Examples of feeling controlled after the relationship ends

[Healthyarchive]

Hello,please can anybody give any examples of feeling controlled after the relationship ends and you have no contact with each other on both sides. We split(detail removed by moderator) months ago,there has been NC on both sides. I continue to think about him a lot, sometimes obsessively,& feel that I really miss him & love him. At the same time I am fairly sure that it would take a miracle for me to consider getting back with him if the opportunity was there. I ended it as I felt that he was a lousy partner, controlling and made me feel miserable and small most of the time.I want to make sense of my feelings now,I have never had these strong missing & obsessing about anybody before, I am not convinced it was he was Mr Wonderful.

[Whathaveidone]

Healthyarchive, I’ve had no contact (both sides) for a shorter period of time than you but I still feel controlled by him. I keep thinking about what he might be doing, what he might think of me, what mood he might be in, will he come and hurt me after the investigation is over? I used to do this when we were in a relationship aswell to prevent him from having a verbal outburt. For days in a row, I’ve had nightmares of him hurting me and my family and in those nightmares I feel the same as when I’m awake.

I have so much freedom now I don’t really know what to do with myself sometimes because when I was with him I had to ask for his permission to do anything. Now that I don’t have to, sometimes I think “what would he say if I did this” before making a decision but I’m training myself to listen to MY inner voice, not his.

I sometimes wonder if the abuse was even that bad so this makes me feel guilty but I know when I was with him, the emotion and sexual abuse was so bad, I felt so suffocated and at points suicidal so I have to remind myself that I can never doubt the abuse. I think my mind is actively trying to blank it out.

I think I love him but am not in love with him anymore. I thought the love was reciprocal but he was so controlling I now don’t think he loved me the same way I loved him. It was all just manipulation and tactics to try and monitor me and how I was feeling all the time that’s why he always told me that we should be honest with other. I was but obviously was not.. Lots of empty promises.

Even picking basic things like what clothes to wear or styling my hair and walking outside, I feel like he is watching me and I m trying adjust to wearing what I WANT to wear without thinking about his opinion of me.

However having said all of this, there is NO WAY I would get back with him. I’m too scared and with what I know now, I just want him as far away from me as possible.

[Healthyarchive]

WhathaveIdone, thank you so much for your reply, it helps tremendously to verbalise what is in your head & then get other womens views. I do believe if he were acting another way now i.e making contact with me & hinting or asking me to get back together, I would be unlikely to consider it, i knew in my heart his actions were no good that is why I ended it. I think that I am just struggling with the total silence & break in all contact. As mad as it sounds I think that I would have preferred being harassed than what I have got,his walking away. Maybe I am being selfish & unfair, expecting someone I dumped to run after me. If I am being unfair & unreasonable I would take that on the chin & deal with it.I just cannot understand my feelings, I never had such grieving & remorse with any other partner. Quite honestly he was a pretty s***type partner & i,m reasonably sure I would not want to get back together so my feelings of deep sadness & loss are so confusing. I remember my dating days from years ago,if I did not like someone I would end it,we would both walk away & that would have been the end of it,none of this severe yearning. I wonder if it is some control from him, he loved to punish me with silence when we were together & he was very controlling generally.

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

When we were in abusive realtionship we dont realize how much control they take over our mind, so when we leave them our brain starts askign us whats missing, something doesnt feel right, we actually miss the abuse because they becomne a drug that we get attached to even though it was so unhealthy. Take this time to deattach yourself from ex, we actually have to wean ourselves of them because they were toxic drug. The stage u r goinng through is called trauma bonding, this man was so bad to u, but cause we loved them we cant work out what is happening to us, we know what they did was wrong but cause they train our brain to minimise their behaviour and make us think it was normal we are thrown back that actually it was wrong

[Healthyarchive]

Thank you for your feedback Confused. I am in a good position as I am creating a life for me which is full & very exciting. I want to live to an old age full of health & vitality, plus despite my yearning & sadness I have no strong urge to make contact with him or anybody that he knows.I blocked them all from contacting me so I guess that is good too. X*X

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