7th January 2019 at 4:32 pm #70233
New here, and feel like I’m exhausted before even starting!
So, I know I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship. Lies, name calling, belittling me. Goes through my phone. Has put me in thousands of pounds worth of debt. Says he doesn’t stop me seeing people, but kicks up such a fuss if I try to, so it’s easier not to. If i do go out, he will call/text me constantly whilst out, or do the complete opposite and sulk whilst I’m out so when I get back I feel bad. It started getting worse with pushing and (as he says) ‘tapping’. Obviously in his mind, none of that matters because he doesn’t hurt, so I’m being pathetic making a deal out of it. But I left (detail removed by Moderator), knowing I was doing the right thing. As soon as I left, it was message after message, and endless phone calls. He was sorry, then it was all my fault, then he was sorry, then I was the worst person around, then he was sorry again. It went round and round. Then he was threatening killing himself because I had taken everything away from him (detail removed by Moderator). Long and short of it is, I stupidly went back because all of that guilt was worse than his temper most of the time. He promised me it would all be different – obviously a lie!
Now it’s worse. We are currently living at his mum’s, with our baby. He treats his mum just as bad. I have spoken to her, but she is convinced appeasing him and letting him get away with everything is best. She now wants us to go to the council to get our own place. I have told her I am not prepared to move out with him, because, if I’m honest, I don’t trust his temper if we were in a house alone! She won’t leave me alone. Every chance she gets, she is telling me I have to apply to the council. She knows it will probably get worse, and with our baby I refuse to let that happen, but she is just desperate to get him out of her house now. Putting herself before my baby just angers me.
I have no idea what to do!
I know I need to leave. But I can’t handle the guilt of taking everything away from him, even though it’s his fault that we are in this situation. I know I need to leave, but I don’t know how to, and I can’t just wait for an opportunity like I did before – there isn’t time with the way his mum is going!
I wake up exhausted before the day starts. I need to do something and I’m just too tired to make that first step.
7th January 2019 at 5:08 pm #70236KIP.Participant
Contact women’s aid and get a place in a refuge meantime or at least get them to help with housing. There’s help out there and support. You need to reach out. He is not your responsibility. You need to trust your gut and keep you and baby safe. It’s a fact that abuse often escalates after child birth. When he’s not getting your full attention. Even his mum wants rid of him. Don’t get dragged back into this relationship. You’re not taking everything away from him. He gave up any rights he had the moment he became abusive. Save yourself before he destroys your mental health too. You need to be strong for your baby x
7th January 2019 at 5:21 pm #70238
Hi there and welcome to the forum. You are not taking anything away from him in any way. He’s making you look at a life without him in it for the safety of yourself and your baby. His own mum wants him gone, but he’s neither of your responsibility. He’s abusing her as much as you and inevitably your baby.
Definately contact WA or if you cant get thru try your local one. They can offer refuge or a safe house if one is available. His mum is not your responsibility either but you’re child is. You can do this, you left before returned because of how guilty it made you feel. Time to put your child and yourself first, cos thats ehat he’s doing. Her eont commit suicide, that’s a ploy to keep you. If he threatens again contact police or phone an ambulance, as a caring partner your caring for his mental health. It’s factual evidence he’s unstable and not good to be around. You can do this again.
7th January 2019 at 6:09 pm #70246
It’s exhausting, and with anxiety over phone calls, calling is quite difficult. But I think it is something I will have to do! Thanks for the advice. It’s so nice being able to open up at last – takes a little weight off!
Thank you both for your advice!
7th January 2019 at 6:35 pm #70249
Any time my friend, someone is always here for each and every one of us.
7th January 2019 at 8:45 pm #70260AnabelaParticipant
I know very well how you are feeling. It brings such a huge anxiety when you know you have to leave, you want to leave but you are paralized to do that. And of course that stupid feeling of guilt or pity for him gets in a way. Mine always used suicide to the point that once I was made to believe he was dead. And I understand the fear of phone conversations. I can relate to all of that. But there is a way out and you were given some wonderful advice already. Your child is the most important and he deserves a proper childhood free of abuse. I think it took me a couple years to ring woman’s aid. The first year I memorized their phone number. 1,5 year later I made the first call but felt my story is too long and complicated and I did not know where to start so I just mumbled a few sentences. And a few months later when I was making a decision to move in with in again or not I made a proper call and I felt it was useful for me. So please make that call. At least they can talk you through your options and it is good to talk out loud with an outsider. Hugs xx
7th January 2019 at 9:10 pm #70266
It’s such a strange feeling worrying about phoning someone. I believe it’s because when we do and start talking more and more, that’s when s..t gets real as they say. You’ll do it in your own time, WA will never push you to do anything you don’t want to or aren’t ready to do, everything is at your pace. Good luck and sending strength to you.
8th January 2019 at 7:03 am #70292
Oh my, Anabela, that couldn’t be more accurate! And the feeling of everything being too long and complicated, and I know full well I will just mumble and stutter around the points only giving a few sentences. Either that or I will waffle too much, haha! It’s comforting to know I can call them for what may feel like a pointless phone call at first, to gain confidence if nothing else! Thank you.
Oh absolutely IWMB. Say it out loud and there’s no going back. I think that’s part of the anxiety. No more denying it. No more pretending everything is fine to the world.
This forum was the best decision I’ve made so far.
Love and strength to you all 💕
And thank you, all
8th January 2019 at 6:05 pm #70338she-raParticipant
Agree with the ladies, speaking as a mummy who wishes her babies hadn’t had this in their lives, go while your little one is young. I completely understand the phone call anxiety it too me a long time to call, and each time I drip fed bits and pieces to scared to say it all. It’s not really real if we don’t say it out loud is it?!! WA were fab as were the ladies on here. Just give u information and then up to you what you do, no pressure. A solicitor did tell me that if you are fleeing domestic abuse you can go to the council and they have to house you. Good luck my lovely xx
8th January 2019 at 6:32 pm #70339
As much as I know how horrible anxiety is, it’s so comforting knowing that I’m not the only one struggling to make that phone call!
I really appreciate a mummy-point-of-view, thank you she-ra.
Exactly that – I can still hold onto that little part of me that wants to believe it’s not real still.
Oh really?? That’s handy to know, about the council! Maybe I should play his mum’s game: she wants me to go to the council, so maybe I should, and tell them i need a place for just me and my baby because we need to escape the abuse. If they have to help, that may be a good way to go about it! Get her off my back for a little bit too!
Thank you so much, she-ra.
I just keep thinking, it would be so nice if someone with authority could tell him he is abusive. For as long as I try to point out everything is wrong, him and his whole family convince me it’s not that bad. Even (detail removed by moderator) Why does she apologise for him, and try to make me believe I should be putting up with it??!
8th January 2019 at 6:34 pm #70340
I agree with she-ra, the lady at the council said if I had to leave quickly before a house was available for me, they’d give me emergency housing. I’ve been in one before they’re lovely, self contained, furnished. somewhere safe to be in while you breathe and save up for you’re own place and away from all the madness.
8th January 2019 at 6:47 pm #70341
That sounds perfect right now! ‘Away from all the madness’ is exactly what I want
9th January 2019 at 5:15 am #70370she-raParticipant
Exactly, it might just give you some head space to think. When you’re dealing with abuse it just feels like there’s never anytime to really process it. Especially when you have a little one. I know what you mean about the family, my husbands family all walk on egg shells around him, to the point they even tell my children to just do what he’s says so we don’t upset him. So very very sad. They make excuses and say it’s just how he is. I think they’re just glad they don’t have to live it! It only gets worse my lovely I’m very sad to say. The more you start to seek help the more real it becomes and the more you realise it’s just not ok, it will never be ok. Keep posting and getting your information from all sources. First few times I phoned I left an answerphone message for a call back, helped me feel more in control as when they phoned back I could choose if I answered or not. I did answer and they were lovely. Good luck x*x
9th January 2019 at 5:45 am #70371StarandlittlestarParticipant
I completely agree with everything the ladies have said on here.
I have got my partner to move out and gradually the exhaustion that you speak of, the feeling tired before the day even begins, the lack of time to properly process what has been happening – that all changes.
I have time to myself when my kids are in bed, I sleep better because I haven’t got the emotional abuse all the time. And best of all – I’m enjoying my kids again. When things were at their worst, the kids were pretty much just another chore, something for me to deal with. Now I can actually interact and have fun with them again, on my terms. Nobody watching, listening, judging, wanting me to give him attention instead of them.
I know it is a massive (and very difficult) step but if you do it, within a few days you will feel more like yourself and more rested and capable than you have for ages.
Also, getting out while your baby is small – I think that is absolutely the best thing. The baby will never have to witness the dynamic between you. My little one is very young and to them life with just me (with a bit of contact with their father) is totally normal.
Be strong. It is worth it for your baby.
9th January 2019 at 4:59 pm #70398
You’re all putting everything into words so much better for me! It’s exactly that – no time to process the abuse, because if he’s not around, all my attention is on the little one instead.
And yes, my partner’s family only care that they have to put up with it themselves. Push it onto someone else and they could quite happily move on and tell us it’s ‘just how he is’ and to appease him.
The answerphone is a nice way to look at it though. It’s in my control if I want to talk at that point…I like that.
I don’t suppose you could give me an idea how the phone call goes? I’m worried I’ll answer, and then it’ll be all on me to make conversation – I’ll just go blank and it’ll be an awkward silent phone call, haha!
Oh my, I dream of that, starandlittlestar. I would love to just, enjoy time with my baby, without constantly being watched over or begged for attention.
Did it really only take a few days for you to feel the difference??
Thank you all, so much 💕💕
9th January 2019 at 6:24 pm #70405
Hi ST, you can say as much or as little as you need to or are able to. The thing to know is no matter what you say you’re believed unconditionally. That means so much to us. I know when I went to my doctor it was the hardest thing to say, the words literally wouldn’t come out and when they did it was in a whisper. I dont whisper now, I’m telling complete strangers about abuse how widespread it is where help is how to be there for the friend they no longer see. It’s such an important part of my life and probably will be till the day I die now. I hope i can help in a real way once I’m free but I’ll do what i can in the meantime.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, knowledge is power and you have a secret weapon now…US
Big hugs to you and your wee baby
9th January 2019 at 6:38 pm #70409
Thank you so much, IWMB. It is definitely comforting to know that I can tell them something, without them assuming I’m blowing things out of proportion – thank you.
That’s brilliant! I’m both so happy for you, and proud of you. I can’t believe how little i had heard about abuse, until I realised what was going on around me and I found this. It is definitely something that people need to be made aware of much more. I would love to be able to help people when I’m free, as well. It is not something I would ever wish on anyone.
That’s such a lovely way to put it! 💕 This forum is every lady’s secret weapon, and I love that!
Thank you so much 💕💕
I’m hoping tomorrow may be the day I try to make my first phone call… gotta try to wake up with the right mindset! Thank you all for giving me the strength to get me even this far 💕💕
9th January 2019 at 6:55 pm #70412
You’ll make that call when you’re ready, it’s such a big step to take, it’s us admitting to ourselves that we are being abused and by telling others it’s making that knowledge a reality.speaking to WA, doesn’t mean you’ve to end it within a certain amount of time, everything, and I mean everything is at your pace. I wish I could just say, I’ve had enough to my husband, you’re right I dont love you anymore and I want a divorce but the words stick in my throat. I really don’t love him, he’s killed all of that the first time he attacked me, which was over a decade ago. The verbal abuse and manipulation had been going on longer, but it was that first hit that totally broke us and on reflection shattered our relationship for ever. I’ve only admitted a few months ago to myself I’m being abused but have been looking online fir a few years as to why he is the way he is. I never thought fir one minute to leave or contact the police, I know now I can and will if I have to.
Love and strength My friend
9th January 2019 at 7:21 pm #70414
I’m in a weird situation in my head at the moment – I know he is abusive. I can admit he is abusive. But I feel like when I admit that, I’m the one letting him down. I know full well I’m not in the wrong, but, I feel so guilty about hurting him in the process of leaving. It would be nice if I could be as heartless as him when it comes to other people’s emotions!
I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through, and for how long! I really admire your strength.
I’m in the same boat. I’ve spent the last few months wishing I could just tell him I don’t love him any more. I tell him all the time that I do, because it keeps him happy. I fear his reaction. I fear the life after, knowing how difficult he would make it. I fear all the guilt he would put on me for ‘ruining our family’. He knows exactly how to keep a hold on me. I can’t love him anymore, because of how he’s made me feel and what he’s done. But I can’t stop caring about him. It sucks!
It was only through speaking to a lady in the village who went through something similar recently, that I found out you can speak to the police even if there’s no physical abuse!
The more you open up, the more gateways you find 💕
9th January 2019 at 8:34 pm #70418
That’s it, the more you open up the more gateways open.💜 I liken it to the genie being out the bottle.
I no longer tell my husband I love him, instead, it’s of course I do or what do you think. Fir years I’ve been told, you only think you do, so you say, EVERY time i said I love you. He only says I love u you when we have sex(which is as few and far between as i can get away with)he no longer says it now either unless its after we’ve had a set to. Or he’ll say I’ve missed this,(sex) i love being inside u but not i love you. Being spurned by someone you absolutely adored is soul destroying, it no longer hurts now, just makes me sad that he had so much and has wasted it.
9th January 2019 at 9:03 pm #70425
Oh wow. My partner is the complete opposite. I get ‘I love you’ pretty much any time there is silence for more than 10 minutes between us. Can tell there’s no emotion behind it though. I get the ‘promise we are together forever’ at least 20 times a day, too. Drives me mental. Don’t even see the point when he has no emotion behind it.
Yeah, I agree with you there. Nothing hurts anymore. It’s just infuriating that I gave him everything, and he had more in his life with me than ever before. He even had a bright future. Then this behaviour started, and he’s going to lose it all, the second I make that step to leave forever.
Nothing makes any sense! They throw so much away, and for what? The chance to feel like a big powerful man for a while?
9th January 2019 at 9:03 pm #70426StarandlittlestarParticipant
Yes, literally only a few days. I could cope with life again because I had time to myself and didn’t have to pander to him or keep him happy.
Don’t get me wrong, he is still around and in contact and begging me to change my mind, sending all sorts of manipulative messages etc., but it is easier to ignore those because he isn’t in the house.
I have to endure the ‘sorry for himself’ routine at every handover of the kids, which naturally makes me feel guilty, but if you can learn to harden yourself to that, you do feel like your life is more under your own control.
When I file for divorce, he will step it up, but for now things are relatively peaceful.
However, as has been said above, you can only do it at your own pace. It took me a long time to realise what was going on, even longer to accept it – and longer still to do something about it.
IWMB, you make such a good point. The men in our lives have such a good thing, if only they could realise that and treat us with respect and equality. But they waste it and break us and destroy us till we have pretty much nothing left to give. It makes me angry that so many men behave this way and take advantage of our kindness and empathy and our support.
I view all men now as dangerous, which is probably very unfair to men!
9th January 2019 at 9:13 pm #70428
Starandlittlestar, that’s really good! I’m so happy for you that you’ve managed to harden yourself to his manipulation. I’m also really happy to hear that it’s possible to get to the stage you are at now, so thank you for that too 💕
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