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‘Hello. I am so relieved to have found this place. I have an introductory question. Has anyone else on here been subjected to the taunt “You should hear what x, y, z say about you “. And has it left anyone else in pieces? This has been such a regular last-ditch thrust by my husband when we have an argument. It regularly reduces me to tears because if other people agree that my view of his behaviour is wrong , then surely I am as crazy as he says. If that makes sense!
Home Survivors’ Forum -
yep – its designed to do this this tactic is basically divide and rule – as thats exactly what hes doing recruiting people on to his side – all fabricated stories! have a look at triangulation in relationships these men are all very samey its there smear campaign when they know that youve got them sussed xx
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some people will see it for what it truly is and others wont. the ones who side with him well for me it was time to say ta ta. now i feel i have way less friends and family but the ones that saw through him i know i can trust with my life. boundaries up from here you dont have to put up with abusive behaviour from anyone xx love diymum
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My partner has convinced alot of our family & friends that he has ‘been as good as gold’ this year & made every effort to keep our relationship together & I have rejected him, treated him like s**t and won’t give him a second chance. He has turned it round so he is now the victim. Doesn’t matter that I tell him & others that the damage had already been done, I’m the one left feeling guilty about it all. They are so good at twisting and manipulating, I’m sure they believe it themselves.
So you are not the mad one, and we all understand. It is another tactic on there behalf.
DD xx-
Thank you for your support I am constantly side-stepping as he moves the goal posts. After all he abuse over the weekend, out of the blue he brought me a cup of tea in bed this morning and is behaving as if nothing has happened. I am fighting my reflexive feelings of guilt because the man I criticised yesterday is behaving iike a nice person.
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Hi Barbara
I know all the well the “nice guy” act our husbands put on … Mine does it too.. at first I believed he was genuine … But the abuse increased until I reached breaking point …if hey really care would they leet us sink that low and not get us help and continue with the abuse.
I started keeping a diary so I knew I wasn’t going mad … And as much as I try and not believe it , the whole nice guy routine really is all an ac…they do it to keep us sweet , a tool to use when they think the threats no longer work… And most the time I play along just to keep the peace… When I challenge my husband about his behaviour when he is doing the calm guy routine(supoosedly it’s good to talk honestly and all that when they are calm) – when challenged his very convincing nice guy mask slios and he goes immediately back to angry in 0 seconds …
So do start keeping a diary if you can … I use a secret journal app on my phone, I am lucky in that he doesn’t know my phone password plus I’ve set it up with fingerprint recognition anyway
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That is such good advice LozzyX. I did write down everything that happened last weekend because I know that otherwise my ever-hopeful mind will let it all become a blur . And of course he claims never to remember what happened and denies anything I repeat back to him in the cold light of day “I never said that. You’re imagining it” etc.I wil log each day now.Good or bad. Thank you
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Barbara, you are not alone here, and you most certainly are not going crazy. My partner has even managed to get a counsellor/therapist to agree with him that I am someone who cannot get on with people because of what he considers to be my “confrontational behaviour” ie I have opinions and am not scared of saying them. Oddly, I have more friends than he does. If my behaviour really was as bad as he says then I would have no friends!
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That is strange cirrocumulus. My husband has only one real ‘friend’ who he sees about twice a year if that.i have quite a few but do not feel I can confide in many of them what is happening because They would find it hard to believe that this funny charming generous man they know has a dark side which he shows to me alone.
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He Barbara, when I opened up to my friends they told me they didn’t like the way he behaved. We have a rose tinted idea of the person who abuses us. Others see it differently. They don’t fool others the way they fool us. Abuse thrives on silence. Talk to people. Validate the abuse. Google the cycle of abuse. Cognitive dissonance. Gaslighting.
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That old chestnut of telling you what other people think of you belongs in the playground. It is the behaviour of toddlers. My ex too has only one ‘friend’ who he sees very, very rarely. It’s ok to speak about your experience of your life. We often don’t because we still feel we are sort of telling on the abuser. We’re truly not. We’re speaking about our own lives, and don’t our lives matter as well? Domestic Abuse is complex and so many people don’t recognise what’s going on under their noses. I didn’t. Many years ago I sort of clocked that something beyond my control was very wrong. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I had no idea I could go it alone and of course I had absolutely no idea of the fury I would cause in him, or perhaps I did and shoved it under the carpet.
It’s taken me a seriously long time to understand what Cognitive Dissonance is. It’s basically the gap between the reality of the situation and what we want it to be. It’s the way we make excuses to ourselves to allow the abuse to continue and sweep the negative bits away.
Your friends may well have seen red flags but not wanted to raise the subject with you. Start gently and speak to Women’s Aid. It’s so Important to validate our experiences.
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Our inclination to have a positive mind when our partners behave ok towards us (my husband makes me a cup of tea every morning) is why they chose us imo. We have a mindset that is hopeful & positive.
It’s important to expect respectful and loving treatment all the time & to remember abusers lie & manipulate.
Write down your feelings, the way you are put down, feel misunderstood, irrelevant etc. In isolation each incident / feeling might seem petty or could be explained away (or denied & lied about by ones abuser). They make up a whole picture of the deliberate damage that is being caused to you by someone who purported to love you. They are not trivial, they are corrosive and any good days are happening because of your positive mind which he knows he can use to keep you in place till he feels he is safe to play up again & get you back in your box where he likes it.
Arm yourself with words that you could use to describe to a stranger you meet in a lift to describe what your life with this man. Remind yourself of these words ready for when your man tells you it’s you that’s the problem (gaslighting/projecting) or tells friends & family it’s you that’s the problem (smear campaign). Have them to hand for when he is being half decent with you. He is faking it & you have to remember that.
Your abuse is real, you aren’t imagining it, you deserve better.
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My ex told me that my Dr who I was seeing nearly every week told him when he went to see her that she told him I was lying and that I was completely mad. I was devastated. I went to a different Dr and told her exactly what he’d been saying. I didn’t believe him but at the same time why would he say it? She clearly had never spoken to him at all about me and then she refused to see him again. It was a really hard thing to overcome what he had me believing other people thought of me. When I’m feeling quite down it comes back to me.
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I had this and also had to listen to years of how ‘mad’ his ex was, deranged, stupid etc. Then he re-established some form of relationship with her AND I recently heard him on the phone to her saying false and bad things about me (lies!). And whilst this has the over tones of the playground he is manipulating people and causing chaos and aggression between family members and being incredibly destructive, my mental health is really bad.To make it even worse I had occasion to meet her some months back after many years of fearing this and she seems to be quite a nice and kind person.
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