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Been out months. Kept minimal contact in order to sort out practical matters. Almost sorted with finances (still don’t trust he’ll not try to leave me with very little). Now he says he wants to meet me in person to discuss matters. I keep wondering what his motive is? I’d imagine he’s already hooked another woman but have no proof of that, I just know he’s never not had someone on the go. He knows I’ll never uproot my child again, so much water under the bridge. Maybe I’m being stupid but I don’t think he would physically hurt me. He would have too much to lose and while he’s grabbed me, threw things etc he has never seriously physically harmed me. I just don’t know what he hopes to achieve? It’s making me think maybe I should meet him once in a public place outside to finalise some practicalities but I also feel vulnerable xx
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I agree with Bettertimesahead, you’re so strong Hetty and you’re doing so amazingly well in your recovery. Is it worth the risk to yourself and your journey to meet him in person? Seeing him will be triggering and upsetting no matter how strong you are. If you’re feeling vulnerable I would keep him at arms length. His motive is to upset and unbalance you, like it always has been. He thrives on it. Dont give him the opportunity.
Trust your gut. He wants to meet- what do YOU want?xx
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Never ever do this. I’ve read too many stories on here and I can tell you how it will go. And it doesn’t end well for you. Do not give him back that power. You have done really well getting this far. A simple reply – absolutely not under any circumstances will I meet you in person. Then you get to see the real person he is. It’s another tactic to either hook you back or to humiliate blame discard abuse to make him feel better about his own hurt ego and you’re left on the floor emotionally again.
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I’d be suspicious. Maybe to him meeting seems perfectly reasonable but he hasn’t been on the end of the abuse. Has he said why he thinks you need to meet up and why it can’t be dealt with the way you normally communicate?
Even if it is innocent, you have every right to are on the side of caution and protect yourself from any backwards steps it could cause. I like Hawthorn’s comment: what do YOU want? Xxxx
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Thanks so much to you all for support. He’s made some major financial decisions without me and claims it was because he didn’t know my plans and was no contact. I hadn’t blocked him though so that’s no excuse! I know this is not true and only his interests have been his focus. I have had to seek urgent legal action. Anyway, he says he wants to meet to explain and to talk through issues post separation. He doesn’t yet know I’ve taken legal action but is aware I would be doing this. Maybe he thinks he can sweet talk me into giving in to demands. Also saying can go through a third party of necessary.
Thing is more than anything I do want to see him but I know it’s the trauma bond. I know it’ll hurt me badly so why the hell am I even.contemplating his. It’s like I know in the next six months everything is going to be done and he’ll be gone. I want it and I don’t. It’s such a strange feeling when I’ve been so strong. Adobe said in previous posts it’s like when I gave up smoking. You decide after feeling poorly, that’s it. Then as you start to get your health back you start to think just one won’t do any harm. I feel ill with stress. Back in my head 😢 -
Hetty, take a step back from all this when it gets too much. You don’t have to dance to his tune anymore. Big step back, hit the pause button, gather your head together so you’re acting with your head and not your heart and feelings. There’s absolutely nothing in this world worth meeting this man face to face. I know that bond is there but picture this, you see him, you’re overwhelmed with feelings and emotions, you begin to wonder if you’ve made a mistake, is it worth being friends, parting on friendly terms, he seems so nice again, did I imagine the abuse, maybe he’s changed, your heart opens a little and he reaches out, takes your heart, drops it on the floor, stomps on it a few times and walks off laughing. He only wants to get near you now to hurt you. The temporary pain of here and now will pass. It’s like a heroine addiction. Going back for one more fix never works. You’re stronger than this. You cannot part on friendly terms. Ask yourself the real reason you’re considering this meeting? You don’t get closure from an abuser. You’re the only one who can give yourself closure x
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I know this is tough. I’ve been free for years and I often wonder if I’d be strong enough if he reached out now (like lots of abusers do) after many years. Just to see if they can get a fix from hurting us. Sometimes I think I might be tempted, that I feel strong enough to face hind, but mostly I think I wouldn’t waste my time. He’s simply not worth it.
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KIP is right (I’m always writing that 😁), seeing him is not worth it. It’s like just one more cigarette, just one more drink, just one more slice of cake… It’s never that simple when there’s an addiction like a trauma bond. Have you heard it said that addiction starts and ends with pain? You’re in pain now and the want for the fix is trying to convince you it’ll make it better, but afterwards the pain will be back and even worse. I can imagine how tempting it feels but just like any addiction/food binge it’s just an illusion. It won’t bring the peace/love/safety you really crave. You’ll never find that by looking to him because he has just disguised himself as those things. He is really the cause of pain.
We’re like those poor people who are intentionally given addictive drugs then are used to do things in return for the drug and hooked in that endless cycle. You know you don’t need the drug for survival. Don’t get hooked again. Tolerating the discomfort now will be well worth being free of him. Tell yourself “I know this hurts but I choose to do what’s best for me and my children. Freedom feels better than the illusion of love and safety.”
You had the strength to leave and You have the strength to stay away. You can do this. Sending strength x*x
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I think it’s years of programming and brainwashing. The habit of making sure he’s okay so we don’t get abused. Those days are gone now. The worst thing you can do to an abuser is ignore him. Cut him out your life. It’s us having the final say, letting him know we know his game and he’s not worthy to be in our lives. It drives them crazy. So you keep the final word – Your silence. And the find discard. Your silence and indifference x
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