Everyone seems to get exasperated with me

[SunshineRainflower]

I just had a terrible experience with one of the helpline workers calling me back. I haven’t been able to get through to them for six months so tonight left a voicemail because I wanted to ask for their help and advice in finding the right sort of therapist for domestic abuse. I wasn’t expecting a long chat, just a small amount of help to keep me on the right track and see if they knew any local abuse specialist therapists.

When I rang them six months ago I spoke to someone absolutely wonderful. She was kind, supportive, listened and helped me understand what was happening and what to do. The person who rang me tonight was abrupt, impatient and kept cutting me off. She said her colleague had listed the local services and that I’d been given more than most people. I told her about how I had tried most of them (there aren’t many) and was on a year long waiting list for the abuse-specialist counselling service. She just told me to ring up about the freedom programme, which I know is not currently running in my area, and clearly wanted to get me off the phone asap and had no empathy whatsoever for my situation in struggling to get the right support. She said they can’t provide emotional support and I understand that, but there is no need to be cruel about it. I feel so, so upset right now, I can’t believe someone working on a helpline could be so cold and lacking in compassion.

Is that all the helpline do now, just list services impatiently then imply you need to get off the line? I didn’t even get the chance to ask her about the type of therapy that they recommend. I know they are crazy busy but the conversation I just had felt unbelievably harsh.

I rang them because I was feeling particularly fragile today because I had an upsetting session with my counsellor and realise it’s not working and need to find someone who understands abuse which my counsellor clearly doesn’t. I had been troubled with the lack of validation from her, for example she never really acknowledges that I was in an abusive relationship. Early on I asked if she believed me and today she admitted that at first she couldn’t/didn’t because ‘she didn’t know me then.’ She said she does now, but why couldn’t she believe me to start off with? Whenever anyone posts on here, I always believe them straight away, why on earth would anyone lie about something like this? She said she’d been thinking about our sessions all week and I felt like she was exasperated with me, I think she is struggling with counselling me which just makes me feel even worse about myself than I already do.

She said she thought I’d been in a relationship with ‘a manipulative person which was traumatic for YOU’ which made me feel like for someone else it would’ve been fine, like I am making a big deal out of it and that it wasn’t really abusive, which just confuses me and makes me feel uneasy.

I feel so incredibly misunderstood and alone. Even my counsellor and now a helpline worker have no time for me, I cannnot believe how awful that phonecall was. I found my outreach worker absolutely brilliant during the summer, but she suddenly seemed to get impatient with me too. Maybe these people are just massively overstretched with their workloads and can now only help anyone in immediate danger and everyone else has to just muddle through?

I can’t stand feeling misunderstood, invalidated and like I am irritating people and that is exactly how I feel right now. I have no idea how to find people who understand me, aren’t irritated by me and who will help me work through what happened. I’m not a bad person, I am kind and I care about people, I don’t understand why this is happening to me.

[KIP.]

Hey I know exactly how you feel. I think the purpose has changed on the helpline. When I first rang there were older experienced women who could impart wisdom. Last time I rang I spoke for 20 minutes then she interrupted me and told me since I was a repeat caller I was only allowed 20 minutes and my time was up. I was feeling so vulnerable and I haven’t phoned back since. I’m afraid the only concellor that was any use to me was a private clinical psychologist at £120 hour. Got myself into debt over that but I was heading for a total breakdown after NHS let me down. This forum has been as good or better than any NHS councelling. Maybe I was unlucky but if I was you I would insist on a specialist domestic abuse counsellor. We are really over sensitive during the recover phase. Lots of emotions rolling about and a deep need for validation. That’s the lack of self esteem and confidence which will return. I used to picture a rock of truth in a choppy sea. You know the truth so hold on tight to that and let others wash over you x it does get much easier. You do not need anyone’s validation x

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you so much KIP, I was feeling like I’m this person that everyone hates and that nobody will help but if you had the same experience it suggests they have started to reduce the call length and get stricter on who they help. I feel less alone reading your response, thank you very much for that.

I remember reading another thread where someone said they had a similar experience. It sounds like they have recruited people to screen calls and only give time to those in immediate danger, which makes sense but there is a lot of work to do post abuse to support women to heal the trauma and to become independent so they don’t end up with another abuser. I don’t blame the helpline, it is clearly a funding issue and a huge societal problem that literally millions of women need their service. I just wish she had been kinder, it was really not a pleasant phonecall at all and she was very impatient with me, not warm or kind or empathetic at all which felt like the worst thing in the world after the bad experience with the counsellor today.

I am going to ring round the abuse specialist counsellors. I am not sure how I can afford one with such a low income but I am hoping the universe will help me figure it out. I suppose if I had a small amount of sessions that might work. How many sessions did you have?

I just badly need someone who gets it, I am tired of having to explain gaslighting to people, tired of people not understanding traits of psychopathy, tired of people doubting me. After my ex and my family have blamed, doubted, lied to and gaslighted me I desperately need someone who understands the dynamic and can give me that confirmation, understanding, validation and help me on the healing journey.

[KIP.]

Hey there, I was utterly desperate and suffering outrageously from PTDS. I had nine sessions. The first three or four were intensive. By five six and seven we were working on relaxation techniques Then towards the end I got to pick her brain. I’d love to go back but can’t afford it now but it’s a great feeling to have her as my safety net. My local women’s aid were fabulous and validated everything I said. You’re still vulnerable. I don’t need validation from anyone now. My mind is clear on who is to blame and why. This took time. I read about abuse. Educated myself. It will all eventually make sense. Be kind to yourself meantime x ask your local women’s aid if they can recommended someone x

[duvetday]

Hey,
Really sorry to hear about your experience 🙁 sounds really tough and frustrating… I really hope you are able to find a decent therapist or counsellor soon..and I’m sorry to hear all of that stuff about your current counsellor. I can relate to wanting that validation. You feel desperate for it at times. And of course you need your counsellor, of all people, to be 100% believing and hearing you, and knowing and understanding the terms and language of abuse :/ I hope you find someone who you can afford soon. x

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you KIP and Duvetday,

I just remembered that this counsellor I’ve been going to also wouldn’t accept about my ex wearing a mask, she said ‘we all wear masks in every day life.’ She basically doesn’t seem to even believe I was in an abusive relationship, or that my ex was an abuser, or that he wears a mask, and definitely not that he’s a psychopath despite him having all the traits of being one like being a pathological liar, sadistic enjoyment of violence, promiscuously cheating on me, zero empathy, zero guilt, zero remorse, covert psychological abuse including lots of gaslighting, using my mental health against me, blaming everything on me, never accepted personal responsibility for anything, seemingly being two different people.

Ugh it makes me so angry thinking I’ve been wasting my time with someone who has absolutely no idea about abuse and has now made me feel even worse about it by not believing me. I felt uneasy about her a few weeks ago but didn’t want to stop the counselling prematurely especially since previous therapists and my outreach worker have pointed out I have a pattern of not liking things and ending them early. Sometimes it feels like all these people get together and talk about me and decide I am rubbish and that they have no time for me because it has happened several times now although I know obviously they aren’t doing this, it just feels like this sometimes.

I have got to wait 6 months at least before I am seen by the abuse specialist service, it will be a years wait in total since the abuse, it’s so frustrating how long the wait is, there needs to be way more funding for this sort of thing as it is an endemic societal problem. I will look for a specialist for maybe 12 sessions before that. I feel like I will need even more validation after this counsellor has disbelieved me.

This year has been so tough post-relationship. I have tried to access several services including two pattern changing courses neither of which worked out. I had a terrible experience with one counselling service who wouldn’t let me go back on the waiting list for a different counsellor after I said I felt the one I was matched with wouldn’t work because she was so young and I felt uncomfortable talking to her. The manager seemed angry with me and like she despised me and asked why I even needed therapy as I had had it years ago, it was awful. Then I tried an NHS counsellor who was like a robot and I couldn’t talk to her at all. Then my outreach worker went funny on me and now this. It’s like nobody has time for me and they are blaming it on me. I know that I can be fussy about things but I just want to have the right counsellor who I can talk to and who understands abuse and if I do a course I want to feel accepted and safe there and validated which did not happen the last time. I’m trying to go with my gut feeling after ignoring it about my ex but it seems that you annoy everyone else if you go with your gut and that everyone expects you to make do even if something feels bad?

It makes me question whether I had an abusive relationship at all, all these bad experiences make me feel very confused about who I am and what has happened and why can’t I find the right help. It’s like everyone thinks it is all my fault and I am running out of options as to what to do. I was so looking foreard to speaking to someone on the helpline because last time they totally understood and believed me and helped me, I feel sick about how this worker spoke to me this time, she was the opposite of kind and helpful. I just want someone to help me!

[duvetday]

Ah, SunshineRainflower, I’m really sorry to hear that… that sounds so rubbish about your current counsellor… I would find that so upsetting. When i have felt that people in my life don’t fully believe me about the abuse it’s the worst feeling ever and in your counselling you need that even more 🙁
That’s really good that you want to listen to your gut. I definitely also ignored my gut feeling countless times with my abusive ex and have that same feeling that I don’t want to do that anymore. I think you should stick with doing that as it’s really important, even more so for abuse victims/survivors as we questioned everything for so long and felt disempowered and not able to trust ourselves.
It’s really rubbish that you’ve had all these negative experiences with different services but hopefully soon you’ll find someone who totally validates your experience of abuse and who you feel you can work thru your healing journey with. I think it’s really normal to feel like people are against you given your experiences… but there will be others who want to help and listen and who care.
The way it all works with waiting lists etc is very frustrating. And in general how lots of domestic abuse services are really under funded and overstretched…I’ve experienced trying to access stuff several times in different parts of the country and not been able to for these reasons and it’s really scary and upsetting at times…And has made me feel alone tbh. Just have to keep pushing for help from somewhere…it seems like you are really determined to do this, despite the obstacles, which is good.
I really know that feeling of just wanting someone to help you 🙁 like I said I hope you find that soon. x

[dustypink]

i have spent 1 more year in abusive relationship due to my counsellor, I can completely understand you! I came to him with my conserns about my husband and actually willing to separate. He didn’t tell me that this is abuse and we started to “work with relationship” instead. I’ve been told that by changing my behave I will be able to make him more loving and caring and not so emotional. (detail removed by Moderator) I was paying him money and he was teaching how to please my abusive husband.

[KIP.]

Hey summerday. Same here. I told my counsellor I was afraid of my husband. He was violent and this (detail removed by Moderator) councellor suggested a trial separation. We all know abusive men are most dangerous when we try to leave them. He never once mentioned the words domestic abuse. Even taught me breathing techniques to use when faced with a fearful outburst! Total ignorant dangerous (detail removed by Moderator). And it just reinforced what I thought that this was all my fault. They should be struck off.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Summerday and KIP, your experiences seems to confirm what I’d been thinking, that there seems to be a major difference between counsellors/therapists who understand abuse and those who do not. The ones who get it approach therapy with us in a totally different way as they understand it requires a completely different approach. This counsellor I have been talking to doesn’t understand abuse so was trying to use her regular approach which was making me feel disbelieved, misunderstood and invalidated. It angers me how regular counsellors don’t seem trained in abuse or at least know that we need a certain type of treatment. They should be told to say ‘sorry I can’t help you as I am not abuse-trained but here are the details of abuse-specialist counsellors who can help’ rather than subjecting us to invalidating therapy where they basically ignore the behaviour of the perpetrators and focus on ‘what we can do to make things better’ as if it was/is our fault which we all know is pretty much the worst thing they could do and the opposite of helpful.

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