Exit planning advice please

[ISOPeace]

Hi everyone. I spoke to my local women’s aid, who said they’d help with an exit plan, but they said they’d send me some info, which was just a link to the women’s aid website. I did talk to them about my plan so maybe they didn’t think I needed more help. I should have asked but I thought they were going to send me more useful info.

Does anyone have any advice about what to think about? I’ve thought about: when (when he’s at work), where I’ll go (initially somewhere he won’t expect in case he kicks off), what to take, how I’ll tell him.

Thanks xxxx

[KIP.]

Take everything you can because once you leave it’s unlikely he will allow you to collect anything else. Paperwork, passport, bank statements etc. Details of household bills that you want to take your name off so you’ll want to have those details handy to make the calls or emails. Think of any hooks that will still be there. Your aim is to give I’m zero excuse to contact you. If there are mortgages or children or other legal issues then make sure you’ve had some legal advice. As for a safe exit plan, if you can have someone there to help you pack just in case he turns up. Have new mobile number ready and new email address. If you think he may physically harm you then please let the police know so they are forewarned and can come quickly should he find you. Tell as few people as you can because he will be putting pressure on mutual friends and family to contact you. Tell him nothing until you’re safe. Any contact is toxic so I’d send a basic message saying you left because of the abuse and if it continues and he tries to contact you, you will have to involve the police.
This message is important because no doubt he will try to contact you anyway and if it gets out of hand you have this message to use with the police. Don’t respond to anything he sends or it looks like an argument. Have something nice planned for yourself when you leave. It’s going to be a rollercoaster ride of emotions so a good support network is vital and most of all be very kind to yourself. He’s not your responsibility and the very first time he abused you he gave you permission to walk away x

[Hetty]

I can’t really add much more than what Kip has said.
I decluttered before I left. It made packing and getting stuff out easier. That way I wasn’t taking things that I didn’t want anyway. This might be harder due to lockdown as I took loads to charity shops but even if you put the stuff you don’t want in bags they can just be left behind. My ex didn’t suspect as he thought I was deep cleaning the house. I also took photos of important documents and emailed them to myself at work – joint accounts etc. I got a spare key cut so if he demanded keys back then I’d have a spare if I absolutely needed it. I made sure I knew where everything was in the house that I wanted and I kept them in one place. For example, hard drive with photos etc, laptop, sentimental items – all in a box under the bed. Just make sure he doesn’t get suspicious if you are doing any of these suggestions. I told my ex was cleaning and organising our home so he was oblivious and I always had a box under the bed. If he’s likely to not let you take sentimental items, photos etc or there’s going to be too much to take have a good sort out. Digitise what you can, take photos of photos, get out what you can now to a safe place. Get important small items out now – passport, birth certificate etc. I kept mine in my car. Know where all of these things are as you’ll need them for different things when you’re setting up your new life.
You can do this. Freedom and safety is here ❤️

[ISOPeace]

That’s really helpful ladies, thank you. Much more detail than the general lists I’ve seen.

I’ve been thinking about decluttering but I don’t know if I can face it, especially with charity shops shut. I’m probably a bit of a hoarder TBH and doing a proper declutter before I go will just be another thing to delay me going. Maybe I’ll give myself a decluttering time window and anything I don’t get done just doesn’t get done. Xxxx

[Hetty]

Just do what feels right for you. You know what’s important and more importantly how safe it is to do any of these things. Safety must come first. I’m a natural organiser and declutterer so when I was doing this with leaving in mind my ex didn’t suspect as it wasn’t out of the ordinary. All I’ll say is while you’re there in he house try and be organised as best you can. Use the time wisely but of course don’t use this to delay or stress you out more. My friend left her ex and she left behind old photos thinking she’s get them later but he never let her have them. So all her old family photos are gone now. If these things are important take photos of the photos etc if you’re going to have too much to take at once. My ex has actually allowed me a few items which is more than I thought. When I left I packed up my car and that was it. Anything else was a bonus. I had sorted out my child’s toys etc so I knew what he would really want and where they were, especially his comforters and things which were important to him.
You can do this. Most important thing is getting out and safe. Everything else is replaceable. Xx

[Watersprite]

I think getting out is more important than getting things straight x Also we can find reasons to delay the step into the unknown. Focus your energy on safety planning making preparations and don’t let him know leaving is the most dangerous time. Too much de clutter and he may get suspicious. They are quite surprisingly capable of picking up on things when they want to. Mine sensed things and it got very dangerous we left with bags but stuff is only stuff. Safety first well being second stuff third. Good luck – you can do this x

[gettingtired]

Sorry to hijack your post ISOPeace but does anyone know if you have rights to return to the property to get your belongings? I’m in a rented house and we’re both on the tenancy agreement. Not sure if it’s the same for those with mortgages or not. I wonder if the police would just view it as a civil matter if your partner refuses you entry.
I’m rooting for you and your safe exit 💕

[Anonymous]

I hope u can both leave soon. U can ask for police to go with u to pick up ur belongings. It doesn’t matter if rented. If both ur names are on the property, u have right to entry. Sorry don’t kno what happens if he changes the locks. I don’t kno if maybe the landlord or letting agents could help if he does that.

I don’t kno if u could say u need to visit a family member for emergency, ISOPeace, as excuse to leave without him being suspicious. U could say u need to stay overnight. If u scared of him trying to stop u leaving, u can contact police in advance to let them kno ur leaving an abuser. If u can afford it, u could book a week at a storage place near new house. Tell him ur having a clear out. Hooe everything goes ok and u soon in safe new home. x*x

[Author]

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