Explaining individual incidents

[KIP.]

There are so many incidents over decades but most were started with insignificant petty things which I cannot remember. All I can mostly remember is me crying and feeling terrified but I have to explain these incidents in detail. Any ideas how I can explain that. It just seems unbelievable that I wouldn’t remember what the incidents were about or the details of the incidents. Some of the bigger ones I can remember. I just need help articulating it.

[maddog]

It’s so difficult trying to piece things together. I don’t think we can remember everything, especially when so many other things have happened and the same sort of thing happened again and again over a long period.

I know I have thought, I think I’ve been raped by my husband. I cannot for the life of me remember what made me think that. I cannot remember exactly what he had done that he hadn’t done before or since. A total blank.

I remember the rows. I can remember where I was standing. Again, I can’t remember exactly what happened or when.

Sorry, not much help at all.

[KIP.]

It’s helpful to know I’m not the only one that feels this way. My therapist told me that blank memories are very common in trauma.

[maddog]

I think that a lot of these things slip in under the radar. It is easier to remember the big things, the things when something definitely happened. It’s much harder to articulate something when you can’t quite put your finger on it but you know it’s wrong. I don’t know about you, but I certainly dismissed so much dodgy behaviour. When you don’t recognise something and can’t label it, there’s nowhere to put it.

[purplecat]

I am struggling to remember too and I sometimes wonder if I have over dramatized things or even invented them. Was he really that bad? I think that with emotional abuse we blocked out in order to survive. I find myself trying to explain it to people who care and thinking ‘this does not sound anywhere near as bad as it felt’ and I end up stumbling and apologising. I retreat and think I must be the crazy one. It is a very isolating and lonely feeling.

[itwillbeokay]

Purplecat I am exactly the same. It’s incredibly difficult. I find myself trying to move on but trying to remember how bad it was in order to remember why I left whilst he minimises the whole thing and says I’ve made it up in order to justify leaving with our children. My head is all over the place from one minute to the next. I had tried to write down the regular episodes whilst still there but found it so difficult to find the time and to see the pattern for what it was so I didn’t really do it in the end. So now it’s just a load of fading jumbled memories. He pretended the next day like nothing had happened and the faded within 24 hours as it was, into the nice bits again and round and round it went. Even writing that now I find myself thinking did that happen or has Google convinced me it did which is what he says. But then why would I have been constantly looking up the things I was in the first place! Ugh, it’s a rollercoaster of emotions.

Xx

[freedomtochoose]

I would just like to offer something from the perspective of trauma recovery some years on (won’t say how many for obvious reasons).

I remember when I got to refuge that I couldn’t tell the story of what happened to me.

I know now that this was my brain protecting me. And so the first thing I would say is if you don’t remember something, don’t strain yourself to do so. Just try to stay calm and in the now.

All those grounding exercises, treating yourself, meditation, gardening, whatever helps..

I remember in refuge one night that I tackled not being able to remember with a technique I invented myself.

i got a large piece of paper and some colourful pens and drew a timeline, really big and colourful.

ON it I put dates as far as I were conscious of them and tried to include happy dates like the day and date my child was born.

Less happy dates also went on there…i.e when ex did x*x

I showed it to my solicitor, with my women’s refuge worker there. Don’t think solicitor got it, but refuge worker did as she knew me better and followed my process and also knew my child.

I still have this picture in a drawer and it is quite precious to me as it was my decision to do, and empowering.

Since then, years later I find my identity has shifted (there is lots of evidence for that with ptsd especially when it is chronic).

What my brain is doing now thank goodness is joining up the bits of my life that were happy before i met ex with the bits that are happy now.

Others have mentioned brain plasticity (very hopeful) and how brain can recover.

So, I know this sounds funny, but even now when I have a bad dream I try to say to myself (and the same with my child) thank you brain for working it out.

I’m working on self-love as you can see.

Hope this might help
all best
ftc
x

[Lightness]

I remember that once the fog lifted, everything fell into place and memories came flooding in from out of nowhere. I wrote down the many incidents I could remember and the many things he said to me over the years.

Some time on, I find it hard to recall these things. If I have to explain how bad it was I really struggle because I can remember little things that must sound petty. I also struggle to remember the good stuff (for example fun things I did that didn’t involve him). The memories that are coming back to me now are from years ago before I met him – and yes I can join the dots between those things and my life now – as though I am becoming me again.

I think I might have blanked stuff out too. I can remember him being angry about stuff and me feeling upset/frustrated etc but I can’t always remember how we got there.

I don’t know your reason, KIP for needing to explain the past memories in detail. If it is for reasons of healing, I’m not sure how helpful it is. Of course a lot of memories are stored in the body and I find body work helpful – eg. TRE, yoga. You may of course have a very different reason.

I wonder whether EMDR is a helpful way of accessing memories. I’m yet to try it as a therapy.

Lightness x

[KIP.]

I need to explain in a legal setting. So stressful to begin with. Will start writing again. Thanks all x

[maddog]

I am thinking of you KIP, because I too will have to dig up past horrors to explain them in graphic detail for legal reasons. When I spoke to the PC about it he asked why I hadn’t said these things in the previous interview. I told him that rape is a strong word. I didn’t want to believe that someone I loved would do such a thing when he was telling me he loved me, it was his way of showing affection bla bla. I told him that I wasn’t taking this lightly. I am getting flashes of memory but it’s like trying to remember a dream.

[freedomtochoose]

thinking of you KIP, Iso much appreciate your posts here. Please stay with us
all best
ftc
x

[Clueless]

Hi All,
Gosh it’s reassuring to read these comments. I had a really intense counselling session this week and she asked the question of when did I ladt feel love for him. I honestly cannot remember so we spoke about the past and like many of you I couldn’t Remember many happy times but I remember the days and nights of crying myself to sleep or locking myself in the kitchen being left alone. But again I can’t remember what caused those times not clearly anyway. I know I felt frustrated because I didn’t understand what was going on. I now feel quite angry that I can’t remember anything. Has it really been that bad my brain is covering up the trauma?! It’s so crazy to think this is how i have spent my life for far too many years. And the sad thing is I’m alot more damaged than I thought from this abuse. Feeling really sad.
X*x

[Lightness]

KIP – sorry you’re having to go through the past all over again. It’s so triggering. I hope you are able to do some other stuff too to take your mind off it as it can get so all consuming – for me anyway.

Clueless – sorry to hear you’re feeling so sad. Someone once asked me ‘when did things start to go wrong in your marriage’ – that was not a good question to ask in my opinion as it fails to understand the foundation on which an abusive ‘relationship’ is based. Yes, I’m afraid we endured abuse that is so bad that our brains protect us and we don’t remember. Yes, we put up with it for longer than we should. The abuse is so insidious and we don’t realise the damage that is being done to us. There is a lot to grieve. We will grieve and we will heal. We have a second chance xx

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