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    • #135463
      Icecreamsundae
      Participant

      Hi, I’m looking for any experiences of attending this programme – is it relevant and there are useful lessons from having been in a long term abusive relationship with the other parent? Will it be triggering to go?

      The abuse has been acknowledged (detail removed by Moderator) and the ex has finished a DA perpetrators course now, and I’m feeling disillusioned by the process that seems to think everything should be fixed now and we go on the same path as ‘normal’ separating couples.

      He’s gone into manipulation mode with the kids, and there are still signs of control that are just ignored and excused, and My request for guidance on how to pick up abuse if it continues in the exes home was compared to differing parenting expectations on screen time, and we don’t have to agree on everything.

      They were also very clear on being civil to each other, for the benefit of the kids when all the advice I see from the mental health world and abuse organisations accepts this isn’t appropriate.

      I will cooperate as far as needed, and just looking to know if I need to prepare myself for the societal invalidation I was so worried about before I left.

      Thanks

    • #135464
      KIP.
      Participant

      You will get all the validation you need from women’s aid so please contact them for support. I’d use a third party for all communication. You have the right to choose who you allow in your life. You have the right to be free from abuse. There are also parenting apps. Start as you mean to go on. Mediation doesn’t work with an abuser and in my opinion if you try to co parent in the beginning this will be used against you when you try to go zero contact. Gather a good support network x

    • #135466
      maddog
      Participant

      SPIPS is an absolute waste of time. It’s (detail removed by Moderator) ignores abuse. I found it very triggering, patronising and time-wasting. I lodged a complaint. Their first response was dire, so I told them to respond to the question of why they failed to deal with domestic abuse and co-parenting with an abuser. Co-parenting with an abuser is very different to co-parenting with a normal person, and the abuse will continue through the children.

      There’s scant evidence that perpetrator programmes are effective.

      If you can avoid SPIPS, I suggest that you steer clear. Although they told me that they would improve their training into domestic abuse, I don’t believe them. Their model is fixed, and includes teaching the grindingly obvious to the uninitiated. It won’t help you or your children.

    • #135479
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      I would wholeheartedly agree with Maddog’s description, and also bear in mind that there will be male perps on that programme with you, and they will tell you to co-parent, to be civil to him in the face of abuse, and ignore thats abusing and distressing to the children.

      Don’t do it, basically, it will continue to deny and gaslight and invalidate you, as you rightly say.

      It is beyond me how such horrific programmes get away with such massive public funding, its an utter disaster and throwing money down the drain, it hurts the victims and doesn’t even begin to touch the abusive behaviours of the perp.

      If you have to go, by court order, then keep telling the facilitators how its not possible, or that this would be abusive, or raise safeguarding issues and red flags continually, make it clear they are harming victims and allowing perps to continue their abuse.

      Its just another organisation robbing the public of their money, with no evidence of success. A modern day scandal.

    • #135480
      iliketea
      Participant

      (detail removed by Moderator) so had to do it but I logged on and did the introduction, (detail removed by Moderator) It was terrible. I found it really triggering as was the only woman in the “group” sure, it was online but still, how an earth is that even appropriate? Its a tick-box exercise, learnt nothing, I agree, the societal invalidation is one of the worst aspects of this “journey”, WA and people here understand, so keep posting. People who don’t understand or get it, well, for now, concentrate on you, and healing and moving on, then use energy on changing things. Its a waste of energy before then as its such an uphill battle. xx (sorry a bit cynical today)

    • #135481
      maddog
      Participant

      It was a waste of my life. Mine experience too (detail removed by Moderator). Absolute blardy rubbish. Zero respect for survivors of abuse and as others have stated, part of the cycle of the terror (detail removed by Moderator) A perpetrator’s paradise. Sorry, I’m being a teensy bit cynical as well today!

    • #135504
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      I think you are spot on there though MD. (detail removed by Moderator) Some get a better deal, treated with respect and safeguarding prioritised and I wish that was so for every victim of abuse, but sadly it is not.

    • #135561
      Icecreamsundae
      Participant

      Thank you all so much for your replies. I’m so sorry you’ve not had good experiences, and wish there was more understanding across the whole system. On the one hand, I’m being encouraged to attend the freedom programme, but on the other I’m supposed to do this kind of thing.

      I do feel more prepared and I can zone out where needed.

      Thanks also for raising the fact some others on the course will be perpetrators. I hadn’t thought about that at all and it will be good to keep in mind if I do have to join the course.

      Until recently, all contact was through a third party, and now is via an app which feels weird and brings up all the crazy making bit of being expected to be amicable and friendly. When you lived with someone who would degrade and hit you, then turn around to tell you why it was your fault and to now go make them food, it’s asking a lot to chat about how the kids are doing in school. From his side, it looks like he’s trying to do things together and inviting be to joint meetings, or agreeing joint rules, which feel very invalidating and shows no concept of the permanent impact of our history.

    • #135563
      cakepops
      Participant

      I did the programme a short while after we separated, and my ex did it separately, and all it achieved was my ex having something to reference when he made his repeated ridiculous allegations. He would bring things up that the programme covered and accuse me of not doing them, when actually it was the other way around (i.e. projection). It was also something that he would talk to professionals about e.g. saying he does xyz as recommended on the course – making himself look good while actually being entirely untrue.

    • #135566
      Icecreamsundae
      Participant

      Cakepops, Im expecting the same. He’s already doing it on the courses he’s done, but it always seems to be on the bits that support his controlling than the essence of the course. And discussions are littered with nicely phrased references to things we disagreed on as a couple that would always lead to an argument. I feel like people are rolling their eyes at me now when I’m explaining what this seemingly innocent comment actually means. I was told horrible things about me becuase (detail removed by moderator) looks like he’s being nice when it’s actually an instruction and I can remember well the consequences of not following it in the past, but have to forget that somehow.

    • #135625
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      could you log your concerns formally? Write them down and submit them to the course orgnisers and ask for their response to domestic abuse situations and how they handle that, because there are so many male perps on these courses and female victims being invalidated by them?

      Do they provide a contact for your concerns like this?

      I am so sorry you are having to go through this, its just more abuse, and the world needs to know the impact these harmful, publicly funded courses are causing.

      warmest wishes ts

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