• This topic has 18 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by KIP..
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    • #124484
      Free petal
      Participant

      Hi I’m new to this forum and desperately need somessupport as I feel like I have no one to talk to about how I feel.I divorced my husband (detail removed by moderator) of physical and emotional he’ll. I had no strength when I left and he basically bought me out of house at a cheap price and I let him have everything.I am still renting as I wasn’t left with a lot. I have 3 children . (detail removed by moderator). My ex uses him constantly to get to me.he is alienating me from my son telling him horrible things about me so my son now will tell me he prefers daddy to me which is heartbreaking to hear .He never sticks to any childcare arrangements properly and (detail removed by moderator) I found some strength to get a solicitor involved . Papers were sent to him but he basically told me he wouldn’t be sticking to anything . I know the cost involved in going to court and I’m just mentally exhausted of the thought of fighting him. All I get is vile messages from him and I feel drained. I know I can’t carry on like this but I don’t know where to get strength from.

    • #124493
      Put the kettle on
      Participant

      Hi free petal, i completely understand how you feel, i could have written very similar to your situation. I have no advice as i feel the same way, drained and unsure how to stay strong. It’s horrible what they continue to put us and our children through and do what they can to contol us still. All i can offer understanding.

    • #124494
      Free petal
      Participant

      Hi put the kettle on thanks for replying. It is just such a horrible feeling of helplessness all the time. Can I ask have you got any child arrangements in place as this is where I’m struggling to know what is the best course of action. I feel d****d if I do and d****d if I donth.

    • #124497
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi please contact your local women’s aid for support. Definitely get child arrangements in place as he has the right to keep the children and not return them and seek to be resident parent. So get in there first. What he’s doing to your child is child abuse. Women’s aid can guide you on how to deal with this but meantime keep a journal and all the evidence you can. Abusive texts, etc. journal what your child says too. Absolutely zero contact too. Use a third party for all handovers and contact. Once you’ve established you’re the resident parent and if he doesn’t return them after that then involve the police. I know it’s horrific but putting things in place now will save you lots of pain in the long run. You may even have to refuse contact with the children if his abuse continues. You may want to also think about how he used coercive control to gain financially out of the divorce. I’d that’s something you can revisit with a solicitor. Do you qualify for legal aid?

    • #124498
      Free petal
      Participant

      Hi KIP thanks for your reply . Yes I have 3 notebooks full of notes all dated of events that have happened. I never thought of the fact he used my weakness to make sure I never got what I should have got in divorce as tbh I was so worn out I just left him my home ..the contents ..he doesn’t even pay csa as I have always backed down once any letter has been sent . I work full time so I’m not entitled to legal aid . I always thought after leaving things would eventually calm down and I would be free but it still continues.my daughters have no contact with him at all and it’s like he only has my son and wI’ll do whatever he can to spite me and ultimately as he has the nice house. .the expensive things eg ps4 it all is a hold on my son who loves being there and moans when he back with me . I am scared of cafcasss getting involved in court and my son telling them he prefers his dad’s and the court giving my ex full custody and I’m left totally lost. He will be sure then to make me give him csa that’s the pathetic low life he is . But I’m still scared

    • #124502
      KIP.
      Participant

      I totally understand that fear. But you have the knowledge now to gather a support network. To gather evidence. Talk to some solicitors. Most offer free initial advice. Get your local women’s aid involved. He will never change and the behaviour gets worse. Yes they are entitled arrogant selfish men but that’s their weakness. You need to slowly take back control. The things he does with his son are purely to spite and distress you. Remember he knows you well and will play on your weaknesses. So slowly set boundaries for you and your son. Use a third party because he gets his power from watching your distress so cut him out the loop. Get all your ducks in a row. Make sure you’re the resident parent. Access is set in stone and don’t deviate from it. That way you all know where you stand. Yes he will try to push those boundaries but you involve the police if he continues contact. You involve the Csa if you’re entitled to money from him. He will threaten all sorts just to keep you under his control. He’s got the house, contents, access, and still the abuse continues. Don’t make the mistake of thinking giving him what he wants will end his abuse. It just fuels him. What do you want? Go get it x make it happen x build that support team x it’s when we lose control that we flounder x your child is being emotionally abused by his father. Make sure when you contact women’s aid that they know all this x they’re a great source of knowledge for you x Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is a good book x
      Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Educate yourself x it empowered me.

    • #124518
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Hi Free Petal,

      Welcome to the forum, I can see you have just started posting.
      I can see KIP has already provided some good advice and information so I hope that is helpful to you.
      Just be mindful of not going into too much detail here when discussing court cases, or potential court cases as stated in The Forum’s FAQ’s. This is to protect you so do just read over the guidelines to be clear.
      As KIP suggested, do speak to your local domestic abuse service as a worker will be able to talk these concerns over with you in more detail. You can search for your local service here.
      Rights of Women are a voluntary organisation offering free, confidential legal advice on matters including family law, domestic abuse, children and child contact issues. Rights of Women are available on 0207 251 6577. They also have a website at http://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk .
      The Coram Children’s Legal Centre is a unique, independent national charity concerned with law and policy affecting children and young people. They offer legal advice and representation to children, their carers and professionals throughout the UK. They can be contacted on 0300 330 5480, 8am – 6pm, Mon – Fri. The Children’s Legal Centre has a website at http://childlawadvice.org.uk/ .
      You may also want to consider contacting Family Lives on 0808 800 2222, 24hrs. Family Lives is available Mon-Fri, 9am-9 pm, and 10am-3pm Sat & Sun. You can call about any family issue, big or small. You can send your question by email or you can chat online with one of the parent support workers.
      I hope you find the strength to get the help you need. Take care of yourself and do keep posting here to let us know how you are getting on.
      Lisa

    • #124546
      [email protected]
      Participant

      heres something that rings very true in many cases;

      -persuading the children that you are to blame for the separation.
      -having the children transmit messages to you.
      -pumping them for information about your current living situation,your finances,or your new partners.
      -returning them dirty,unfed,or emotionally distraught from visits.
      -frequently buying them presents or taking them on exspensive outings,to buy their affection and loyalty.
      -turning the children against you through verbal conditioning and manipulation.
      -undermining your parenting by making his home a place with no rules,structure,or safety precautions.
      -having specail toys or pets at his house that they cannot bring home, so they have to go to his house to enjoy them.
      -making the children feel sorry for him about the separation,such as telling them he crys when theyre not there,so they will feel obligated to spend more time with him.
      -taking them for visits and returning them late,or not returning them at all for days or even weeks.
      -not calling them or spending time with them at all, especially if he is angry at you about something.
      -not paying child support,underpaying,or paying late.
      -causing you and the children to become homeless by not contributing financially,by getting you evicted, or by forcing the sale of your home.
      -threatening all kinds of harm if you let your children to get to know your new partner.
      -destroying their relationships with therapist or other proffesionals through manipulation.
      -dragging you into court repeatedly regarding visitation.
      seeking custody of the children through court or threatening to do so.
      -kidnapping the children or threatening to do so.
      -abusing the children through visitation, especially when he is angry at you.
      -filing unwaranted child abuse reports.
      -promising to see the children then cancelling at the last minite,in an effort to control your schedule/free time.

      i could tick most of these examples, its helpful to see this in black and white- its liberating to see this is a pattern of behavior that is inherent

    • #124555
      Free petal
      Participant

      Thank you diymum for your reply it is so interesting to see all the examples there and to realise how many are exactly how he is. Another thing I failed to mention is that (removed by moderator) he bought my son a very cheap pay as u go phone. It doesn’t do anything apart from text messages and calls. At first I thought well at least it means he doesn’t have to call my phone in order to speak to our son. But it’s far worse. Now all communication is between him and my son. At night before bed they speak to say goodnight but I can hear most of conversation and that’s where my ex will say to our son. I will see u tom for dinner or I will take you to school. I’m then stuck as when I say no . My son gets completely upset and says he hates me . So I end up giving in. I’m now at a point where I think do I hide phone away . I don’t want to upset my son but surely this isn’t right. As I’m writing this I haven’t seen my son since Sunday as he hasn’t bought him back. I enjoy meshed him but he just starts all his abuse again.

    • #124556
      Free petal
      Participant

      Sorry my error it meant to say at end of my message. I have messaged him. Meaning I try to ask when he is bringing him back but I think he enjoys knowing it upsets me

    • #124557
      [email protected]
      Participant

      yep he is enjoying it. id explain to your son very slowly how his dads behaviour is wrong dont do it directly tho show him examples. it will sink in. ive been through contact issues too five years of it. i personally would take the sim card out and say the phone is broken? its a white lie but sometimes its best. this sounds like terrible advice but youll have to play ur ex at his own game. These calls will undermine your relationship with your son. this is his intention and this is what happens alot. there are ways around this and your going to need to take yourself out of the equation. so third party for communication and handover. keep your son well out of the situation of being the middle guy. its so destructive xx

    • #124558
      [email protected]
      Participant

      from here he will either get bored or file for court either way its better gettng some resolve. your away from him its your right not to have any contact especially when abuse is present xx btw keep all the messages

    • #124562
      Free petal
      Participant

      Some really good advice. Thanks so much xx. Yes I have all his vile messages and I’m just trying to think of who I can ask to be a third party in this to help.as I’m still close to his sister I would have asked her but I get the impression they are sick of the drama and won’t get involved .

    • #124564
      [email protected]
      Participant

      ask someone who is neutral that you trust. let him know that what your doing i did this i said its best as less drama as you say especially for the kids xx it was an old school friend that i asked i bought a pay as you go phone. your still offering a line of communication. call a contact centre to do the handovers. this was the pivatol thing that stopped my ex xx its a long storey i can share? my ex gave up when he coulnt get to me through our child. this is his goal to hurt you. so take that away ull see a big shift xx

      ive helped a friend fight her case we both won – it takes time

    • #124568
      Free petal
      Participant

      Thanks for all the advice. Very helpful . I wouldon’t like to know a little more about your story . What happened. What you went through as I beed the strength and knowledge now more than ever X

    • #124569
      Free petal
      Participant

      Meant to say I would like to know.

    • #124668
      Living Warrior
      Participant

      Hi hun, I totally understand all of what you are going through too.
      I had to stop contact due to him using it to control me further after I left.
      Read living with the dominator. I have put a thread on here ‘know the signs and characteristics.’
      I agree with all KIP has said.
      You need a prohibited steps order. Stating that the children live with u and he must return them after contact.

      Atm he has parental rights which means he can come at any point and take them and refuse to return them and the police can’t do anything until it goes to court.

      There are ways in which this can be done without giving him notice.
      Which means he won’t know you have applied until it is already in an order. Also a non molestation order which stops him from harassing and verbally abusing u etc.

      Family Court can put things in place for contact. Even to the point of giving him a day and time to call each week.. this way u can take ur sons phone and only turn it on when the call is due and turn off after.

      Take back ur control. The court orders help loads with this. As it sets out rules that police will prosecute if he breaks them. This again isn’t you prosecuting.. you would be a witness but it wouldn’t be YOu taking him to court if he f***s up.
      This will also help with the situation with your son… as you arnt to blame. 🙂

      I hope this helps.

    • #124686
      Free petal
      Participant

      Thank you living warrior for your reply it has really helped me today as has everyone else’s responses that I have been reading back. I haven’t seen my son since (detail removed by moderator) and I know he has to return him today as it’s school tomorrow but I have been feeling just as broken again as I did (detail removed by moderator) ago when I found the strength to leave him. I know ow I got to dig deep and do something now before I end up ill.I just can’t comprehend why after all this time he still won’t just play ball with what is very simple arrangements. But I’m not going to let him carry on abusing me . I got to now take control back which scares the hell out of me but now I got no choice but to do so

    • #124691
      KIP.
      Participant

      He won’t play ball because he much prefers his own game and his own rules. He wants to abuse you because it makes him feel good about himself. It means he regains control and he will use the children or finances or friends or anything that he chooses. Nothing is off limits. You’ve got time to prepare and get all your ducks in a row. You will have years of abuse from him if you continue to allow contact. So what you’re doing now will benefit you long term. Just make the boundaries and stick to them. You don’t have to put up with his abuse. Slowly cut him out the loop using third parties.

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