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On a downer at the moment. Sitting here alone, haven’t spoken to anyone all day, its really quiet, and I know I should enjoy the peace and the silence. And I do, compared to this time last year. But also feel that all the time wasted on and with him has gone, all those years, won’t ever get that time back, and now I have nothing. No friends. No family. Just all feels like a massive hill to climb. And sometimes it just feels a bit too much. Don’t get me wrong. I’m pleased I’m out, I’m pleased I’ll never have to see him again. But I can’t help feeling so tired. Been really getting on top of me lately. The initial euphoria has worn off. The excitement of the freedom has worn off. Maybe because lockdown is over and now there’s more to compare to but all I see is people with other people, laughing and living. I used to want to be like that, when I was with him, but now I’m out I just feel so tired and like I’m not capable. Its only come on recently this. I have been sociable, I have seen people, old friends but it just left me feeling weird and lacking. I feel much more like me again but me with a big chunk missing, instead of when I was with him and then it was the shadow of me, but now its me from before but somehow tarnished and broken. And I just feel like I’m just existing. No one cares for me. Sure my children do but no adults do. Recently I’ve had to fill in next of kin details and I literally had no one to put down, felt strange. Someone said to me once that the worst thing for a human being is to be ignored, he used to do that, and its true, it felt so horrible, that silent treatment, weeks and weeks of it, it makes you feel inhuman. But I still feel like that, even though I’m out. Its like a massive tornado or tsunami happened, and its all quiet now, just debris. Not sure what the point of this is really. Just feel sad, lonely, alone, like nothing, like I made one big mess up of my life, and I’m so tired of picking myself up and forging on, again.
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Hi iliketea,
I know how you feel. It’s weird, like watching the rest of the world live their lives.
My ex kept me isolated when I moved a number of years ago, so I have no friends locally. I have old friends but over 100 miles away and with their own lives. So, like you, I just have my kids.
It’s hard but there are lots of kind ladies who understand on this forum, so I am sure it will get better. You will find the old you again, it will just take a bit of time, so small steps to get there. Pamper yourself a bit. Watch something you like, have a nice meal and enjoy the space and freedom you now have. -
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Yes, iliketea, I get where you’re coming from. I was moved far away from friends and family. Just feel so isolated and out of place. I go to work and that helps, but I’ve lost so many friends and family over the years because of his behaviour. Have you considered counselling? Maybe that would help you come to terms with what you’ve been through. Just take one day at a time, there are lovely supportive women on here who understand the trauma of abuse.
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They’re right you know, all those lovely ladies above. It will get better, you have to be kind to yourself and this will pass.
It’s not so long ago that you were picking me up off the floor. The down times are awful but the more time you spend away from him, the more of you, you will find.
You will start to draw the right kind of people to you. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you. You can take your time, find you and then find people who are right for you.
I’ll PM you. xx
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Thanks a lot for your kind words and support, really means a lot. It helps to know there are other people feeling the same, but I’m sorry you are too, if that makes sense. Thank you. You really are an amazing group of women. I’m feeling relieved the rain has returned and I can hide away some more. Just going to go with it this time, just too tired to put on a face and push through, again. xx
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100% with you iliketea…& great supporting words from all other women!
It’s TOUGH I feel v similar I do wonder like you what the heck happened…things do seem meaningless & heavy like walking through mud, & everything takes so much effort. I won’t go on as I can hear myself being dreary! But we are with you & I do wish I actually knew you all to go for coffee! Imagine the chats we’d have!
Best wishes & hugs.. Nova
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I left my abuser (detail removed by moderator) ago. Initially I felt ephoric but then I crashed and had a long period of confusion and tiredness. I barely functioned other than the basics for the kids. That’s when the memories started flooding back and along with it some deeply painful emotions. I think looking back that’s why I started drinking so heavily. I’d stare at the walls in a tense anxious state drinking then pass out asleep. I did have friends but they didn’t fully understand and I didn’t lean on them as much as I could have. I expect that was how he’d trained me to be, so I didn’t get support. I’d got back in touch with my parents and had their support just before my exit plan, but didn’t fully trust them either at that time. (Detail removed by moderator) I’d moved back to be nearer my parents for support and just started to be able to feel up to meeting new friends. So that stopped that. Now I do talk to a few Mum’s and Dad’s at school, but no real friends. My old friends he’s started converting, meeting up with them when he has the kids and so I don’t know who to trust now. One even appears to be like a girlfriend. However I have met a new non abusive man and things are amazing. Hurts sometimes when some trigger happens. But he understands and we talk. He was abused by a previous female partner, although not as badly as I was. It’s incredible I’m still unpicking why my ex did things. On holiday abroad with my new man I was allowed my own key and the freedom to go wherever I wanted! That caused a complete meltdown in me with bad holiday abuse memories surfacing. You will find yourself again have no fear of that. It takes time to process after leaving. Everyone has their own timeline as well. I’ve gone quite quickly. I still feel my whole life has been wasted and ruined by him. Others I know are more than double my time but only just getting better. Keep doing little things. Simple things. Getting out into nature. Eating your favorite foods. Any activity you enjoy. Give yourself permission to do it. And remind yourself you don’t ever need someone else’s permission for it or anything else ever again.
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