Even when it ticks all the boxes it’s still hard to admit it’s abuse

[Headspinning]

I read “why does he do that” and my husband seems to be in there…..
We are currently separated after (detail removed by moderator) years together ((detail removed by moderator) married).
I felt he was very controlling, opinionated and With a huge sense of entitlement. Always mr right. Verbally aggressive, shouting over me in arguments, not listening. Very particular around the house (my house!) and opinionated about parenting style (my kids!). Making me feel I was going a little mad by always saying I started the argument (why would I though – he’s (detail removed by moderator), strong and very loud – why would I be constantly starting fights?) sabotaging what should be nice trips away by picking a fight before we go, critical if I drink “too much” (as in have a second drink!) watch junk tv, read a problem page, look at my phone too much (of course it’s all right for him!)
Ruling the roost by leaving kids constant notes with chores, notes for things they had done wrong. My son (age removed by moderator) has now broken down and said he is scared of him and can’t go on. He had a total melt down at daughter (age removed by moderator) for looking at phone instead of answering him (final straw for me – shout at me and I’ll defend myself albeit I’ll feel rubbish and drained – but DO NOT pick on my kids)
His way or the highway – he sounds great doesn’t he!
But then my dilemma – he can also be funny, charming, affectionate, impulsive, kind.
So how can he be an abuser? He helped me through a challenging time when we met. I’m not daft, in professional with a good job – how can I be a victim?
Yes I know – they all have good sides – I am just really struggling to accept I may have been hood winked (is it intentional on their part?) or is he just a decent husband with a firey temper? Am I labelling and over reacting?
I just want the life with him I thought I was going to have – I’m mourning for something that may never have been real. Or I am about to throw away my life partner because he is a bit firey.
After (detail removed by moderator) weeks with him out the house I finally got worn down into trying again – honeymoon period lasted all of 36 hours before he flared up – and we had 3 arguments in a day. He calls me a liar when I know I have told him something then argues.
Made me realise he hadn’t changed and probably won’t.
I’m just confused why – when he was so close to another chance – he kicked of again so soon. Did he think he had me won over already?
I can’t keep going round the cycle but I still kid myself on it wasn’t abuse. But it ticks every box except the violence.
Kids are on holiday with their dad and return in a few days. They think he has gone and I feel guilty for even considering trying to fix it knowing how they now feel.
Can’t see a way forward but the confusion about why and does he know he is doing it really bug me.
Rant over!

[Camel]

Hello Headspinning

I don’t think you need to worry right now about whether it is labelled abuse or not. Bottom line is are you happy? It seems to me that the answer is no, and you haven’t been for a long time.

A relationship that isn’t mutually supportive isn’t worth spending your effort on trying to ‘fix’. Why should you have to do all the hard work? What exactly are you getting out of any of this?

Your children are pretty much begging you to get away from this man. ‘Abuser’ or not, don’t they deserve a peaceful life too?

Interestingly you use the phrase ‘life partner’ to describe him. You had a relationship that produced your children and it obviously ended. Relationships end all the time for all sorts of reasons. I wonder why you think your current one is ‘the one’.

[Headspinning]

Thanks Camel
And that’s a very good point. I’m investing all my headspace into trying to understand his behaviour and label it – when the real issue is how do I feel and what do I want.
I guess it doesn’t really matter whether he acts intentionally with awareness of the upset, the point is I’m getting more and more stressed, unhappy, unconfident, resentful, angry, sad – and that’s not great is it. And I could kid myself it wasn’t that bad and the good times compensated, maybe it’s just a phase – give myself lots of excuses to tolerate it, hope it would get better / but I can’t keep my blinkers on when I now see the impact it’s having on the kids.
We know when lines are crossed with their behaviour it’s so much easier for them to keep crossing them. Now that he’s had a total verbal attack on my daughter – ranting at full volume (detail removed by moderator) – we know he will cross that line again, and the frequency will increase. He’s not the dad – he’s the step dad. The dad is still fully involved with 50% care and he’s s decent guy.
I feel backed into a corner and it’s an easy choice – I need to prioritise the welfare of my kids.
I can’t fix him. I just feel so sad and angry that he can’t be the kind loveable guy I thought he was and still often is. I wonder if he is a n**********c bully and I need to run or if he is mentally ill and I should be helping him. I wonder if I trigger him and I could make changes to create a better environment (and yes I know – that’s classic guilt because that’s how they make us feel!)
I worry that my current anger is clouding my judgement and I’m going to make a mistake I’ll regret – after all, my family like him, he’s kind to them. But my friends who are aware of a number of incidents think I need to get out.
I could analyse all day – and I do – but the simple truth is the current relationship is making me and my kids very unhappy and on edge, walking on eggshells, feeling controlled and bullied. With him out the house I can relax – and guess what, the house hasn’t fallen apart without him to direct us all! In fact I actually enjoy keeping it nice without someone constantly pointing out anything I’ve missed!
My head is all over the place but I need to prioritise mine and the kids happiness and wellbeing and accept I may never understand why he couldn’t or wouldn’t control the aspect of his nature we can’t live with.
It’s easy to be rational when I’m left alone – but the minute I open any communication he manages to tie me back up in knots. I know I need to minimise any contact until I am mentally stronger. It’s just all so draining

[Flowerchild]

Darling, this is an abuser and he’s tormenting you and your children. Who cares if he’s sweet now and then? He’s a ranting bully who will damage your children’s mental health.

Please get him out before you kids walk back into a nightmare they thought was over. You gave him one more chance and he blew it. He doesn’t do happy, he does controlling. He doesn’t do love, he does ownership. He’s got all of you living in s****r alley and you’ll end up with PTSD if it goes on.

He may be ill or he may just be nasty – it won’t make any difference to the damage he does! He is not your children’s father, he doesn’t own the roof over your head (does he?) and you aren’t married to him (I think). His problems were not created by you; you cannot fix him; you are under no obligation to try.

If you tell him he’s blown his nth chance and he must leave, will he go promptly and peacefully? Could your decent ex back you up for the children’s sake? The police will help if you explain.

Imagine saying, “This hasn’t worked. Your chance is over. You must leave. Go now and go quietly. The police know that I am telling you to go now and are ready to back me up and remove you if you make this departure difficult.” No discussion.

Have 999 on speed dial!

Would you feel safe doing this? If not, you could have someone with you, or wait until he’s out at work and text him not to come back and have a friend take all his stuff to wherever he went when you threw him out before.

Please get rid, darling. Talking to your daughter about her weight is the ultimate red flag for me – setting her up for a lifetime of eating disorders and victim good!

Flower x

[Flowerchild]

Oh, reading back, you have married him! The above all still applies; you have your examples of unreasonable behaviour to pick from in plenty!

Good news is, he has no claim to come back and pester you through manipulating children who aren’t his.

Smart, professional women do get abused (think Nigella) and pillars of the community can be abusers. In fact it’s pretty common. These things can and do happen to people like ‘us’.

Flower x

[Headspinning]

Thanks.
Yes – sadly married (detail removed by moderator). He is staying at his parents (detail removed by moderator) after explosions at my daughter. He’s now playing hot and cold bombarding me, we did reconcile (detail removed by moderator) because I thought he had finally admitted he had caused the problem with his temper and would address it – but by (detail removed by moderator) we had 3 arguments with him stomping out the house twice. I had been willing to try again but slowly, but he clearly just wants to move back in immediately. I don’t think that’s fair to the kids who are on holiday and unaware he is back in contact. Plus – given the arguments (detail removed by moderator) clearly nothing has actually changed. I told him (detail removed by moderator) I didn’t want him back at the house as I just can’t be doing with all the drama.
He was silent (detail removed by moderator) but texted to ask me what I wanted and he would respect that. I said (detail removed by moderator)
He responded to say he understood and accepted that. An hour later the texts and calls start – constant. I’m at work and really busy so told him he needed to stop contacting me and it was intimidating. I know he has spoken to my dad and I think that is all part of the control – to get others on his side to talk me round.
But I don’t want him back the way he is! I don’t want to put my kids back into that when I can’t see any change!
I’m now worried to go home as I think he may turn up. It’s so hard to see him because he is either all upset and you feel guilty or he is angry and you end up with another argument. I feel he is trying to bombard and rail road me constantly and it’s exhausting.
He just wants back home to the nice comfy house but never mind the fact he was living with his parents when we met and it’s the house I already owned. I’m the main earner, the mortgage is in my name, it’s my kids home. I don’t want to be harsh but he came (detail removed by moderator) years ago with nothing so I don’t like it when he keeps saying “our home”
One of the texts felt a bit threatening today -(detail removed by moderator)
Can’t get a divorce that quickly anyway so he doesn’t really know what he is talking about. But I just want to have peace and quiet for a while and give my kids a stable environment without all this drama.
I’m too nice to be blunt and harsh but I do think I have been pretty clear and I’m getting scunnered about constantly being drawn back in to the drama.
How can you depart amicably without a drama or is it just impossible?

[KIP.]

Abusers don’t do amicable. I’d speak to a solicitor as soon as possible and see where you stand legally. If he’s been contributing to the household he may have a claim. You need good legal advice. You can be sure he will be getting some. Get all your ducks in a row because when he realises you don’t want him back, the real nasty person he is will shine through. There’s no negotiating with an abuser. Once their ego is hit, they will try to destroy you. The gloves are off.

[Headspinning]

Thanks.
I keep hoping I’m wrong and it’s not really abuse but then very step he takes seems to prove it is.
The way he can coldly tell me it’s all over, then when I accept it he gets angry and creates a big drama.
Telling people he gave my daughter a row and all hell broke loose because she over reacted by texting her brother and dad – completely not mentioning to anyone how he refused to collect us that night and told us to walk home (detail removed by moderator)“to teach her a lesson”. Then ranted in the house and my son broke down and was too scared to come home – he’d been scared of him for a year but didn’t want to upset me.
Does he really think it was “just an argument”. How can you blot that out?
Does he really change reality to suit his version.
The sad truth is the only reason that was the final straw was because it was aimed at my daughter and she spoke out. Numerous similar scenes have taken place directed at me.
But in his head it’s all about the most recent argument, therefore it’s all my daughters fault, she wants to split us up (she seems to unfairly get the blame for everything in his eyes nowadays!)
After all today’s barrage I said I would consider counselling a month or 2 down the line but would like him to get help first. I also asked him to take 5 minutes to text me exactly what he thought the problems were in our relationship and what he proposed would be the solutions – funnily enough that was greeted with silence. So he has all day to bombard me but not 5 minutes to confirm the basics of why we are in this mess.
Does he not know, does he not want to admit, does he not want to put it in writing? Dunno.
I just want a wee quiet end and all be nice – yes I am asking the impossible.
Truthfully – I just want him to be the person I thought he was and to get on with the life I thought I was going to have with him. But I can’t risk my kids wellbeing and I don’t see why I should put up with the treatment either

[KIP.]

Try to write down every abusive episode you can remember and how it made you feel. Abuse always gets worse over time. Children suffer long term emotional and relationship problems when they’ve been abused so I would seek some counselling for them too. It must be terrifying for your son. Not to feel safe in his own house. Abusers will use the thing that hurts us most. Often your children then finances and housing. Nothing is off limits so please make sure you have security. The Charming man you met doesn’t exist. He’s fake. You’re seeing the real person you got involved with and he’s selfish. Nasty and self serving. You need to look after you because he won’t.

[diymum@1]

speaking from a very long experience off this (i stayed and brought up my first child for 14 years) you risk your kids resenting you because thats whats happen in my situation. by the sounds off it you already know he is abusive and your trying to work out why? he sounds like he doesnt have mental health problems but he does sound like the type of man to pitt the family against each other. he sounds like he thinks he is entitled to do this. its not easy but the best course of action is to cut ties for the sake of yourself and the sake off the kids. a good man does not use a child (your own) child against you to hurt you. this is emotional abuse and manipulation theres no excuse and theres no shadow of a doubt xxxx love diymum

[Seeingclearly]

Hi Headspinning

“He ticks all the boxes except violence”. So did my ex-partner, until he ticked that box too. It took years to get to that point. Years of head spinning confusion.

Out of everything I’ve read here, your situation, and your response to it, sounds so like the situation I was in. Expect with my partner it was a less of a fiery temper and more of a passive-aggressive, sneering, sniping seethe.

When you finally see it for what it is, it a shock and you wonder why you doubted that his behaviour was abuse. It’s just so very hard to believe that the nice person, who is charming and funny can turn into such a nasty person. It’s like you are living with two people. But you’re not – they are the same person and the nasty part of his personality is who he is and that won’t change. I am sure you have read the section in Bancroft’s book about signs you partner will become violent? Pay heed. Even if he is unlikely to become violent, the fact that you bought that book shows that not all is right and that you are in a dangerous situation.

All of the figuring out of what might be wrong with him – is he a n********t, is he mentally ill etc., keeps the focus on him (which is just what he wants) and not on you and your children.

You’re trying to get into his head to see the world from his perspective so that you can understand why he so difficult. But you cannot get in there, and there are no real answers as to what is wrong with him. Shift the focus off him and onto yourself. Stay in your own head.

The National Domestic Abuse Helpline were incredibly helpful for me. I was embarrassed ringing because he had only been violent once. I felt I was taking time that should be for someone else. But the woman helped me see how my bad my situation was and that I was right to call. Maybe a call to them could help you work out what you should do – for you and your children, NOT for him.

[Headspinning]

Thanks for all the great advice. It’s true, I am spending more time over analysing what’s going on in his head than trying to fix my own.
It was easier to cope when it first happened and I was really angry. As the dust settles and the anger in me calms down I just feel really sad.
I keep thinking about what could be if he addressed that part of him that makes him react so extremely. Given he managed a good year with me without this ring a feature he must be able to.
The frequency does get worse over time. It’s not physical but I can remember 2 incidents when he shoved me to the ground andon one I was so angry I kicked out at him…he kicked me back. Not hard – but it happened.
Ironically there is a female relative of his who has recently revealed she was in a violent relationship and he is full of anger towards the bloke. He can’t see that how he treats me (sometimes) is also a form of abuse. It’s like he blanks it out or down plays it in his mind.
My kids are back home (detail removed by moderator) and that will help to distract me and I’ll speak to them about how the house atmosphere has felt and why. I sometimes think I am over reacting and being dramatic. Then I get a flash back of him in full angry mode and remember the things he said and I know I don’t want scenes like that as a regular feature in mine and the kids lives.
I just feel so sad that we could have had it all. I feel anxious at the thought of a messy divorce. I suspect if he is the self serving abuser he will feel entitled and expect much more than he is entitled to. I anticipate he will move on quickly to someone else as he will want a new nest to occupy (and yes – that will prove that all the negatives were real) but it’s still going to be very hard to watch.
Its easier to be angry but not very healthy. I’m normally a really positive person but the reality of my situation is making me really sad and I’m anxious of what the next steps might be.
When does it get easier? Is it normal to feel like this and should I just accept it? Was tempted to contact him last night to tell him how I felt and ask him to seek help so we could have a future, but I suspect he would only hear “I feel sad” and latch onto that – then start bombarding me again to meet. Which would just be more drama.

[Author]

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