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Has anyone had to face their abuser many years later having had no face to face contact or any direct contact. After suffering PTSD and making a reasonable recovery. Need some tips on what to expect. I know in the early days when I saw him it was catastrophic but I’m hoping several years later I will be strong enough. Am I being naive?
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These days you have tools in your kit and strategies to better cope with the situation. It may help to think out loud your affirmations and anything you may wish you’d said. You probably know this, but it may help you feel as though you’ve heard it before. It will be frightening and traumatising, but these days you are not in the same place. Now you are able to see things through a different lens and this should offer you protection. Lean on your supporters as much as possible. We will all hold your back.
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God no. I never want to see him again, I am afraid to have a go at him with my nails and teeth out like a crazy caged animal.
I know you are much stronger now you truly are but I understand triggers are set very deep and you are afraid of them taking over and paralise your senses and speech ability when you need to be sharp.
Perhaps start with looking at pictures from him and observe your reaction to it.
Set triggers to yourself, in a safe environment. Tell yourself his name, imagine how he would look at you with a smirk.
And observe your reactions to the self inflicted triggers. Also see how you can calm down from it and what you would need for you to feel safe should you feel scared/triggered. -
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Kip I think you need to take professional advice on this. You may end up flooding yourself with trauma responses. Is there any way you can avoid this? What is the benefit to you? If it’s a court scenario you may be able to approach it without contact or seeing him. PTSD is a tricky thing to deal with and if you are psychologically Undefended this could end badly for you. Wishing you all the best x*x
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I agree with Cecile and think professional advice is a good idea. These abusers damaged our mental psyche and who knows what is buried deep inside that could be triggered by seeing him again. I know time has passed and you are stronger but be wary of unexpected reactions. I know I never want to see my abuser again. Just be careful xx
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Thank you for the replies. It made me realise that I do not ever have to be near him again. I’ve fought for zero contact for several years now. It’s court without going into detail but I’m going to fight for a video link and special measures. Why should I even risk undoing all the hard work and triggering myself. I’m still struggling to read anything On paper about the abuse. My mind shuts down and I feel like a three year old trying to make sense of a page of words. I don’t have to be brave at all. I’ve been brave and it’s overrated. Being sensible and reasoned is much better lol. Yes he is a pathetic worm playing the victim. Karma comes for them all in the end x
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Fantastic and well balanced decision Kip, I have been worrying about this! Brave is a concept that cannot be applied to these situations you are very very wise. I stupidly thought for decades that I could be brave and manage him and bring up the kids and so on. Basically these men are chaos in human form, deviant usurpers of all around them. Being sensible and self protective is the only approach. Yes, why should you undo all that work? Any specialist or doctor should be able to support your decision in writing to help you. Focus your energy on that and managing your PTSD and being good to Kip, not that evil man.
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Video link sounds like a good plan. I saw my ex after say a year of no contact at court. I had no choice in the matter as I did ask for separate rooms screens. I mentally prepared and appeared unemotional that day I even managed to laugh abit infront of him – it was all bravado. That was the last time I saw him up close xx the first time I went to court the outcome wasn’t what I wanted and I broke infront off everyone I made sure I’d never to that again xx I’d say get the video link and save yourself the burden of putting on this front xx it’s doable but can’t lie it does retraumatise us xx
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Thanks again for the support. Its good just to bounce my thoughts off others and to be reminded of just how far I have come. I’ve got everything in place for my own mental health. Why should court make any difference to that. If the Judge wants me in court I’m happy to do that if the worm is miles away on a video link. His choice 😈
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Yes, that is one of the biggest hurdles but it will come for you too. When you feel nothing for them. They count on our feelings to keep them safe but once that goes, they are fair game. The apprentice becomes the master when the fog clears and you see just how pathetic they are. What kind of a man abuses a woman? Lowlife.
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Sounds like the best option if you can get it KIP; I found that the first day was the worst; after that each time my emotional response got smaller, like you I cant read a thing on the day have no concentration ability, however, you really have been to hell with this man, so yes, any safety measure you can get – get them.
Do remember, you are not that squashed, frightened, battered you any longer, you now have clarity, you can hold your head up high and stand firm in your truth; he’s the mouse caught in a trap this time x
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Pathetic looser? But I do like pathetic worm though it’s so much funnier 😄
You’re so right, you don’t have to prove him anything, he’s not worthy of your presence.
Keep yourself protected, don’t risk anything, keep your health and strength intact. All this hard earned work goes towards you, your life, he doesn’t get to see the beautiful person you are, he hasn’t earned the privilege. You choose who enters your life always 😘 -
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Hi Kip, i faced my abuser (detail removed by moderator) later.i visited my hometown and he just came up behind me (detail removed by moderator) talking to my back,i point blank refused to engage face to face, i was shaking but i didnt let him see that, he got a bit personal, and i said if he didnt go away id scream at the top of my lungs and create holy hell. He backed off thank god, i felt good that i was the one in control of that situation 👊💞
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What a great story ✊ I bet it felt good. You’re not the same woman he knew. I bet he got a real fright. What gets me is their sense of entitlement after all the harm they’ve done they walk right up and start chatting. They have no sense of time even after all that time he still thinks he can start again where he left off. Seriously they have a chip missing x
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KIP – if anyone has the strength to get through this it’s you. You seem to have so much knowledge and have helped so many others. But I think it’s very sensible to ask for a video link. I can’t speak for everyone and I am only at the beginning of my new start but even now when I know he is near I become uneasy and anxious – in a perfect world I would never have to hear of him ever again!
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You can absolutely limit contact to the bare minimum. It took me time to realise that I have a choice who I allow in my life. It took police courts and a restraining order driven by my gut instinct for self preservation. It took me two years for my brain to work out that he couldn’t mind game me into allowing him back into my life. Trauma robs us of rational thinking so rely on the advice of organisations like women’s aid and those who have walked in your shoes. Have confidence in your own abilities. These men are pathetic and it’s only in our abused minds that they hold power. Others can see their dysfunction x
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Hey KIP
Hats off to you!
I’m having EMDR at the moment – I wonder if you might want to consider it, in preparation. Just a thought. I had a particularly good session today and I am feeling particularly empowered. Interestingly the EMDR I am having has not even started with processing the traumas relating to him, as we are starting from my teenage years (nothing to do with abuse), but even processing that is really helpful and it’s actually strangely taking the energy away that I have ‘given’ to him, if that makes any sense. He’s just a boy I met and used to know.Sending hugs and strength your way
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Hi KIP only you know if you can dance him, trust yourself but I agree with you video link seems most sensible option.
I confronted my ex when he happened to be on the same restaurant as me… I waltzed up said hello asked how he was and smiled so sweetly at the woman with him. It was ok as I was in control, but it rattled me for several days afterwards. I’ve not seen him face to face since but regularly lose the plot when I see his double in tbe distance! So frustrating that this bloke lives near me walks the same route and has an uncanny resemblance to my ex – from a distance anyway. That tells me I couldn’t face him again unless I was firmly in control of the whole situation
I’m sorry you are still fighting your battles with him and hope you’ll be strong. Do what feels right and safe for you xx -
Thanks Lightness. I’ve been told to wait till after court to have EMDR but have tried EFT and it was helpful. We are going to do that regularly as you say for other things rather than abuse. White Rose. Lookey Likeys. There are so many in the beginning. Men morphed into my ex. It gets easier. Lately it’s the crease at the back of the neck of bald overweight men that triggers me. Certain shapes of men and over developed calf muscles. Bizarre. Suppose I’m just processing it all in the background. I’m learning to deal with triggers much better till I can brush them off x
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