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I split with my ex a few months ago. We have two children together, his contact with them has got less and less over time because of his behaviour. So, tonight he rings and says he wants to meet up (in public) to sort out the split and try and get things amicable. He sounds really genuine but I know he isn’t to be trusted. He’s very up and down but I’m so desperate for this to be true. I really need help with what to do and say. I know what I want – to be left in peace to get on with my life but I’m worried I’ll slip up and say something that gives him the edge. I want to remain in control of the conversation and not let him talk all over me, I want him to listen to what I’ve said, not what he thinkings I’ve said. He gaslights, he lies and he has/had a drug addiction.
Any advice?
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Thank you Healthyarchive, your ex sounds like mine. Very coercively controlling, backs me into a corner, lies, just throws so many things at me that I loose focus and struggle to think clearly. I end up not knowing what my original point was so I end up sitting quietly and listening to his endless monologue.
I’m so much stronger now though, I was hoping that would get me through? I thought if I wrote down some notes then I would have them to refer back to, like a business meeting almost. I know I’m strong enough to walk away if he becomes too controlling and I will never meet him face to face again.
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Thank you for your reply. It’s about money mostly, the property is mine but he wants a cut. Legally he’s entitled to nothing but I think I’m willing to pay him off to leave me alone. It’ll all have to go through a solicitor to make sure he doesn’t go back on any kind of agreement but if we could talk it through ourselves then it will save thousands in fees (which he hasn’t got which works in my favour)
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Hi Hun
Its just false hope we have that they might change but they dont. NO contact really does make u stronger and keeps u in control, im not sure if u are married and have finances to sort out, best to do through soliciotrs so u get what is due to u, this is how i am doing, i think nonce he said to me lets sit and sort out amicably, we ended upm arguing over phone so that confirmed for me has to be done through soliciotrs, u find even when u do meet up with them they make it about them and how they deserve another chance
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That’s the thing, I have everything. He spent, I saved. I bought the house before we were together and we never married.
I’m almost 100% sure he knows it’s over on my part, I think he’d still take me back though if I said but I would never go back. I haven’t missed him one bit since I made him go. No trauma bonding, no sympathy, no nothing. I just want my life to be my own. He can see the children as long as he behaves but I want nothing to do with him whatsoever.
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Mine was always wanting to meet to discuss things but only ever on his terms and it was never a discussion more of a lecture!
Finances and property need careful handling to protect you (but also possibly him) I’d advise get all info you can about whats in his name and whats in yours wages and debts etc and discuss with solicitor to get an idea of what you are “entitled to” and what he would be.
I met with my ex as it was the only way to get any beginnings of disclosure of his wealth and then my solicitor was able to work out what sort of split would be approved by court and then the information was shared. We went back and forth for months till he finally agreed -what he actually agreed was he had less than my solicitor had suggested initially he’d simply argued himself full circle at significant legal cost.
Meeting him was so hard he just talked me into a hole and tried to tell me what I had to do and I just had to keep saying I’ll discuss with my solicitor over and over again.
Another option would be to use a mediator if you can’t agree – but solicitor can advise.
If its amicable (!! ) maybe meeting woukd be ok but don’t under any circumstance agree anything defer everything to solicitor for safety sake.
Sorry I’ve rambled – hope you get my drift!! -
I would say do not meet him. No matter how strong you are he will leave you feeling drained. Any contact is toxic. Do not give him a penny. He will waste it. Keep it for your kids. Don’t feel sorry for him. He will just keep coming back for more money and more time. Don’t waste your money on a solicitor. If he wants to involve one then let him. You owe him nothing and if you part with your money, I promise you will regret it. You need to set boundaries now and stick to them. Access can be arranged in advance so you don’t have to have any contact with him.
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Thanks everyone. Wow, I’m a bit dumbstruck. This is a really bad idea isn’t it? I just don’t think I can stop myself from going, The lure of getting him to moving forward is too strong.
My intention was to be completely non-commital, say I would have to run everything past my solicitor and make no promises whatsoever. I have started writing notes to take so I don’t lose track and even if he confuses me, I’ll have them to bring me back from it. I will not be discussing the relationship at all. He genuinely thinks he did nothing wrong so there is no point. I know I won’t get an apology or remorse so I won’t be disappointed.
HA, yes they sound very similar. I didn’t get the silent treatment though, he’d keep me up all night to ‘talk it through’ (talk it through is code for talk until I agreed with him), by the early hours I’d refuse to talk any longer and go to bed – this was me being controlling. By the time I kicked him out, I thought I had gone crazy and had lost a grip on reality (his plan all along I guess) and had had a suicide attempt.
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LemonPie. This man drove you to a suicide attempt. Don’t meet him. You will never ever get closure from an abuser. You describe his past treatment and how he talks it through. You may have changed but he has not. I think it will really damage your mental health. There’s nothing you need from him that can’t be done by a third party. What if he doesn’t even turn up. How would you feel then. Abusers only want to get close enough to slap us again. They’re toxic x
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So you were all right. He cancelled last minute because I wouldn’t agree to where he wanted to meet. I’m done now, he had his chance to act properly. It’ll have to be no contact now for the foreseeable future.
Thanks for all your advice ladies, if it wasn’t for you all bringing me back down to earth, I would have felt very disappointed and let down by him cancelling. As it is, I feel empowered.
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