Facing the reality that he is an abuser

[gettingtired]

I hope this post makes sense because my mind is a bit of a blur.

Does anyone else feel all over the place with their emotions a lot since realising that they are being abused?
Now I’m realising what’s going on I’m not coping well at all. I’ve started a journal as others have recommended, plan to call Womens Aid for the first time when I feel strong enough, regularly check and read the forum etc but I still feel so weak and alone.

If I’m completely honest I’m beginning to think I’m better off just settling for my life with him, take the nice times as they come and just put up with the bad when it happens.

I don’t see how I will ever recover if I leave? In fact I feel like leaving will definitely give me a mental breakdown. The thought of leaving him brings pain much worse than the times he is horrible to me.

I know others on here have left and it’s always been for the best in the long run but most stories seem to be how the woman got to the point where she totally hated him and just wanted out. I dont feel I will ever get to that point. Or if I do most of my life will have passed me by.
Did anyone here force themselves to leave despite being so badly bonded to him? How did you cope?

It’s been really hard facing this reality (realising he is an abuser) and this evening is the lowest I’ve probably ever felt during the relationship.
Sorry just had to vent x

[KIP.]

It’s an incredible shock to accept we are being abused by someone we love and it will take time to sink in. You dint need to do anything until you’re ready. Abuse always gets worse and at least you now know what he is and that it’s a trauma bond and not love you now feel. You’re right that leaving and breaking that bond was incredibly difficult and painful. We are addicted to these men and you’re having to break a very strong addiction like a drug addict. Many of us leave and return. On average 7 times before finally breaking free. The trust was gone for me and that was a big help. Understanding that he abused me deliberately too. Perhaps some counselling for yourself may help you understand why you feel like you can’t leave someone who hurts you. It may build your self esteem and confidence too. You’re still in shock and probably trauma so work on yourself first x loving him won’t make the abuse stop x

[gettingtired]

Thanks @KIP, everything you say makes so much sense. I do really need some counselling but I’m so worried I wont be able to, I just cry then I cant speak. I called one of the local support lines earlier who unfortuantely couldnt help me but I found I just ended up minimising what happens, kept saying ‘I dont know really’ and found it hard to talk had a huge lump in my throat so it didn’t really go to plan. I know nothing is going to happen quickly but he’s trying to push me into moving somewhere else him so I’ve got the added stress of that x

[BurntOut]

Hi GT,
Its a horrible shock, im going through it myself at the moment and as stupid as it sounds i had not realised that i was being physically abused as well as mentally. Not obvious stuff like being punched in the face. Its still very raw and im ashamed and humiliated that i allowed myself to be treated so badly. But im also trauma bonded. I left him but keep wishing i hadnt, and cry for him frequently. Im trying to ride it out because i know i deserve better but it is hard and ive slipped a few times and messaged him.
You undoubtedly deserve far better than what you have now. Its not easy but you are not alone in feeling like this. I thought i was weak, feebly insane until i found this forum full of women who describe their own experiences and feelings as if they read my mind.
I hope you feel able to draw some strength from the forum, im very new but i come here when the darkness envelopes me, to remind myself im not alone. No one will judge you or tell you what to do. Xx

[gettingtired]

Thanks @BurntOut, I am exactly the same as you, didnt think I had suffered physical abuse really (same it wasnt punches in the face) but other things. So happy for you that you managed to get out. At the moment I dont see how that will happen for me but I have to keep on going and hope one day I have strength x

[Beautifulday]

Hi there!

I had no idea I was being abused until I came onto this forum back in (detail removed by moderator) when I felt I was just in a bad relationship as ive been with him so long I can’t see the reality or bigger picture. Once the ladies here confirmed it was abuse I’m not going to lie I felt all sort of emotions, I felt lost I felt confused, I felt scared, I felt angry I had such bad days but also good days and when I look at how far I’ve come since (detail removed by moderator) I have come a long way! Im not out yet but im slowly getting there.

I am severely trauma bonded and my H is emotionally abusive mixed with periods of being nice and love bombing this is what confuses me, when he’s nice I feel sorry for him I feel guilty I think how can I leave him, then I think back to all the hurtful horrible things he’s said and done , I come to the forum, I listen to podcasts, I read books I keep myself busy.

They will never change, and if we get this gut feeling something is not right its usually right and we should listen to this, we deserve to be in a loving relationship, where we dont walk on eggshells where we NEVER have to question is it abuse? We would never need to come to this forum. I just want to be free to be me, live my life alone for a while and discover myself.

I’m not going to say its easy its not you really need to take baby steps, some mornings you will wake up and feel awful I know I do ! But then you keep pushing forward keep taking them baby steps and gradually you will gain courage and strength.
Try to keep yourself busy, I enjoy walking and hiking , others like jogging or swimming, crafting etc whatever you enjoy do it! And if you don’t feel like force yourself to as you will feel do much better, I joined an online (detail removed by moderator) course in (detail removed by moderator) and just seeing others on the zoom makes me feel so much better takes my mind off him.

We are still living together which is so hard but im trying to do the grey rock method, focus on myself and my health and I feel slowly om gaining strength

You can do this lovely, you obviously know something is off in your relationship otherwise you wouldn’t be here, realisation can be hard I know it was for me

[gettingtired]

Thanks @beautiful day, everything you’ve said I can relate to. I’m going through all those emotions now and the thought of trying to now act on it fills me with dread. When he’s nice it’s even worse because then I feel completely guilt ridden and even more upset x

[Catjam]

It’s so hard, I think it was easier when I knew something was just not right. I have been in my relationship so long he doesn’t need to really do anything because I am so well trained. I rarely leave the house except to work or shop. He does nothing around the house, he has blown money on stupid hobbies instead of helping me make our house lovely.
The waking up to it is so devastating, it’s hard not to fall back into old patterns.
I have stopped turning to him if I need help with anything. I either pay someone to fix the issue if I can or I google a solution.
I am slowly pulling away from him and know deep down I will walk away one day but part of me clings to the hope he will change but honestly I don’t believe he will nor could I trust it wasn’t just another manipulation.
Hopefully one day I will value myself more than him. Xx

[gettingtired]

Hi Catjam, I’m the same as you I dont leave much other than for work, shop or things he wants to do. I do go home and stay at Mum’s but that’s about it. I’m always feeling a bit anxious. It’s very hard still living together but trying to create distance. He’s just still in the same old routine of abuse, love bombing.. the same old cycle. Yes same, I still care and worry more about him than myself. I keep thinking to myself what am I waiting for?! xx

[Catjam]

I was talking to someone about it the other day, how life wasn’t so bad at the minute. That maybe we can find a new path as I have grown in strength and stand up for myself a little more. The person I was talking to said to go home and tell hubby I was planning on going out for a drink with some of the people off my (detail removed by moderator). Or that I was going to go to my male bosses house to sort some paperwork rather than trying to fit it in around work.
My stomach was instantly in knots and I started making up reasons why I couldn’t do either. My friend gently pointed out that the things they suggested were not bad things but normal things, people in healthy relationships took for granted they could do.

[Risingup]

I just want to add support to everything written in this thread. I found myself nodding to almost every word. I’m in an abusive relationship….like you said very rarely physical and if so not in typical ways. I get gaslighted regularly and often think what have I done? I’m starting to think I’m going crazy! We had a really happy week and then all of a sudden upset with me and have no idea why.

I’m working on myself exercise, taking interest on career etc! Hoping that myself esteem will rise. I need to start to believe that I deserve better.
Hugs to you all xx

[ijustwantedhappiness]

Hello,
I felt exactly like you did never believed I would leave and didn’t think it was abuse until a solicitor pointed it out to me. I took the step of valuing my house which led to worse abuse. Something will happen and you will think I can’t do this anymore and out the blue you’ll find the strength to leave. Even now I find it hard to accept he was abusive and feel sad for him despite police involvement. Sending lots of love x*x

[gettingtired]

Aww thank you ijwh, I really hope that moment comes. I am starting to hate my life. I know it will extremely difficult to ever not feel guilty or bad for him. I’m glad to hear you got out x

[gettingtired]

Thanks @beachhut, it’s so true that accepting it is bad enough but taking action is even worse. Yes I can imagine you have those awful days but those awful days often happen in the relationship anyway. It’s so hard. I’m just worried I wont be able to cope or function properly, that I wont be able to work and will need to be signed off or quit. All adding to the stress. Hopefully a time will come soon that I can sort my head out and find the strength x

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