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    • #136535
      Nybie
      Participant

      Hi,

      This is my first post here. It’s been (detail removed by moderator) since I left my ex due to psychological abuse and coercion. I’m in the process with a solicitor for getting an emergency Non-Molestation order put in place against my (detail removed by moderator) sons father. I’m in the applying for Legal Aid stage.

      I received a message from his father at (detail removed by moderator) saying “(detail removed by moderator)”, I didn’t respond. At (detail removed by moderator) I got another message saying “(detail removed by moderator)”.

      How would you deal with this? I feel like if I respond, that will both be negative towards the non-molestation order and give him back control.

      On the other hand – as the non-molestation order ISN’T in place yet, he does have rights to know about how his son is? So could he use that against me?

      I made the decision due to how he treated me, and how he has treated previous partners over the last decade, that I do not want him in my son’s life, as that level of toxicity is not good for his development. My first step is the Non-Molestation Order, and then a Prohibited Steps Order/Family Court.

      I’m doing this all for my son, but I’m so scared that his father will manipulate the whole situation. And make me out to be the bad person. In the last (detail removed by moderator) he’s done the below:

      – Accused my Grandparents of committing (detail removed by moderator) against me.
      – Said I’m mentally unstable
      – Said I have (detail removed by moderator) – and will put my son in Danger.
      – Said I am Emotionally Abusive – not him (because he knew about my mental health struggles and manipulated me into breaking down).
      – Said my (detail removed by moderator) is a risk to our son.
      – Said I gave him (detail removed by moderator).
      – Said that the mess in the house – was an unsuitable living environment for our son.
      – Called Social services on Me saying our son was at great risk due to my Mental Health, because I asked him to (detail removed by moderator).
      – Said he was the only one who watched our son when I went back to work.

      Of all the above the actual truth is:
      – I shared something about (detail removed by moderator). He manipulated what I said to use it against me.
      – I have diagnosed (detail removed by moderator) this was made clear to all medical professionals throughout my pregnancy – and was never an issue.
      – (detail removed by moderator)
      – Before I was pregnant/early pregnancy we had an argument, (detail removed by moderator)
      – Due to depression, I wasn’t looking after myself. I’ll admit this, but neither was he. In the (detail removed by moderator) we were together, he NEVER cleaned his teeth, and (detail removed by moderator) during the time we dated.
      – He only witnessed me bath our son that many times, as I’d be the only one bathing him – and it would be while he was sleeping or working (when he did work – (detail removed by moderator) due to his attitude).
      – The mess in the house, was equal responsibility. (detail removed by moderator) Or he’d complain that I was disturbing his sleep. He’d also wait till I was feeling really unwell or rundown or tired from child care to suggest tidying, because he knew I’d struggle.
      – I asked him for the (detail removed by moderator)
      – When I went back to work on the (detail removed by moderator), he was off work for various excuses – then lost his job. At no pint when I returned to work did he have a job to attend. I would wake up early, feed our son, change him and try and make him go back to sleep (his dad expected him to sleep all day), I’d then leave the house at (detail removed by moderator). If he had been working, he would have started work at (detail removed by moderator). So I needed to be home before that. However since (detail removed by moderator). I’d then watch our son till I needed to sleep (he has slept all day). And he would then get annoyed at having to watch our son at night while he played video games. Because night was “my turn” – even though he was unemployed and I was working full time, and out the house (detail removed by moderator)… When he worked, he would (detail removed by moderator) – and nothing else, and the rest would be up to me because I was on Maternity Leave.

      Since I left – I’ve moved in with my parents and have made sure everything is perfect for my son:

      – I am back in therapy for (detail removed by moderator).
      – My son gets a bath every other night (unless more is needed).
      – He has his own room (before he slept (detail removed by moderator)).
      – The house is spotlessly clean.
      – He is well fed.
      – He goes out multiple times a week (he dad would never take him out because it was “stressful”).
      – He actually gets to play and learn and explore during the day (his dad kept him asleep in a cot, or wouldn’t let him crawl anywhere).
      – In (detail removed by moderator) He is a totally different baby!

      Will they look at my past when it comes to things (his past is worse; (detail removed by moderator)). Or will they look at everything I’ve done to better my sons life since I left?

      I’m just so scared I’ll lose him because his dad is a master manipulator.

      sorry for the long post – and thank you to anyone who replies.

    • #136537
      gettingtired
      Participant

      It sounds like you’ve done so well with your own mental health and your baby’s development since leaving your abuser so well done to you. He was not only abusing you but also his own child. It’s disturbing to think he wouldn’t even allow the baby out of it’s cot to explore.
      Anyway, I don’t have experience in dealing with authorities but it sounds like these threats of his need to be reported. He can’t demand you send him pictures and then threaten to call the police if you don’t respond to him, that’s completely ridiculous. I would keep a record of any threatening messages or contact from him and report it to the police.
      Are you being supported by women’s aid? Xx

      • #136543
        Nybie
        Participant

        I am being supported by them – they’ve been amazing and were the ones who helped me start the process for the non-molestation order.

        I’m keeping a record of everything for the solicitors to help build my case.

        I just find it tough because I’m a good person, and I know if he had taken our son (like he’d threatened to do multiple times) and not told me how he was – I’d be distraught. I keep having to remind myself, that his behaviour is to control me, not because he cares about his son.

        Thank you for the kind words. I’m not a perfect parent, but now I’m away from my ex I just want to be the best possible mum I can be for my son.

        It’s awful – when I was at work the only pictures I’d get were of (detail removed by moderator). Now we’ve left he hardly sleeps during the day (detail removed by moderator) – the rest of the time he’s playing and exploring. And he now sleeps through the night, because he’s actually using his energy up! The change in him has been amazing. xx

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