Everything feels so difficult

[SunshineRainflower]

I’m really struggling at the moment so thought it might help to post on here. I’m not sure if I’m physically ill or whether it’s to do with trauma but I am exhausted, feel dizzy and spaced out, breathless at times and really depressed.

I saw a dietician earlier this year who worked out that I have quite a significant food intolerance. She put me on a special food plan and I was amazed because it got rid of most of my symptoms – no more bloated stomach, digestive issues, frequent hypoglycemia and my migraines have dramatically reduced which is brilliant.

The only problem is, cutting out this food now means I pretty much have to cook everything from scratch. I went to a pub I know for my lunch one day recently and they were very apologetic but there was not one thing I could eat on their menu so I had to go home and cook again. I don’t have a dishwasher in my rental place so I am usually doing three big bowls of washing up per day as well as spending 1-2 hours cooking and I’m finding it really tiring. That’s on top of food planning and food shopping. I’ve never had tonnes of energy but all this extra work is meaning my energy is depleting fast and I have little left over to do other housework, work on my goals and today I’ve not even showered yet, I just feel so tired.

I spent most of yesterday in bed as I kept having to sit down when I got up. I went to the dr and they’ve ordered blood tests so it will help to check if there is anything going on there.

I also feel plagued with all my traumas. New memories are surfacing such as the time I was sexually assaulted in broad daylight in public when I was about  (age removed by moderator) by a boy who looked my age or even younger. This is just one of many incidents that have happened, I think I just normalised them all. My mum has always acted sort of blasé about men acting like this like ‘boys will be boys’ attitude which clearly was damaging as it made it seem like it was inevitable and not a big deal and didn’t help me protect myself. I haven’t spoken to my parents in weeks because the last time I spoke to my mum she said something really patronising implying that I was a failure ‘but nevermind, just give in and accept it.’ She always gives off this vibe that I have mental health problems, am incapable but ‘it’s ok because me and your dad will support you’ like she doesn’t really believe in me. It makes me feel so trapped, powerless and full of rage. I feel so confused about them because they have never been obviously abusive but I have a lot of memories of things they did that aren’t good. I need to write up a list of everything they have done as I feel really confused about it. One thing I know is that I always feel like I’m the one to blame in the family, that I’m difficult, and that my brother is this amazing golden boy, and that ‘they tolerate and support me as I’m not as capable as other people.’ That’s always the vibe I get from them. (I have a postgraduate level of education, lots of certificates and high grades in all my exams but apparently that is irrelevant!) My brother has always been pretty horrible to me, mocking, putting me down. He’s arrogant, aggressive at times and unpredictable but my mum worships him. My mum has always said she ‘doesn’t know how to love’ and was horrible to me when I was a child always trying to get me to be someone I wasn’t. I was so unhappy at school and got bullied by my brother, by other boys and criticised constantly by my mum as well as screamed at and hit at various times. I have less memories of my dad but he’s always been really sexist, sleazy towards women and has often made me extremely uncomfortable looking at my body, going to close to me, looking at me through door hinges then acting like I’m overeacting when I get angry about it. He always made me feel so powerless. Thank goodness I no longer live with them but how can I support myself financially if I’m too exhausted and depressed to even do my washing up and shower?

I’m also supremely fed up of still not having work in my chosen field. I hate seeing how other people have work in this field when I feel like my work is just as good if not better. The problem is that I can’t sign off benefits and go freelance until I get enough work to pay my rent each month etc so at the moment I’m trapped in limbo – I wouldn’t be able to accept a freelance job if one was offered without more guaranteed work and a range of clients. The only solution I can see is finding a part time job to cover my bills then freelancing on top of that but I’d need to have a lot more energy and better health to manage that. I’m so envious of women who have husbands or boyfriends that support them whilst they build up a business but on the other hand never want to depend on anyone ever again as that just makes you vulnerable.

Well thanks for listening to this, I don’t really have anyone to talk to so the support on here helps a lot.

[freedomtochoose]

hey SRf
just to say didn’t want to read and run.
I’m a bit tired this evening but I can relate to this. it is so hard to do self care in these circumstances.
thinking of you and big hug, wherever you are
all best
ftc
x

[SunshineRainflower]

Thankyou for replying Freedom to choose. Yes self care is so hard to do when we weren’t taught self love and self care growing up. I have to keep reminding myself about it and figuring out what would help me most in each moment.

[freedomtochoose]

I think trauma is exhausting and there is evidence for that.

Completely get about the washing up. I have a near teenager and I would like to be able to rest in our place, but things are so messy with a teenager so I have to work really hard accepting that.

Self care too as challenge. Lately I have been trying to make things really simple. For example drinking water is self care and generally if I drink enough, I know I feel better generally.

Trying to find simple ways of self care

all best
freedom

[KIP.]

Hey, I posted on another topic about trauma. By expecting too much you’re setting yourself up to fail and the low mood that brings. Give yourself three goals a day. That was all I could manage. Open mail. Shower. Cook. Prepare enough for a few days and freeze it or store it in fridge. Make the most of your good energy days and don’t be hard on ourself on the other days. It’s going to take time. Be ruthless with people who drag you down. Keep them at arms length x

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you Freedomtc and KIP.

Freedom I have a messy place but no teenager in sight, just me and my cat! I have a lot of washing up due to no dishwasher (which I got used to for years) and having to cook most things from scratch due to my food intolerance. I’ve just baked lovely cookies but my usually awesome cat kept meowing constantly for food whilst I was trying to bake just after I’d fed her and I felt really harassed. I now have another big washup to do as usual. If I had room I’d definitely buy a dishwasher. I’m just not feeling good at the moment. You’re right about trauma, I’m wondering whether all my traumas are just catching up with me now.

Thank you KIP. When I first left I just sat in my room all day shaking then gradually built up like you describe. It’s been over (detail removed by moderator) now so it’s frustrating to get like this again but I think it’s because I’m currently v low contact with my family so all these other traumas are coming up. I went out to the shop today and felt disorientated and anxious but it was good to not just be stuck at home. I’ll try your technique this week and take the pressure off myself. I just get so frustrated you know, like I just want to be happy and successful and have a great family, good friends and a wonderful partner as well as paid work I enjoy. Other women seem to have that and I want that too.

[freedomtochoose]

I came across something along the lines today of the harder we push, the less likely it is that we stand a chance of healing. So in slowing down you are doing the right thing
all best
ftc

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