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I’ve been searching for years for a reason why my marriage wasn’t right. I was depressed and lonely, I lost all my self confidence and I couldn’t understand why. I just thought my husband had a really bad temper and maybe I should just learn to deal with it. But I was scared of him. Although he’d never physically attacked me, I felt like I should tell one of my friends that if I ever died in strange circumstances she should know that my husband had killed me. But that seemed really melodramatic, and he’s such a nice guy – who would believe me over him? When he did physically attack me he completely denied it the next day (I tripped!) and left me feeling crazier than ever.
So I started researching. I didn’t even know what I was looking for. I downloaded Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that”, and it all clicked. After that he could sense I’d changed towards him and he started accusing me of flirting and having affairs. (He’d never been possessive before.)
I told him it was over unless he got help for his abusive behaviour and got out of the house in the mean time. My family and close friends have been really supportive which has been a great relief. The first few weeks without him I felt kind of euphoric.
He’s gone, he says he’s waiting for counselling and now I just feel numb. And a bit stuck. The thing is – I’m not convinced he will change, and that even if he does, I can’t imagine ever trusting him again. I’ve told him this but I still fill guilty that he’s clinging on to a hope that I don’t feel. Then some days I still doubt myself and think I’m exaggerating and throwing away a salvageable marriage. I feel like I’m in some kind of limbo now. I have absolutely no energy. I go to work, come home and just want to sleep. I’m confused about whether or not I’m doing the right things. And even though my friends and family have been great I know that I’m the only one who can ultimately decide.
But I’d love to hear from someone who’s been through a similar situation! What happens now? Does it get better? I don’t know if I should ask this, but is it wrong of me to ask him to go for counselling if I think at the end of it I won’t want to risk being with him again? -
Can you go no contact for a while to give yourself some space. Tell yourself it’s a trial separation. Everything I’ve read and experienced tells me that these men never change. My advice would be to run for the hills. Grab this chance for safety, mental well being and a future for yourself. You will grieve for your relationship but you deserve better x your gut feeling is that it’s over but your confidence is so low. Abuse is very confusing. You need space x
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I think I must be grieving. I feel so low. At the start I was loving the freedom from criticism and anger so much! And telling my friends and family the truth finally was liberating and made me feel close to them and loved again. This is like the big come down after a high. I suppose it just takes time…. Have told him not to contact me until he’s started counselling, but I’m not sure he’ll be able to stick to that. He’s very good at playing the sympathy card, and I know it will only make me feel worse.
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Hi feeling groovy, many of us dont realise what is wrong for along long time especailly if the abuse isnt physical.
Its good you have realised and given him an ultimatum. If you read in Lundys book and excellent choice of book that clarifies it all he tries to help abusers and not many do change permanentely, he actually lists the signs that they are genuineley changing and how to spot when they arnt.
it very hard work fo them to change they have to really want to and have to come pout of denial to do it and strat to take responsibilty for the abuse , Lundy speaks of how some men are in this help he gives them.
It is said that they not only need councelling and that must someone who is fully conversant with Dv as they are expert manipulators and will pull the wool over even proffesionals eyes but they also need to attend a perpertrators group that is supposed to help moreso, but even then most dont change , but there is website called respect that can guide you to perpertrator groups across the country he can have a half an hour chat with them for free, you do have to pay for the course and they often run once a week for several months.
He should not be attending with the motive of getting back with you , he should be doing it because he sees his need to change to , so you do not have to give him reasssurance that it will work out as you may not be able to trust him and you would need to see at least two years of him changing his whole attitude and belives, if he cant see this and pressures you he isnt changing.
They do take your energy away incopingwihtal they put out atus, so keep yuo ropeitons open and dotnbe forced nby hom o t ake any commitment otherwise he is stil tryingot contorel you, he has otse whathe as doenot yo andyo mayor may notbe able ot get over it, jst tale yor tiem ans ee whatheapens butdo refer ot thatpartofthebook that shows how ot se eif the changeis ral an dgebuine-
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I don’t get the feeling he is doing this for himself. My impression is that he just wants us back together. He says he was never controlling because he let me go where I wanted and never held me back. He says he accepts he was emotionally abusive but then asks for specific examples. I told him I’d read him my diary which I started when I was trying to make some sense of all this, but he doesn’t want that.
I’m sure he’ll try to manipulate any counsellor he goes to see – I’ve never seen anything like the genuine-seeming charm of the man! Maybe I just need to say ‘feel free to get help, God knows you need it, but we’re finished regardless’ so at least I can start to feel like I’m moving on?!
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Sorry the last bit not spell checked should read :
They do take your energy away in coping with it all they put out at us, so keep your opitons open and dont be forced by him to take any commitment otherwise he is stil trying to control you, he has to see what he has done and you may or may not be able to get over it, just take your tine and see what happens but do refer to that part of the book that shows how to see if the change is real and genuine
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Dear Feelinggroovy, when I was with my ex I was as confused as hell, my mind was in a total fog and I thought, or was made to think that I was responsible for everything. It was impossible to think critically and rationally. I kept it simple. I knew with no doubt I didn’t trust him, I didn’t have concrete evidence that he was cheating, just this gut feeling. I found this simple link and it helped me break it down. http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Trust-in-a-Relationship
I’m free of the awful ex now and feel so much happier in my day to day life. XXXXX
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Wow, just read your link. This all made perfect sense before I met my husband. I knew and practiced these things. It’s incredible how every one of those normal behaviours were withdrawn. Slowly and so subtly over the years. Creeping up on me until I just couldn’t make sense of my relationship. It really is brain washing. I’m so relieved to be free. In a way I wish I could show him that link and ask him to explain but I know he would say it was all my fault. I found an old email from him after I caught him cheating and it says ‘I tried to tell you four or five times (that he was seeing this other woman), but you just wouldn’t listen’! What an (detail removed by Moderator). We were still married at the time. That was his response when he got caught with his trousers down. I can laugh now. He’s someone else’s problem ❤️
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Hi, I can tell you from my own experience and what I learned from research that he will not change.
My ex was in counseling while he abused me, which ended in him nearly killing me.
Despite counseling the abuse became worse and worse.
These abusers manipulate the counselors. Counseling will not help.
The best thing to do is to get rid of him.
I was so scared of the abuser. I could not sleep anymore because I was afraid he would kill me in my sleep.
I too had this thoughts to tell someone that it was him who killed me should I disappear one day.
When the situation is like this you need to activate your survival instincts and get out for good from the relationship.
Almost three women are killed every week.
I did not want to join the statistics.
Get in touch with your local Women’s Aid. Call Rights of Women.
Do not let him back!-
Thank you for that. I know you’re right! Just finding it a bit difficult right now. I’m continually doubting myself. I need to find some strength. I’m waiting to hear from a women’s aid counsellor – she’s going to get me into a program to help rebuild my confidence and try to sort my way out of this mess. Xx
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It is normal that you doubt yourself. Take your time.
But make sure that you are always safe.
Join us here often, it will empower you.
Many of us have been through horrific abuse and we all took time to get out.
It is not only us, it is also the system.
We need somewhere to go, we need to disentangle our finances from those of the abuser, there are many environmental factors too that make ending such a relationship difficult.
You will get there. The seed is in your mind. Let it grow.
You are a worthy person and you deserve the best. Never forget that, whatever he says to you. xx
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