Failed attempts of getting help and advice :(

[Anonymous]

I’m new !

I’ve tried to reach out to services and having no luck,

After many a year and having counselling , I am in an emotionally abusive marriage and other things like he has sex with me when I’m asleep if I don’t allow it he sulks the next day

I’ve asked him to leave but he won’t , he says he can’t afford to , he threatens it but never goes .

I’ve tried my local authority who can’t help me I’ve tried a DV local charity and still waiting a call back , I’ve tried online chats that made me feel like I’m selfish for not putting my children first , but I’m trying , I feel so lonely and that this is never going to get any better

The abuse has stopped for now as after a counselling session I pulled him up of it ( feeling impowered ) he knows what he is doing to me and For now it’s gone quite and he’s playing the victim.

I’m so driffrent than I was a few years back , I’m starting to feel like I’m the toxic one , maybe it’s me and not him ?

[Anonymous]

Yellowflower I don’t know if your aware of this but if he’s on you in that way while your asleep it’s non consent (others on here will use the proper term) none of this is right it make me fume when people who are trying to get support when they’re already in a situation when theres hurt and invalidation are being abandoned by a system and people who are mean to understand and support it takes a lot to acknowledge what’s happening and be brave enough to seek outside support already. Don’t give give up trying to seek support you’ve come this far now 💗🤗💗

[Lisa]

Dear Yellow-flower,

Thank you for posting and welcome to the forum. I’m sorry to read that you’ve been having difficulties when trying to get help, I know that can be very frustrating and disheartening. You have clearly been trying, which shows your strength, and it’s really positive that you’ve reached out here; talking to other survivors can be so helpful.

You have explained domestic abuse including sexual abuse. This is not you being the toxic one- this is how abusers can make you feel after many years of turning it onto you and reducing your self-esteem and clarity of thought.
Through your counselling and posting on here hopefully you can share any doubts you have so you can get some reassurance that this is not your doing. The only person responsible is your abusive husband.

With regards to trying to get support- please don’t give up. I do acknowledge that it can be hard to get started, especially as services are stretched, but there is help for you.
I suggest contacting your local domestic abuse service again. Alternatively you could search here to see if there are any other services in your area.

You could also contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to talk through your options. You could talk to them about refuge if that is something you would consider as a first step to help you to get safe.

If you have any specific questions please do ask and I’ll try my best to help,

Keep posting, I hope you find the forum a supportive place to be.

Lisa

[Anonymous]

I finally made contact with our local DV charity and I’m feeling so guilty about even talking to them about it , is that normal ?

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Yellow-flower

yes. Its fairly common I’d say. A lot of women feel like by receiving help they are either taking the service away from someone else, or that its not as bad for them as for others, and feeling guilty.

I’ve just thought though, that you may be referring to a sense of betrayal? Is that what you were meaning? As, yes, thats common too I’d say. You have kept his secrets all these years and felt close to him, and now you feel like you are breaking all his confidences. Well, the moment he started abusing you he changed the rules and became your enemy, not on your side, and it caused you huge harm so you prioritise yourself now, and say whatever you need to so that you can heal from his harms, without guilt. That belongs to him, its his guilt and shame, you have nothing to be guilty for.
warmest wishes

ts

[Author]

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