since he came back he has stopped arguing that his violence is all my fault and hasn’t shown any signs of being angry that I called the police. (He was furious with me the last time). I’m not at all deluded that he’s reformed – but it means that it buys me some time to put a plan in place.
I’ve nearly secured a house to rent in a town some distance from where we currently live. It’s not just to escape from him but also to be in the catchment area for schools so we would have to move anyway very soon. Ideally, I’d like to move without him but my questions are all about how to tell him, where he would go and how he’s likely to react. The house we are currently living in is in my name as I bought it before I met him and simply had never got around to changing the paperwork once we were married. I don’t know if that will be an advantage as I had always assumed that he has equal rights to everything we own. But the police kept asking me if the house is in my name which implies that it’s relevant.
I was thinking that I could suggest he stays living in this house for a couple of months to give him time to sort out his own situation. If I just kick him out it without notice, it would make him especially angry /potentially crazy but I don’t know if I would have the right to do that anyway. I’m scared of losing all my financial security especially as he brought no capital to the marriage at all- came penniless. He has had a job but kept all his income in a separate account and contributed almost nothing to the household (a few groceries here and there). My job earns far more than his but if I am to go it alone, I won’t be able to work so much and have my kid’s future and security to think about. I would like some advice about how to ‘play the game’ to ensure I lose as little as possible financially. Sorry not to have more specific questions at this stage – I’m just putting the feelers out to see what kind of general advice people have to begin with. 🙂

[KIP.]

I wish I had had time to plan before I entered into this phase. You need good legal advice. Most solicitors offer free half hour sessions. Make sure they have experience in dealing with domestic abuse. If it was me I would make sure I had a good grip on the finances. Get copies of bank accounts etc. My ex hid thousands of pounds. Your local women’s aid or the helpline on here is a good place to start. As is Rights for Women who offer free legal advice via the phone. If he already has a conviction for assault you are in a much stronger position. I would get an occupation order and a non molestation order. That prevents him entering the home and contacting you. That means minimum disruption for you and the children. Stay in your own home. He can then go through the correct channels for child contact. Do not ever tell him your plans. This is the most dangerous time for Women. Get lots of advice but never make the mistake of thinking he will ever be reasonable. After my ex was arrested he started a campaign of terror and intimidation. You do not need to put up with that. Zero contact. Let the solicitors and courts and police deal with him. Keep all the evidence and details of the assaults. Very important to get your GP on board. To note your injuries both physical and psychological. Abusing you in front of the children is now child abuse so that should help with access. Keep posting for more advice but stay safe x

[Flowerchild]

What KIP says. Get him out before you put the house on the market. If you leave him there alone, imagine the ways he could make potential buyers unwelcome and put them off!

Flower x

[KIP.]

You can do this. My ex filled my head with all sorts of lies about the house and finances. I kept my home which went against everything he threatened. His threats were mostly empty. It didn’t stop me worrying though. Good advice is only act on what they do, not what they say. Mine was a coward full of hot air. Also, you need to think with your head not your heart. He will use your compassion against you and will destroy you if you let him. If you give him an inch he will take a mile. Mine tried to make myself and his own son homeless. Collateral damage includes their children and they just don’t care.

[escapologist-in-training]

Thanks so much for your comments so far – it means a lot to hear from others out there in similar circumstances. It’s hard to believe he could eventually go to such extremes and cause so much damage, especially on days when I’m just seeing his gentle, compliant, more “normal” side. I do find myself wondering if I am just being melodramatic and exaggerating it all or failing to empathise enough with the stresses that he’s been under himself. Also can’t help but feel sorry for him knowing that he’s going to lose so much.
Regarding the house – I haven’t got time to sell it, divorce him etc for now. I need to move quickly into a new catchment area in order for my kids to go to a decent school. I am certain that I won’t sacrifice my children’s education over all this. So the only way to do that is to rent somewhere and let this house out for now. I.e. Income from letting would pay for renting elsewhere. My question is really over how I can get him out whilst also creating as little drama as possible. I know the options are there for non-molestation orders etc but I was thinking that it would be better to go quietly and with as few triggers to his anger/resentment as possible. I’m fairly sure that he is over his desire to control and “own” me now – he’s just using me for somewhere to live rent and bill free and still see his kids regularly. I don’t care if he believes he’s the one rejecting me if it means it reduces the chances of him getting angry and vengeful.
Does anyone know what rights a woman has just to ask her husband to move out if the property is in her name? And also, is that affected at all if I am no longer living there with him? Perhaps I would have more rights over the property whilst we are still married than if we were divorced…?

[KIP.]

He is never going to be reasonable. My ex played the victim. All the while stealing from me and cheating on me. You really do need good legal advice. If you’re renting out your property, you’re receiving an income from it. You won’t get legal aid and he will come out better in a divorce. If there is a history of violence you may qualify for legal aid. The starting point in England is 50/50 in a divorce and then you would have to argue why you would get a larger share. I.e. it was your house before the marriage, that you contributed more etc. That you will have the children the majority of the time. I can tell you he is going nowhere so get him out first with an exclusion order. A non mol only protects you, not your property. You don’t want him saying he has a claim and moving back in. There’s nothing stopping him from starting divorcing you. Mine did as an act of defiance and control. Take your time. See three or four solicitors free. Pick their brains. Ask about legal aid. Get money into an account that’s not yours. Don’t leave a paper trail. Tell no one. I can tell you my ex lied all through the separation stage. Hid thousands and just lied. I was told it would cost me too much money to take him to court to retrieve it. Don’t waste energy on feeling sorry for him. You’re going to need all your energy for you and your kids. These men always land on their feet. They just play the victim for sympathy and to get the upper hand. I would think a court would be more likely to give you your home in a divorce but if you’ve already move out and are prepared to rent somewhere else. A court may well just see it as another asset to be divided. You might be in a much stronger position staying where you are. Lots to think about. Rights for Women offer free legal advice. All circumstances are different so there is no straightforward answer.

[Ilikechicken]

A solicitor adviced me to get an occupational order, means he has 48 hours to get out the property and can’t come k for six month, but adviced I had someone eith me or told the police before hand incase he kicks off. You could then apply to courts to force him to sell. I would advice to move to the other place but not tell him. X

[Author]

Posts