Ex checked up on me during quarantine

[bartholomewcubbins]

Hi everyone! I’m kinda nervous and actually really grateful for places like these that help people express their feelings and emotions in a safe environment. Thank you guys for what you do here.
Maybe it’s not a new topic but I would like to ask you for advice on what to do and how to manage emotions when an ex (n**********c one) checks up on you during quarantine.
We broke up (removed by moderator) ago, I left him after years of constantly ruminating and doubting if I want to be with this person anymore and if I even saw a happy future with him. We were together for (removed by moderator) years, since high school, first and only relationship. I’m (removed by moderator). We started dating at school and then after (removed by moderator) he basically discarded me and I was miserable for the next (removed by moderator) when suddenly he came back and I took him back happily. I know realize that it was doomed from the start. He was being a classical n********t, wish I knew this back then.
I naturally distanced myself from him after years of letting myself be gaslighted, devalued and underappreciated. The dynamic wasn’t really healthy at all. I tried to distance myself as much as I could and broke up with him when I was done with pretending to want to be in a relationship I didn’t want to be in. I felt heartbroken and actually hollow. Empty. I now know how feelings can die.
(Removed by moderator) after the break up he came to me, wrote me a letter (never did that before, always thought romantic gestures were a sign of a wuss), brought a big bouquet of red roses (he never brought me flowers) and also (removed by moderator). The first line in his letter was (removed by moderator). It was not his usual manner, my gut felling told me he wasn’t being his true self at that moment, because he did the exact things I really needed in this relationship. He is really smart by the way. In the letter he told me (removed by moderator). I told him we both had to move on. I guess my mistake was that I wasn’t too harsh and straightforward, but I did say that we will one day meet new people. But I also said that if it was meant to be, we would meet each other again one day. Stupid. I told him I want something else, I don’t want this, I want a different kind of man beside me and that I was tired. He said, yeah I guess you need this time to be alone and “you are right, it is a right decision to break up”. I don’t get it, it was either manipulation to get me back one day or that he sincerely believed that it was right. After he left I cried and started doubting my decision, feeling so much guilt that I broke up with “such a good guy” (in fact, he never really was during all these years). Then I realized that it was just a manipulation from his side and I started feeling better.
(Removed by moderator). I was like what the hell are you even talking about, we are broken up! I didn’t keep the letters.
Basically, he would never do something like this when we were together and we both knew it.
Then he called me a couple of weeks after, said he wanted to talk to me and meet me, told me he found a new job. I said I didn’t want to meet him, because obviously I didn’t let him go yet. And what’s the point anyway? He said that he (removed by moderator) realized where he was wrong in his behavior. Also, he said that he watched (removed by moderator) (he NEVER watched any romantic/dramatic movies with the love story as a plotline! I remember him saying it’s stupid to make love the main plotline). (Detail removed by moderator). I told him I didn’t want to end this relationship, I was afraid to do so, but I HAD TO because I was mentally and emotionally drained, unstable and was depressed for the last year. I didn’t see a happy future with him, the prospect of marrying him, living with him and having kids with this person made me depressed and feeling stuck for the rest of my life! (Removed by moderator). I blocked his number and went no contact.
We didn’t have love, you know? I knew he loved the idea of me, he loved my appearance but he didn’t really see the true me. I didn’t want to open up at some point and became secretive. All the feelings I had vanished, I didn’t really care anymore when he would devalue my interests or my ideas. I was just getting ready for this decision. I told him that people don’t change and he didn’t agree. But he really DIDN’T change for all these (removed by moderator) years we were together, and the moment I felt the most relaxed to share something or do something, that he would do something that brought me back to thinking that yeah, this person doesn’t love me. He says he does, but still does hurtful things to me. Love isn’t about pain or a struggle.

Sorry for such a big intro. You know a lot happened during these weeks – coronavirus quarantine, world basically going crazy and unstable. So it added to my anxiety over a breakup. But gradually I started feeling better. I even talked to a guy during this time (I started catching feelings and fortunately stopped talking once I discovered he had a gf). I didn’t heal yet.
So yesterday my ex wrote me in (removed by moderator) and asked how I was doing, my health and work situation, I told him it’s good, hope you’re good too. He replied (removed by moderator). I didn’t answer him and deleted the chat.
My problem is: today and yesterday I started thinking about him obsessively, like I lost control again. Maybe he was sincere, but I don’t trust him anymore after years of psychological abuse. I started having huge feelings of guilt because I didn’t thank him and left him on read. It’s hard for me to refuse people or be “not nice” to them. I feel like I always owe people something.
How not to go back to a n********t and keep yourself together during this time with your ex trying to play this game of a “good guy” on you? How not to feel guilty about leaving a partner? Because I know this isn’t good for me and he will go back to psychological abuse once I feel comfortable in a relationship.
Thanks a lot!

[KIP.]

You need to go absolutely zero contact. Block him on everything. This is stalking and harassment. If I was you I’d ring the police and get some advice. I’d send him one last message telling him what you’ve done and if he contacts you again either directly or indirectly you will report him. I know this sounds harsh but by doing this you burn your own bridge for going back to him. The next moment of strength you get please send the message then don’t reply to anything else or the police will see it as just an argument. We are vulnerable to abusers for the rest of our lives. It’s like a heroin addict. Absolutely zero contact. And that includes social media and telling any of your friends that. You don’t want to hear about him. He knows you will be feeling vulnerable. That’s when a con man will strike. Taking back control will help with your self esteem. Writing a journal of everything he ever did to you and how that abuse made you feel. Abusers are often cheaters and may have other women too. You might find he’s been dumped and off he goes trying to hook in an old victim. It’s easier to recycle an old victim than break in a new one. Stay strong and take control.

[bartholomewcubbins]

Thanks a lot for you advice! I really really appreciate it. It’s amazing actually how seemingly innocent attempt to learn about one’s well-being makes us feel so frustrated, it’s not even fair. You’ve broken my trust to the point that I know I can’t really take your words for real. I’m just speechless, read a lot of stories online and researched on the n*********s since the breakup, and wow those people are really, really bad. But they want to always be “nice guys” after a breakup, especially if they weren’t ones to end it. Still boggles my mind how they really know they are hurting us and doing so anyway.
I already did, by the way, blocked him because feeling indebted to the person who doesn’t deserve it is one of the most destructive things. Keeping my journal as well! It also works.
You’re right, no contact rule really works wonders, along with all other methods.
Thank you again for your response, hope you’re safe now, take care during these times!

[KIP.]

The most confusing thing for me was how after horrendous abuse he’d carry on as normal. It sends us spinning because that’s not how guilty people should behave. Guilty people should hang their head in shame and move town and never ever have the audacity to contact us. Yet these monsters carry on like nothing has happened. And there is no time limit. There was a lady on here who like myself had been through the court process, he husband was convicted of assaulting her, she ended up then get a restraining order. This went on for several years. Around 7 years later, a couple years after the restraining order had ended and she thought she was safe he messages her ‘hi, how are you, do you still have my salad spinner’. I’ll never forget that. They are dysfunctional people lacking in empathy and compassion and like a deadly drug they should come with a health warning. Avoid at all costs and yes I’m safe now, I’m nit the same woman and I dare him to contact me now lol. Look after yourself and try not to waste any energy on such s**m. You need that energy for your own recovery x

[bartholomewcubbins]

You’re right, they are really dangerous human beings. I guess I made a mistake of thinking I could outsmart him by being neutral, which I wasn’t, because of that “what if…”
OMG, the story with that woman’s husband is just horrible, I hope she’s safe now. Glad you have overcome this yourself, I see you as a hero really. We will all have to become warriors one day and get ourselves back.
In Ukraine there’s this amazing writer, her name is Anna Boginskaya (she has English subtitles on some of her videos), she’s (along with many others) helped me a lot, she goes deep into the biochemical process taking place when we’re in a relationship with these people and explains the reasons why would we do that.
Thanks a lot again, saving the energy means everything now. Didn’t even realzied how much was sucked out of me

[Newbeginnings1234]

My Husband was the same when I left, letters, emails, presents, cards, hundreds of calls, messages and voicemails, turning up at my parent’s house looking for me. The first day he was angry, but after that he kept saying he was sorry, it was all his fault, he would let me do whatever I wanted if I went back etc. I didn’t reply to a single one, so he constantly messaged my family and friends for months and tried to get them to pass the messages to me. I had an email written out that I was going to send to him, but the police told me not to. But then when I tried to report him for harassment they said it wasn’t harassment because I hadn’t messaged him to tell him that the relationship was over (I thought it was obvious since I took my stuff with me, left my engagement ring behind, ignored all of his calls and messages and my family repeatedly told him I wasn’t coming back). As soon as I went to the police, all contact from him stopped, even though they didn’t do anything other than interview him. But now he’s trying to make the divorce as difficult as possible and is demanding large amounts of money from me, so obviously everything he said at the beginning was a lie, he just wanted to make himself look good (at first he kept telling me that he wanted to make the divorce process as easy as possible and would sign anything I wanted). KIP, I agree with the acting like everything is normal thing, my husband would frequently pause the video game he was playing to come upstairs and rape me, then go back downstairs and carry on playing and chatting to people online as if nothing had happened. Anyway, my point is. just because he’s acting like he wants to change and he’s sorry, doesn’t mean he actually is. The best thing to do is block him on everything and don’t reply to any messages because that’s what he wants you to do. Hopefully he’ll eventually get bored and give up x

[bartholomewcubbins]

That’s just devastating what you guys are describing… I’m sorry. I think I had the same episodes, but he was mostly emotionally unavailable and very very calm, so sometimes his behavior took me by surprise, but you know we try to forgive their flaws and say “he’s just like that” when it’s obvious from the 3rd person’s perspective that it’s far from healthy.
I can’t imagine the horrors of divorce you were having, I hope everything went as smooth and easy as possible eventually. It’s only when we feel like we’re letting go, they seem to come back to test us. I really believe in a spiritual testing there, because after all of this you feel cleansed. Like if you were dirty and unhappy and now you’re cleansing of all of the drama and harmful behavior inflicted on you.
Also, why are there so many gamers? It’s interesting.
Anyway, thanks a lot for sharing your own experience, I don’t feel alone anymore, thank you for that. There’s always a silver lining to this, which is our strength, knowledge and valuable experience.

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