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    • #75459
      DamagedGoods
      Participant

      I’m new here. I need to talk to other people who understand me, Mrs Messed-Up.

      I don’t trust a living soul.
      I don’t get excited about anything cos I don’t want the disappointment.
      I expect nothing from life.

      WHY? A violent alcoholic bully for a father who beat me up. A mentally weak alcoholic for a mother who couldn’t protect me. An aggressive insecure cruel bully for a husband who tore my soul and spirit apart. I didn’t have much chance!

      At (detail removed by moderator) I started suffering from major depression, mood disorder, and anxiety. But, I kept it all to myself, I didn’t want anyone to have to deal with my problems. Twice, I overdosed on over-the-counter medicines (I’ve never taken drugs – I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle them). Stomach pumping is not pleasant. I’ve been anorexic, then bulimic. I’ve eaten myself up to a size 22. I’ve self-harmed – not the glamourised goth emo version that’s so cool right now – just picking to feel the pain then see the blood, over and over again. You know you’re messed up when you’d rather take a violent beating, than be mentally screwed with. I’ve had a mental breakdown – my mind just stopped working, it was a fuzz, like your PC hard drive crashing….my brain turned to moosh. That’s when my ex swooped in like a vulture and got custody of our children, even though He’d caused it. He took photos of me during my glorious meltdown (I was curled up like a foetus in a corner on the floor, screaming, then gasping for breath…) and blackmailed me into signing.

      So yeah I’m messed up inside.

      BUT, I HAD to drag myself out the bed every day to go to work, HAD to be there for my children, HAD to do the shopping, HAD to do the housework……because I lived in a country where there were no benefits. No work, no pay, no house, no food. My ex would barge in to the bedroom, grab the covers and throw them off, calling me pathetic, useless, barking for me to get up….) He demanded I paid 50% of all household expenditure, and didn’t give a s**t that I couldn’t earn as much as him. I didn’t have the luxury of being booked off because of my ”condition”. Anyway if I had had this, it would’ve done my kids NO good to have a mum lying in a bed.

      Now the children are grown up and I’m divorced from the bully. I am b****y exhausted from holding it together. I am so resentful – of happy families, of men who touch their woman’s hand or hair, of women who are free to ‘mother’ their children with hugs and kisses, of slim young self-confident women dressed for their business day, of adults who speak fondly of their childhood. The tears are very close to the surface. I just want to sleep.

      BUT I’ve been given a lifeline……I’ve been blessed with a good man, with whom I have a gorgeous little love child and we have a lovely life in a pretty country village. So now you’ll think, well W*F is wrong with you?

      Well, it seems I’m really good at self-sabotage. Every day I’m waiting for it all to be taken away, for it all to go wrong. It’s exhausting trying to appear normal. PLUS my ex is still manipulating my older children – but not for much longer – they’re getting much better at standing up to him. I just desperately wish they could break free from him. I get messages at random times with them telling me they can’t take it any more, that he’s so controlling and selfish and unreasonable….and I feel terrible that I’m not physically there to help them – I feel such guilt because I was unable to stand up to him for many years (I have now stood up to him and told him his fortune!). But that means, he’s losing control of the people he’s been able to control for so very long. He freaks out when he can’t control things. I have a terrible anxious feeling about HIM losing his s**t and it hurting my children.

      So so so tired………….

    • #75461
      KIP.
      Participant

      Wow. What an incredible post. What an incredible woman you are to get through all that. I wonder if you and/or your children have had any counselling? That might be a good place to start. Keep encouraging your children that they have every right to go zero contact with any abusive person in their life, even if it is their father. He is not their responsibility. Encourage them to learn all they can about abusers and the tactics they use. To read about n**********c people. Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven is a good start and there are other books available too. It’s only natural to worry about your children but it might just be that they’re more in control than you think. Abusers don’t always fool and bully others they way they did to ourselves. Dont blame yourself for anything you did while in survivor mode. Now that the playing field is more even, time to take the gloves off? X ✊️

    • #75477
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      I am in utter awe of you. To have put up with all that and still be here, that’s testimony to how strong you are. No wonder you are exhausted, living with and after abuse is exhausting. Time to look after you for now I think. Ask your gp to organise someone to speak to, they you’re trying to make sense of everything. You’ll be seen by a psychologist who’ll assess what type of therapy would best suit your needs. Each are is different, some have quicker waiting times than others. Im syill shaking my head at how you have survived all this, you are an amazing woman. Welcone to the forum too. This is a safe place to talk to people who know exactly what you’re trying to say even when you can’t find the words. Good bless you, and keep you safe. I’m so happy to hear you have a lovely man and beautiful child conceived and brought up in love.
      Love and light IWMB 💕💕

    • #75483
      fizzylem
      Participant

      Hello DG, gosh! You’ve been through the mill girl! Can you get private therapy? It might be an idea to make a long term committment to a psychotherapist that specialises in trauma and domestic abuse, so that you can one day feel free of this, feel at peace. If you do, go to the BACP website and read the how to choose the right therapist guidance as this is very helpful, their are questions you need to know that you will need to ask. I’d always suggest seeing 3 for an introduction session first, so you get a comparisson to work with, by doing this you also come to know what it is you are looking for.

      As sad as it is for your children, it is about them taking a stand against him now; and you supporting them with this when you feel able.

      Sadly yes, the n********t often dies alone – as these were the seeds sown. No one can tolerate their behaviour and selfishness – children leave them too for self preservation, some do this temporarily while they heal and others make it a permanent thing. Agree with above, encourage them to speak up and that it’s ok to cut contact and do what they need to do – to give themselves what they need first and foremost – as this is essential.

      Take one day at a time DG, get the support you need, gain the self awareness you need, work on feeling good about yourself / ok to be you; read up on ‘self care’, try to do 3 things a day that meet your needs, where you take care of you. Learn to listen to what it is you need and give this to yourself.

      Youve clearly been doing what you needed to do to get through, time now to give yourself what you need and process it all, to really free yourself from it and to stop it impacting negatively on the present. You can do this. It will be ok. FL.x

    • #75490
      EbonyRaven
      Participant

      No wonder you’re feeling exhausted, and feeling the good things could be snatched away from you. You’ve been through so much.
      Yet through that shines a great core strength from you, amazing. You are still in communication with your children, who come to you to talk, and who still tell you how they are feeling. That is an amazing achievement.

      Time to share the load and accept some help to unload much of what you’re carrying around. There’s no shame in that, it is another strength and will help you to keep supporting your children, and keep enjoying your lovely new family too.

    • #75545
      DamagedGoods
      Participant

      I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to answer me. I agree that I need therapy, I want to be there for all my kids, I don’t want to be a pain in the arse to them. I don’t want my new man to become tired of my baggage… I actually tried through NHS but reached a dead end. Maybe I’ll try again, and also look at the places you spoke of.
      THANK YOU, from
      the bottom of my heart.

    • #75554
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Good morning DG, this forum has been a godsend for me, I hope I’ll be able to deal with the aftermath when I leave. You’ve shown us it can be done(leaving), but it’s the aftermath that is so unrecognised by professionals and society isn’t it?
      You sound like an incredibly strong woman, don’t be too hard on yourself. Opening up to others is very very difficult after having lived with abuse. It toughen us up in ways we would never be. I’m still with my oh, but I’m finding im extremely intolerant of badly behaved people now. Before I’d have made excuses, now I know there are no excuses for bad behaviour, unless it’s in a young child and that’s because they are learning how to behave by watching those closest to them.
      It was lovely to read that your older children are still in contact with you, but remember you can’t fix things for them, they are the only ones who can do that. It’s like putting the oxygen mask on you first before reaching to put one on those you love. They know what he’s like and one day they will leave him and have nothing to do with him. Karma always has a way.
      Love and light
      IWMB 💕💕

    • #76606
      DamagedGoods
      Participant

      I hope you are okay IWMB.

      I’m glad you are seeing the light – understanding that folk just canny behave like lunatics & get away with it. There should be consequences for actions. Everyone is equally as important as everyone else. (I sound confident now, but for years I was scared and squashed and empty and controlled – I’d watched my dad do it ma mum, and then I took it from my man).

      I just wanna run around now telling all women stuck with bully husbands that it really is possible, you can get out!

      I wish you all of the best

    • #76609
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear DamagedGoods

      You are beautiful and lovable. You have been surviving all your life till now, and its normal to be left feeling this way.

      It will take time, and patience, on your part to be kind to yourself as you embark upon your recovery with love.

      You have been able to trust someone at least enough to let them into your life. The closeness of the next level of trust is understandably going to be hard. Wth kindness and patience you will overcome. Gently and with smal steps.

      Your children know you are there for them, they have your love and validation of their experiences.

      I hope you can find a good support for your recovery at your own pace.

      Warmest wishes
      TS

    • #76619
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      DG, it’s amazing you’re still here. I can’t add anything to what the others have said, but just wanted to send you some virtual love x

    • #76639

      from me too, just catching up with this thread.
      maybe useful to google mothers apart from their children…

      agree, and is validated by mhy onw experience the aftermath often unrecognised…

      all best
      ftc
      x

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