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    • #130871
      Topazzz
      Participant

      Hello
      I’ve since found out that everything I was told is probably a complete lie.
      Some of which, I was so supportive about and offered lots of my time and empathy.
      Since I can no longer contact this person, how do you handle never knowing?
      I really want to confront and ask questions, I want them to know that I know.

    • #130872
      KIP.
      Participant

      You’re thinking that if you confront them that they will give you the response you want but in reality they would use the contact to harm you further. To once again lie and twist the blame. It’s accepting that with an abuser there is no closure. It’s just zero contact and hope the harm they have done to you is quickly repairable. They probably know you have seen through their lies but they simply don’t care. Abusers don’t think the same way we do. They have no empathy at all and no moral compass.

    • #130876
      Stressedandalone
      Participant

      My ex is the same, everything was a lie even when he was caught out he still lied. I’m guessing I will never know the really truth because even if he did tell the truth I would never believe it anyway.

    • #130884
      Grey Rock
      Participant

      Yep. So many lies. And lies to excuse or cover the lies. And now I’m on no contact yet more lies via social media despite the court ordering no contact, supposedly to try to get me to call him so he can make things right – yeah, I’ve heard that before and even fell for it the first few times, I was so desperate to get back to how things were in that initial honeymoon period.

      No more. I’m not ever going to give him the chance to speak his lies to me again.

      It’s pointless trying to get closure with an abuser. They just use it as an opportunity to hook us back in. Either that or up their game and become nastier with smear campaigns and the like.

      I know it’s frustrating but it’s safer to play your cards close to your chest.

      GR

      • #130899
        Topazzz
        Participant

        Thank you for your advice, I am the other way round which is what’s causing the most anxiety I’ve ever experienced.
        He has stopped all contact, because I’m so weak, I’m craving that he speaks to me.

    • #130914
      cakepops
      Participant

      It’s all about control. If you want no contact they will find multiple ways to invade your life. If you want to discuss something/have feelings of needing closure they will block you.

      As others have said you’ll never get anywhere with wanting the truth, as the likelihood is they don’t even remember what the truth is any more.

      • #130925
        Topazzz
        Participant

        I want to contact him, it’s driving me insane, my anxiety is immense. I can’t think of anything else but trying to contact him. I keep checking hourly to see if I’m
        Unblocked 😫

      • #134435
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        Hey, remember it’s the trauma bond that’s making you want to contact him. Do anything to make sure you stay out of contact. Go for a walk, do something with friends or family. Contact someone to talk about it, do something arty. Anything, where focus goes energy flows. Take that focus off of him.
        Why do you want to contact someone who only lies to you?
        During this time, my brother used to say to me ‘remember you cannot trust your emotions right now’.
        It helped. I knew I had to shift all focus off those emotions. Use my head and direct the focus somewhere else.
        One day you will be so proud of yourself for being strong and not contacting him.
        xx

      • #134437
        Eyesopening
        Participant

        Also one day you will just be at peace, they lied, they treated us badly. But that’s the past now. There is nothing we can do about that or about them. They are who they are. You are the only person that matters in your life.
        xx

    • #134425

      Unfortunately, you’ll never get the truth from them anyway even if you confront them. I used to ask my abusive ex when we broke up “Why did you abuse me and do all these harmful things if you love me / loved me?” – he’d say because he was young and stupid, while gaslighting me about the abuse. Eventually it hit me and I recognised the gaslighting and this was after we both went to therapy separately, he will never change. Narcissists, abusers, manipulators never change but their stories or recollection of memories will change every time you ask. Sometimes I wonder if they even know their truth because they lie so much.

      Please do not contact him, you deserve so much better. You’re doing so well angel. Sending you a massive hug!

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