Experience of leaving without mentioning abuse

[Mommabear]

Hi everyone,

I’ve posted a few times and i have got to the end of what I can bear so I’ve decided to leave. I have spoken to a solicitor and WA and my close friends and family know.

Has anyone got experience of leaving by just saying it’s over rather than confronting the abuse head on?

I first asked him to leave a year ago and he knows how I feel about his anger/abuse so it won’t be a surprise. Our relationship is non existent and whilst he wants me to forgive and forget, I can’t because he still has terrible outbursts and goes out drinking until late.

Am I just being completely naive? Is this possible that I just end the relationship, file for divorce and move on?

I don’t think I have the energy to do anything different

Mommabear x*x

[KIP.]

It’s ending the relationship that’s the most dangerous time. Your plan sounds great if you were dealing with a rational human being. He’s going nowhere whether you end things or not. He’s had a year. My advice is to get a safe exit plan in place with women’s aid. It’s pointless trying to explain to an abuser. They will twist everything.

[Mommabear]

That’s what I am worried about. I do have a couple of contingency plans and some cash to flee. I also have people on hand to come straight over if he kicks off. Again, am I being naive?

I’m too nice!!!!

[KIP.]

I think you should contact your local women’s aid. Don’t discuss leaving with an abuser. I’m not sure of your circumstances. If it’s your home and he has no right to be there then the police can remove him. However you deal with this it won’t be easy so make sure you have all your ducks in a row and plenty support around you. Don’t confront him on your own.

[Tiffany]

I am not sure there is a difference between confronting the abuse and telling an abuser the relationship is over. I definitely didn’t dare tell my abuser that his abuse was the reason I was leaving him. I would absolutely not try and end things with him alone in a private space, no matter how many people there were ready to come round if needed. I broke up with my abuser in a very public place and then went to my sister’s and when I was sure that it was safe and he hadn’t followed me, went on to my new flat, whose address he didn’t know – and looking back I feel that I didn’t take enough precautions and that I should have been much more careful than I was. I hadn’t grasped the severity of the abuse, or the risk I was facing. I was really lucky it turned out ok. If you are trying to get him out of your home it’s going to be more complicated than that too. You need to talk to women’s aid and get them to help you with a plan. And you may need to involve the police to ensure your safety.

[Mommabear]

Goodness I am naive….that’s probably why I have ended up in this mess to begin with. I just don’t understand how anyone could do this. What an absolute mess I am in.

I have a call with a very experienced and highly recommended lawyer tomorrow, I’m hoping she will enlighten me about my options. I have spoken to WA previously but I don’t want to go down the route of police/authorities just yet. Again, I am probably being really naive.

I just wish someone would take all of this away from me. I feel absolutely devastated that I am even in this position.

xxxx

[maddog]

It’s a horrible and frightening situation to be in Mommabear. I remember your earlier posts and you are making such progress. Well done. You really can’t blame yourself for being naive. These abusers hunt for us depending on their needs. Anyone can become prey. WA can help by listening to you and believing you. They can also help you to safety plan. I know it all sounds melodramatic and over the top. It’s not. It takes a while for things to sink in just how dangerous abusers are. I remember some years ago a bit after the Rob Titchner thing in the Archers, my now ex told me he wasn’t a monster. It is what they believe.

The law won’t offer you emotional support and in the civil courts you could end up spending ££££££££.

The police are here to help people and nobody should live in fear. You may not want to make a statement but it is certainly worth having a chat with the domestic abuse team at your local police.

I was terribly naive. It’s not a path anyone would choose. You are absolutely not alone.

[Mommabear]

I do live in fear, every day of my life. I am also incredibly naive (despite being degree educated!). I just feel that I cannot reason with him. He doesn’t understand. He thinks that how he is is completely normal and this is how relationships are. I see little point in dragging all of this up again.

I have an appointment with a solicitor on Tuesday. I want to understand what my rights are and what I need to do. I’ve spoken to WA and they advised I may have a case for coercive control. I don’t want to go down that route yet (again being naive!)

[KIP.]

Meantime start keeping all documentation. The court will want evidence of finances etc. Bank statements, loans, mortgage statements and make sure your solicitor is aware of the abuse. Keep evidence too if his abusive behaviour in a journal and log it with your GP. that’s important in case he tries to turn the tables or you need a non molestation order.

[Mommabear]

Thanks KIP, I have started to log stuff. I have no idea how much money there is (despite being married, he’s always talked about HIS money). I’m hoping a solicitor can sort this out without going to court. I have so many witnesses of his behaviour who have seen him in action so he doesn’t really have a chance of getting custody of the children.

I spoke to my GP this week (I have spoken to her before) so she is aware of what’s going on.

Yes, that’s my plan, do it the nice way and if he gets nasty then get a non molestation order.

I’m starting to believe that I actually have a chance of happiness here. He can’t control me any longer and he certainly can’t stop me from leaving. There is light at the end of the tunnel

Mommabear xxxx

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi Mommabear
It’s so great to read you are getting out, I am very pleased for you and yes indeed there is a light at the end of the tunnel and happiness lies a head for you and your children.
Do keep in touch with Women’s Aid through it all please, their concern is your safety, which we don’t always think of when there is so much to do.
You are doing all the right things.
Keep going and keep posting

[Mommabear]

Thank you HopeLifeJoy. The solictor has just told me her fees! It’s expensive 🙁 Are there any there options? I don’t have a lot of cash (although financially we are ok) as he controls the money

Mommabear x*x

[KIP.]

Do you qualify for legal aid? It’s sometimes available to victims of abuse. Maybe your solicitor fees can come out of your divorce settlement. Before alerting him try to get hold of financial documents so he can’t hide money. Any bank statements. Cash point receipts etc.

[Author]

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