Everything makes me angry

[AlwaysSorry]

I’ve been so angry for a while now, everything sets me off and I don’t think it’s healthy or normal I don’t know? I do know I’ve been scared to post on here to others because I’m worried I won’t be showing any compassion, I’m just at extreme ends all the time between sadness and anger. I’m sorryf or that.

I tried to use the anger so I went for a walk. And then I remember how he taught me that if you love someone, you follow them when you argue. If I walked into another room, he followed me because he loved me and we needed to work this out. If I walked out of the flat, he followed me because that’s love. He even scratched someone else’s car once in following me. I once ran away with nothing, no keys no nothing just to get space but he ran after me. He taught me that’s what you do when you love.
And then I remember how he were name-calling me the c-word with various versions of fat/ugly in front of it for so long. I remember booking flights to get away, saying I will do it but saying nothing else, not rising to his name-calling. He threw his drink at me. I said nothing. He spat at me, it landed in my hair. I said nothing. He spat in my face. I said nothing, just clicked book. And then he cried and whined because I was leaving him. So he called to get my booking to leave him cancelled. And he taught me that was me being abusive and I don’t know if it was but it makes me so angry to think of.
He taught me the very behaviour that he later punished me for. And he also taught me that if I did not act how he had taught me to, that would also be wrong and incur punishments. He. Set. Me. Up. For. Constant. Failure. For. His. Own. F*****. Amusement.
And then I remember the smiles, you know, the vile kind. The ones where he knows he has won, he knows I’m about to break. I even remember the bulge that so quickly appeared. But in the end they both disappeared, because I was just giving up too quickly for there to be much of a struggle, I would run for the phone too quickly. Which he couldn’t have, because that was me regaining control. But not of control of him, control over my own actions.
I went for a walk that turned into a power walk that turned into I don’t know, but I must have looked angry. I lost over 600 cal according to my app which made me feel happy! How dare I! Back to anger. I kept walking till my blisters grew blisters that grew blisters. Now I can’t walk. So I tried to build a wardrobe and I failed at it and injured I don’t know how many fingers in the process. I was so angry I wanted to unpack and not live out of boxes anymore, but I failed at it. It’s wobbly and will just fall over if I put anything in it. Which just made me so sad.
I had no one when I came to live with him, the ones I had were hundreds of miles away, some even in other countries. My connection to most had always been online, but even that he severed.
I had no one when I was told he had kicked me out and wanted me gone and I had no where to live. There wasn’t any bonds left for him to sever apart from the one between me and him. And as with everything, this little plaything had to be thrown away because I’d broken the ultimate rule of reporting him. And then I remember the times where I thought this is it, he won’t stop this time and I remember not being able to breathe. I remember he complained I had scratched his hands after one of those times. He said he would have to make up a story to cover for me so no one would know I had abused him. And I got so angry remembering that that I’ve asked for a restraining order and I don’t know if I can say that on here but as much as I will always love the fake him, I don’t ever want to see him or communicate with him in any way ever again.

I’m halfway thought why does he do that. I don’t think I’ve ever used a highlighter as much in my entire life. I’ve never been this angry in my life either, but I crash into immense sadness like a wobbly wardrobe. Not even that I could do right, I can just hear him critizising me.

[KIP.]

Wow what a very brave post. I just want you to know that all these feeling are normal and you will get past this. I was once told that we need to take our brains and thought patterns apart and retire them. Such is the confusion left by the abuser. So that’s what I did. I found a wonderful therapist. Slowly we looked at these thoughts and where the camp from and we retired my brain. The abusers teachings are purely designed to cause confusion and pain to us, so it’s no wonder you’re angry. You have every right to be angry but anger should be a phase you pass through. Don’t get stuck in anger, accept the feelings and let them go, I used to picture a red balloon with all my anger in it and watch it fly away. Are you receiving counselling to help rewire your thought process? What he did to you was shocking abuse. I’m glad you’re free to at least start to recover and you totally seem to have a grip on what happened. Keep moving forwards. Sending you strength x

[AlwaysSorry]

I just can’t seem to escape the glimpses of when I thought this was it. It’s strange to remember them, it feels like being back there and then when I feel my lungs really screaming for air, I know I can breathe where I am now but even when I had gained a lot of weight, I was never a match against his strength. I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared as in those moments.
I don’t like how I think now, a lot of the ways in which I felt I might have been abusive towards him is from ways he had taught me to think like never leaving me alone = I was not allowed to leave him alone. If I did leave him alone, it wwas wrong and there’d be punishment. I didn’t leave him alone, surprise, punishment. I once was literally placed on a small stool for an hour to sit in a corner to think about what I’d done. And I sat there thinking I’m a horrible person for asking to have a date night maybe once a month. When in reality what he’d heard was once night where he couldn’t do whatever he wanted to do, including going out with his friends. But I sat there feeling bad because then I’d made once of my jealous comments about these friends of his that I after years still wasn’t allowed to even meet. I introduced him to the friends I had that it was logistically possible for him to meet (then he took those friends away, granted), so why wasn’t I allowed to meet them? By the end I’d met them twice. Half the women refused to even introduce themselves. I felt like a pariah. And then afterwards, my ex wanted me to rank his friends and who I liked the best and the least. There was of course no right answer. I saw once drink a bottle of proseccu only to go behind the wheel of a car. I ranked her last. She’d also been one to refuse to say hello to me, so since I was forced to rank them, I ranked her last. It shouldn’t have been a surprise he then used her and pretended they were a couple when they went away abroad. but back to being jealous, cause I was. I’m just thinking, maybe he will claim that I made him abusive and twist it all.
I only receive talk therapy at the moment, I am waitlisted for PTSD evalution. Talk-therapy isn’t doing it for me at the moment, my therapist wants me to picture myself beating him as a revenge fantasy of sorts. I don’t want to. I did sometimes push him back, I did scratch him to get his hands off at times, and I’ve felt sick with guilt for that ever since. I don’t think imagining hurting him is going to do anything but make me feel even more guilty.

[fizzylem]

I get this AS, I had never felt so angry, and it went on for a long time, I knew that I was not helping myself and feared appearing to others as this angry, spitting, an unpleasant person – someone to avoid. Because it spills out everywhere hey and into everything, it effects how we see most things.

Anger can feel like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, only nothing at all happens to him.

There are usually two parts to our anger.

1. The anger you feel towards him – which undertstandably you have every right to feel.

2. The anger you feel towards the self for getting in this situation.

I would suggest you try and focus on no.2 for now, as this is something you can do – forgive yourself. ‘Genuinely’ and ‘full heartedly’ forgive yourself – work towards this with everything you do, with every thought process be sure to arrive here, make this your goal. Once I’d got there this seemed to aleviate one hell of a big chunk of it for me.

It involves being kind to yourself, putting down that critical, self loathing, self blaming voice – not beating yourself up with your own inner voice, applying kindness and compassion to the self, not now and then, although this is how it starts, but always and everytime!

It requires lots of self care and responding to yourself and your needs, ask yourself, what do I need today, is it a walk, to see a friend, some reflection time, a haircut, whatever it is you need give that to yourself along with healthy eating, more water, exercise, 5 minutues to sit quitely and feel the sun beat down on your face, whatever it is for you – give this to yourself.

Maybe keep a journal to help you process your thoughts and express yourself, make it about ‘you’, how you feel, what you have learnt, what you think, ‘my diary of self awareness’ maybe? Include things like what I know now that I didn’t know then. The illusion, the reality, take it wherever you need to go. Why are you so angry, which boundaries did he trample and squash exactly? What was not ok for you; how might you handle this should this ever happen again, what mistakes did you make? What the hell has this dreadful expereince taught you about life and yourself – a few ideas here for you.

Find a therapist and others to talk to; so important, use the helpline, I used the samaritians as well – you need to ‘express’ how you feel with others – this helps you to find the release you need and make sense of things – v imporatnt – stops it going round and round in your head and you adding yet more angry thoughts to the pot. Although I’m not religious, I went to speak with the local vicar, because he is wise and compassionate, he helped me so so much. I found it’s helpful to speak to those who don’t really know me – freeing. Those who want to help to make others feel better and for no other reason – give people a bit of what they need to help them on their way – like the vicar. I also went to Buddist meditation classes and listened to the teachings – this helped, helped me to change how I think.

You will get past this flower, but it requires work, we dont get angry for no reason, you need to process it and work through it, make sense of it, express it so that you can let it go. The bits that stem from being angry with yourself – this you can do something about. I imagine that right now you have a pot of anger that when you think of something else you add to it, it’s so full it’s bursting, the lids going to blow and frequently does blow when you add one more angry thought – so you are always either full or brimming over or blown. You need to feel ok about some of it, workout which bits you can now let go of x

[Scapegoat]

AS I totally get where you’re coming from as this is exactly how I feel. There has been no let up for more than a couple of days in the last (detail removed by moderator) and I am so p***** off now with him/life/myself that I really am losing the plot. Like you I am to blame for everything- how I react; talk; blah blah blah yet I am going round in a vicious b****y circle like on a roundabout that I can’t get off. I cannot make a decision even simple ones like should I text him to say I’m going to shop after work, whatever I decide is always wrong. If I cook it’s hit if I don’t he is starving. If I clean house when he is around I’m being noisy and if I don’t I’m a dirty s***k. If I talk softly I’m patronising if I shout I’m abusive/aggressive and controlling. If he attacks me and I defend myself I have hurt him and he threatens to report me. Asked him why he wants to be with me and says because I love you of course, then tells me how s**t I’ve been for 10 years, 20 years, 6 years. When I studied at home I was leaving on him on his own. When I go to work and he doesn’t I’m leaving him on his own. If I go upstairs to watch one half hour programme a day ( as he rules the remote) I’m leaving him on his own. Just started to realise this will never change but I can’t change it as don’t have energy. Realise I am actually a person who deserves to be able to do normal things like go to a shop with being questioned and accused of sleeping with everybody in the vicinity. And boy am I a angry about it. Think I’m actually more angry with myself fir being so pathetic and not resolving it like an adult ( although I have tried) and angry I have been dragged into his petty childish fights and am probably behaving as badly as he is in terms of mud slinging. But I just cannot keep my big fat gob shut. Am too waiting fir counselling and cannot take anti depressants as they don’t agree with me. Really feel for you hun

[AlwaysSorry]

Thank you all for your helpful input. I will keep a diary, because yes I’m never calm anymore, and when it blows, it ends with me in just floods of tears. It’s really difficult to think in terms of forgiving myself because some of the things I did were not nice. Who wants a jealous girlfriend and I am really angry that that was what I became. I’ve never been fond of the blame game (I think you will agree), so I feel by saying I was only jealous because he did x,y,z is.. playing the blame game. I tried counting the number of women he made sexual comments about / said wanted to have sex with him or something similar. I got to 8 then it just became too depressing. We once bought a pack of condoms with 10 or 12 in because I had missed a pill and I while I want to be a mum, I don’t want it to be an accident, so I was insisting on using those for the next week. We used two. Next time I found the box while cleaning – I wasn’t snooping for it – there was only 2 left. I just find it hard to forgive myself for being jealous, but it hurt to wake in the middle of the night with him busy with himself while zooming in on pictures on his phone, or hearing women moaning outside the door, or him going away with some of these 8 women who apparently were just falling all over him. And when he got jealous if I had to do a quick call to a colleague (happened once or twice in all our relationship) just to (detail removed by moderator), I sat calmly and explained there was nothing going on, there was only one guy for me. He never did that for me, in fact he made big deals about being asked to choose between me and these other women. How do I forgive myself for my own jealous behaviour 🙁

And it makes me wonder. Nothing was ever good enough. Mishearing him was enough to be assaulted. Asking him a question about our relationship, where it’s going, was enough to be strangled and dumped. I remember the feelinig of egg shells very clearly and how it had been there for years. I just can’t quite understand yet why. He wants more than anything to be powerful and perfect. So why not get rid of me when I was just this aspect of his life he kept hidden and used to portray himself as the brave victim. I just can’t quite see it clearly enough.

It won’t be long before I have to see/hear him again. I don’t know if I ca nsay this but I was close on some occasions to not be here anymore, and I think sometimes my head wants the peace of not being here anymore.

[diymum@1]

the thing is we get triangulated and I never new about this at the time it happened to me over and over in each relationship I was in. You feel that your not good enough. the problem is these men ‘triangulate’ to make you jealous- they make out other women are interested in them (they may or may not) but its giving there egos a boost. Your needing him more and more and feeling jealous we think god I must really love this guy? were actually feeding their ego they would do this to any woman they were with/ a super model. weve been triangulated – when I read about it I saw that there was nothing I could have done – I would never have matched up and I shouldn’t have tried so hard and gotten so distraught over it. I was once told look at her (she looked about 16) im more than double that age. she looks amazing and here I am stuck with a cripple like you – my god that hurt but I can see now what he was doing xx not sure if this helps but it really helped me xx look up triangulation in relationships xx love diymum

[AlwaysSorry]

Thanks DM, I really was never good enough in any way and it didn’t help when I got a depression and was put on anti-depressants and started gaining weight. 🙁 I never knew if it was all mind games or not, I just knew it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. He’d often say I couldn’t do his job so his female colleagues were a lot more admirable than me. I’m ashamed to admit I missed being put on a pedestal by him like he did in the beginning.

I just remembered something else. There was a period of some time where I would run for the phone when he hadn’t hurt me bad enough so that I could still run, move, get away. He said I was using the phone as emotional blackmail against him and that I was holding it over him and abusing him by going for the phone. He broke it into several pieces once. I had to pay for the new one because it was my fault he had broken it. Because I’d gone to call and report him. I felt such shame, I remember my stomach was twirling and whirling and aching because I was so ashamed of myself for giving him the ultimatum of either stop hitting me or I will call. I think I’m gonna need a lot of imaginary balloons.

[EbonyRaven]

You had every right to be unhappy about his infidelities. There’s nothing at all irrational or ‘jealous’ about it. What he was doing was out of order. You don’t need to forgive yourself for that at all, it was perfectly normal. It’s only his browbeating that has you thinking it was wrong and from what I’ve read here about him, his opinion deserves absolutely no credence or respect.

Have you seen the children’s cartoon film Up? I’m imagining all those balloons just like in that film.

[AlwaysSorry]

I think I’m crashing hard now, I don’t know what’s happening. It’s helpful picturing balloons but some things require more imaginary balloons than others and they still loom under the surface. It’s been a bad night, it’s just getting harder to find things that I can say “this is good” because reality is I hate it here. I’m not happy, I don’t want to live here, I’m lonely as hell but can’t imagine talking to anyone but on here and it leads to dangerous longings for him where I’m actually wondering if I could go back, should I have begged him to not leave. I hate this medication, anything with a side effect saying “weight gain” and I will just blow up, I’m nearly double the weight I was when he met me, who could ever possibly want me. And this d*** headache I’ve had for years from all the d*** headbutting and kicking my head and smothering me, my GP won’t refer me for scans to check for any damage but just seems to think it’s “in your head”. That last assault only f****** happened because he found out I was in pain from it as I couldn’t help making a the tiniest noise of pain and then he started this whole guess-which-one-of-the-new-girls-want-to-sleep-with-me-c**p. My head was killing me so yea, let’s pile on some jealousy and storm out just because I wasn’t okay with that, then come back, assault me, try and get me to assault myself, leave again. Oh FFS this just reminded me of something else, it’s like lightbulbs coming on. I had a sore shoulder once from doing too much lifting at the gym, we didn’t live together then, was very new, not even sure we called ourselves a couple then. I made noises of pain on a phonecall because I was moving it to try and loosen it. It just occurred to me he liked those noises.

[Lisa]

Hi AlwaysSorry

I just wanted to offer you some support, i can hear you are really struggling at the moment which is completely understandable. It sounds so hard to keep having these lightbulbs of memories and realisations coming to you and anybody would struggle to deal with the emotions they bring up.
The abuse you suffered was so severe, you really are so strong to even be here now working your way through it all.

We are here for you.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[fizzylem]

I get it AS, you’re so angry you know you cant be with others – I was there once. It’s utterly dreadful.

I learnt from my GP that they couldnt help, which kind of helped, as I thought right, it’s down to me then.

It took me months and months before I actually had any strength to do any exercise, had no motivation or energy at all, just lay in bed most of the time. But, eventually, there were windows here and there when I could manage some yoga, I even eventually started to go out for very short runs, I managed 30 days of doing this, a 5 minute run every day! Was a huge achievement for me. I also spent 5 minutes stretching before I ran – what I noticed was my fitness improved a bit, and it also started to free the pain and tension in my head. This was 3 months ago now. It’s still there yes but it has eased and I do get pain free time and the feeling my head is normal again now and then, which I never believed would be possible after having this pain for 3 years.

Anger can be so distructive. Have you read anything on-line re how to deal with it? I think it really helped me having people to work it through with – not a friend, helpers, freinds dont like it, which is understandable, guess they dont really know how to respond, so in your case, when you do meet a new freind, it would be good to maybe be past some of this first – be feeling more you again and a bit freer of this.

I think what kills anger is compassion. Try to be with those who can offer you this – it really is so very helpful x*x

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi AlwaysSorry,

You abuser sounds awful, absolutely awful, he seems big on punishments and mind games and got a sadistic side to him as well it seems if he enjoys to hear you in pain. What a nasty ¥*%<~<? I’m sorry he ever crossed your path.

I am very concerned about your head injuries, I would get a second opinion, how can your GP just dismiss you and not do any scans?! I know two colleagues of mine that have died due to headaches, so I would take this very seriously, it wasn’t abuse related, just migraines, but it happened suddenly, unexpectedly. Head injuries are extremely important, definitely get it checked out.

About the anger, It’s definitely healthy to let it out all, I find physical outlet the most helpful, as soon as I feel agitated with anger, I go walk or swimming is even better I found. And writing here. Because we all can relate, I’ve never been this angry in my entire life. And the good thing is you can express any feelings labelled negative, anger, jealousy, shame etc and express them freely and you know what?! Because you can and you won’t get punished for it!! It is safe to feel whatever you feel, this is great news. Anyone ( other than abusers) will respect your feelings because you are a human being allowed to feel what you feel at that moment.

It’s perfectly ok to feel jealousy as well, especially if he designed it to stir the feeling in you, it is a normal reaction, he is/was your man, how could you not feel jealous if he talks and praised other women instead of you? No, he should love you and make you feel special not others. So the jealousy you felt is a totally appropriate response to his actions and games.

What I can relate to the most is the hating where you are now… I am in the same situation, I live a life which I am fed up with, I want to move actually, I just haven’t figured out a way yet on how to make it happen.

Sending you a big hug, you’ll be ok.
Cry it out on your pillow, sleep as much as you need, drink water, go out when you feel angry and do sports (without injuring yourself!), watch movies to give your head a break. The Hunger Games have been helpful for me lately.
Breathe in, breathe out, you’ll be ok darling. 💗

[Woollymammal]

Hi AS,

I’m so sorry at how your feeling and your anger overwhelming you..
It is so understandable, you and the other ladies on here have kept me going.. sometimes it’s hard to get on here..
What about a punch bag for releasing your anger..
I’ve wanted one for years to help with the anger of my daughter being killed and him taking away my grief.. but it ended up him wanting a punch bag, so I never got it..
I’ve been doing a word game lately, although he hates me being on my phone not giving him attention it really has took my mind away from things..
I was so angry with what he did today I almost screeched out loud at the car park . He ended up laughing cuz I was mad.. but I had to keep it in..
All I can say is, let that anger out get a punch bag and punch away at it… shout and scream.. because you can now.. your spirit is free to do it…
Thinking of all you ladies, it would be so good to have a group hug with you all..
Your all my inspiration…
Hugs xxz

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Wollymammal, I want to tell you how sorry I am for the loss of your daughter, it brought tears to my eyes and heart…I lost two closed loved ones (not my children) and couldn’t imagine not being allowed to grieve for them. It must be suffocating. Can you leave your abuser so you can grieve your daughter? Wish too we could have a big group hug 💞 sending you a big big hug💗

[diymum@1]

feeling resentful/jealous toward women who tempt him? this is how this lefy me heres what ive learned;

have you ever felt furious at a woman your partner was flirting with? when a partner has cheated on you, have you felt deep feelings of resentment? do you get sick of other women trying to take him away from you?

consider making a big shift (i know its a bit late now) in how you look at these interactions. your partner is not helpless in how he deals with women. a woman cant flirt with him unless he plays along with it.a woman cant sleep with him unless he chooses to participate. no woman is a threat to your relationship;your partners lack of committment and honesty is the threat.

the controlling man is fond of claiming that he just cant help it.he’ll use any excuse for flirting or cheating as he uses for verbal abuse or violence: ‘i was too emotional.i was drunk.that woman seduced me’.And its tempting for you to go along with this and project your anger onto other women in his life, because then you dont have to take in how hurt you feel by his actions. you can tell yourself ‘he totally loves me;its just those seductive women who are the problem’

the truth though,is that the more he suceeds in getting you to blame or attack other women,the more he increase his control over you. its a power trip.

consider reversing the roles for a moment.would your partner accept the excuse that you were helpless in the face of a mans seduction, or that you werent aware or sober enough,or that your desires overwhelmed you? not for a second. he would completely hold you responsible for your choices. but in his eyes those rules dont apply to him.

double standards are the hall mark of abuse.

love diymum xx

[diymum@1]

sending you part of the group hug wm big love diymum xxxxx

[AlwaysSorry]

i’m really sorry, thank ou all so much for your kindness and hugs. it feels like he died.

i’m gonna go to bed tonight saying today i’m happy for the women on this forum.

[Author]

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