Eyes are open

[Pushkin]

Hey guys,

My first time on a forum, guess I’m just looking for a bit of support and affirmation that I’ve made the right choice to cut contact.
My story goes back (removed by moderator) years when I thought I’d met the perfect guy. He was in a relationship when we met at work, and we fast became really good friends to the point he’d come and stay with me (platonic at this stage), but soon after he had supposedly broke up with his gf (lies) it turned romantic. He actually then went travelling and didn’t bother to tell me he was back with his ex, but once I found out he did the usual narc discard aof his ex and bought me a ticket to travel the world with him. Needless to say things were great (love bombing) but fast forward a couple of years and he suddenly discarded of me. We then got back together and soon after I was discarded again. He jumped straight into a new relationship, did all the things we did together, took her to the same places, tried to rub my face in it on social media. I was absolutely heartbroken and couldn’t understand it. I took some time to heal (seeing a therapist) and broke contact for (removed by moderator) years. Last year my dad (removed by moderator) and we got back in contact (hook). I didn’t realise at the time but he was in a new relationship. We spoke every day (romantically) and I felt myself falling back into the chaos and confusion. Anyway my dad passed in (removed by moderator), and my ex decided to ring me to tell me the girl he had been seeing was pregnant. Here’s the really repulsive bit. He rang me to say that he didn’t want it, had told this girl he didn’t love her (I can’t imagine what he’s putting her through right now), was just a child himself (middle aged man child), and that he had considered (removed by moderator) as she was refusing to get rid of it. I guess she is seeing his true self after the charming facade. He also told me that he wished it was mine. I hardly reacted and acted happy (which annoyed him more) he repeatedly said he felt like he had cheated on me and let me down despite not being together the last (removed by moderator)). He then randomly bought (removed by moderator) (because hey they don’t judge (removed by moderator) saying its the only thing that is stopping him from killing himself. I guess a bit of context is that he’s incredibly self loathing and hooks me back every time with the threat of suicide. It’s only recently that I’ve read profusely on N********m and it’s opened my eyes to what I’ve been subjected to. I’ve lost so many years of my life feeling rejected, unloved and wondering where I went wrong as I couldn’t understand people walked the earth unable to feel like a narc does. I am trauma bonded to him and have realised the cycle he puts me through. I’m currently on day (removed by moderator) of no contact and have so far managed to ignore the (removed by moderator). I guess now I feel stupid with this huge void and annoyed how often he enters my head space. I found myself feeling jealous about him starting a family as I thought that was our plan, but actively trying to replace these thoughts with the reality of who he is and that he will never have a happy ending with anyone and the vile abuse he’s already put this girl through also. If anyone has any tips of how to stop these intrusive thoughts and break these bonds for me to move forward for the first time in (removed by moderator) years I would love the support. I can’t believe this happened to me but I’m so glad I finally can understand. Just looking for affirmation that there are good relationships out there and to somehow rebuild everything he destroyed. I just feel so alone and empty.

[Soulsearcher18]

Hi Pushkin
Well done, stick with it. You can sustain it and you definitely will be better off for doing so. You already know this of course but here’s the reassurance you were asking for. Pretty sure I can safely say that I speak for most on here when I say that to you.

Tips on how to stop the intrusive thoughts and break the bonds. You mentioned finally in your post that you feel alone and empty – I think this is where I would want to focus first perhaps. Is this how you are feeling? – I’d be interested to learn if you do have people around you for support? It has been a particularly difficult time with regard to connecting with others and getting out but things are getting a bit better now and there are lots of different opportunities that are popping up, real life events of new places reopening and the continuation of virtual events to get involved in. I’ve also noticed when doing research that there are lots of various different forums out there, on all sorts of topics which can be a way of connecting with others. If you look on Refuge’s facebook site, they are doing a 2 mile walk each day in August event to raise money and there is a group you can join online for this. There are posts on here in the ‘positive moments’ section around art that helped people, positive quotes and 1 positive/1 negative a day reflection. There’s also a post called ‘motivational things to help you rock and roll it’ by braelynn with ideas on things to try that might help you move forward in your journey. There’s also the sisterhood sanctuary by Braelynn in positive moments section which is a visualisation that Braelynn started and which we all add to which might help you.

So, you have found a community here and you are already part of this. You are welcome to stay and offer words of support to others. Post threads that you think might help others, or inspire them. How much you get involved is up to you but you’ve already found this here.

I’d be on the lookout for various different support services and organisations in your area to find out what is available, most organisations now have social media sites/websites which advertise what they offer.

Hope this is helpful in some way.

Soulsearcher

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