Failed by the Justice system

[Sunshineee]

I feel like I have been failed by the system…my ex is getting out of prison early. No matter how much I fought against it and told them why this can not happen, it’s going ahead. I feel broken. How do I cope with this, I always knew this day would come but not so soon, I’m disgusted with the system in all honesty. I’ll be going back to that living in fear and panic all the time, jumping every time the phone goes, every time the door goes, looking over my shoulder walking down the street or walking home. My whole life has been centred around him even after he got sent down and now he’s coming out again so soon it’s all about him again, how do I take back control and make it about me. I’m a nervous wreck already, cried so many times and even had a panic attack. I feel my freedom and my safety goes as soon as he comes out, Iv just gone 100 steps backwards in this recovery.

[Soulsearcher18]

I’m really sorry to hear this Sunshineee.
What support do you already have in place?
Do you see a GP regularly? If not, I would suggest booking in and seeing one regularly- ideally one that you like and trust. It may be helpful, if you are not already, to discuss the possibility of medication for a period of time.
If they think this would be an option, you could then use this to access some counselling (if you haven’t already) to develop some coping strategies (i think that’s what they call them), so that you have tools to help you to relax and distract yourself, or to stay focused on things that you want to do.
Do you continue to have domestic abuse support? If not, it may be worthwhile accessing their services again for on-going support.
What support do you have from the police, e.g. victim support etc. There should be someone you can talk to about your practical security and to ensure that everything that possibly can be done to ensure your safety happens. Having an advocate like a domestic abuse worker may help with getting all of this sorted and may take some of the pressure of you to get this sorted.

I hope this helps in some small way, I have focused on practical things as don’t get me started on systems…
I am sure the other women on here will join in with some great advice for you.

Take care

Soulsearcher

[Anonymous]

Maybe you need to move away….I’ve done it a few times with pretty much nothing but a couple of bags. Sometimes we really do have to put our heads up from being “so close up to something” that we can’t see beyond it. I hear people all the time talk about how they couldn’t leave the ghetto and they became like the rest of the hood and this and that… And I’m thinking uhhh…….there’s a bus station very close to you so, get on it. Go somewhere else. Make money doing whatever, that’s not criminal that is, and send money back home if you need to for your family but no need to stay where life is miserable. It’s a big world out there.

Start making those squirrels up in your attic pay for the nuts you give them and twirl that motor around to the ON position. Put on your thinking cap, think outside the box. What if? Do you have family or friends somewhere else? One thing I wouldn’t be doing is sitting around like a duck waiting for the shoe to fall and living in fear all the time. And knowing idiot guys like he probably is, he’ll be out to be all vengeful because nothing is never his fault, right? No way to live, sweetheart. And yes the system failed you. Happens alot. but you don’t have to be in this cage so just for kicks and giggles – tell yourself this is unacceptable and you need to move away and just see what pops up as a possibility in your brain? Can’t hurt, right?

I have moved 4000 miles away before with no job, nothing and landed on my feet because I was determined to do so. There’s a law somewhere in the universe that says if you are determined to do so – mountains will move. They do. I’ve seen it happen. There is always a way but we can’t see that way if our heads are stuck in our navel or somewhere else, right? C’mon, c’mon, you know you hear me……

[Sunshineee]

I have support from IDAS & practical support is being arranged in terms of safety. I’m reluctant to see my GP as I don’t have a click with just one you see someone different every time you go, I always bottle it when I think of calling them. I was in touch with a private counselling a month back, she said she’d be in touch to speak to me for a second time but never did, I text her & no reply.

I don’t want to feel pushed out of my home because of him, Iv not been here long and made it my own & cosy. I have plans for university, my friends and family are here, I have a baby to think of I can’t just up and go that would never work.

[Soulsearcher18]

I am not sure if it is possible at your surgery but you have a right to see a GP consistently given the nature of what you need to share with them. You have friends and family around you and you have professional support, one of them can advocate for you and speak to your GP practice on your behalf to discuss this and get it organised. This would take the pressure off you. If they cannot offer a consistent GP- is there another nearby surgery that could? They, your friends and family, can even potentially support you to an appointment (I know most services are still over the phone at the moment though).

Your friends and family, or IDAS could also help you to follow up and organise the counselling. I know that some local Women’s Aid services potentially have access to funding for counselling? Counselling services and what is available is also worth following up with your GP practice- again, your friends, family, or the IDAS can assist with this.

Just my opinion but I feel that GP support and counselling are urgent needs and this should be a priority alongside the safety support.

I am sorry about the situation that you are in. It is so unfair that women and children are the ones who have to flee to safety. It is going to be vital to get that safety support on board and ensure that you understand it all and that it is robust. I wonder what restrictions he will have, shouldn’t he be made to live out of area and have restrictions, tag etc? I would want to know what on earth their plan is for him too. I realise that it’s important to move on but someone needs to have an eye firmly on him.

Keep posting let us know how you get on.

Take care

Soulsearcher

[Anonymous]

I had suggested this awhile back for someone else….maybe get one of those emergency alerts that you can wear. It’s usually called a medical alert but it doesn’t have to be because you have a medical problem. It can be used for personal safety as well and worn around your neck or on your wrist. They are inexpensive. Might be worth checking out and could give you some peace of mind. You don’t have to have your phone on you because that’s the whole thing is people if they fall or whatever – don’t have a phone handy necessarily. They can usually talk right to you, and have your GPS location and send help. Just a thought….

[Sunshineee]

He can come back to the same area Iv been told even though I appealed that he couldn’t however, restrictions of the area have been put in place…not convinced he will stick to these as he has no respect for the law & has broken things like this in the past. An emergency alert is a good suggestion!

None of this is ideal for my mental health, I feel like I’m crumbling more & more everyday.

[Soulsearcher18]

The alert thing is a great idea. I know it is something else to think about but hopefully it could just become part of your routine using it and would hopefully help you feel more secure.

That’s unacceptable, in my humble opinion, that he should be allowed back in your area-or anywhere near. It is unacceptable when you get mothers who have to move miles away and cannot return for safety reasons. The authorities have a choice to be able to rehouse him somewhere else/put restrictions on and not let him in your area. Is he not going to be tagged? Are they not going to monitor him? Can’t just let him free. Needs to be put far, far away from you, tagged, monitored and – I hate to say this- ‘supported/made -(ughh, makes me sick when mothers and children struggle to get support)’ to create a new life elsewhere.
There is a child in this too right? This is not good enough. Not good enough at all.

Please let friends/family or IDAS help you to access GP support. The impact on you needs to be logged, it will in turn have an impact on your child too and there’s been something in news recently that children are to be recognised as domestic abuse victims in their own right (can’t come soon enough). From logging with GP and receiving on-going support, I would then use IDAS, friends and family to support you in contacting local councillors and your local MP to discuss this issue. You’d be amazed how some services can shift and move with a little political pressure and with a conversation or two from people in ‘higher’ places. Everything is worth a try.

Regardless of whether he’s a rule breaker or not, if he is put in a different area and not allowed to come into your area- there is a chance and I know it is slim that if things are made difficult for him, he may move on from you. Sadly most likely onto someone else but that’s not your concern as you’ve flagged it and been extremely brave- there are others who need to take responsibility here now.

This needs to get political- you need letters of support from GP and IDAS, school/nursery etc.

Last thing you want to hear, more for you to think of and do but please get your network working with and for you- the wider you can make that network the better, e.g. are there more than one domestic support services in your area, what about victim support services. It may be worth checking in with Lisa who moderates forum here to make sure you are accessing all the possible support services that you can in your area. You need professionals behind you on this.

My feeling is this needs to go bigger and higher, as in, you don’t want the people on the ground- you want their managers, their superiors to be hearing you and it doesn’t need to be you challenging- this needs to come from the professionals around you. Rally. There is a wealth of evidence out there right now as to why he shouldn’t be within a million miles of you. What they do about that? Not your problem but it is their duty and responsibility to ensure you and your child are safe. They need to know, if they take this decision and don’t listen, they will be held to account for their own actions and decisions. As in, it won’t just be him that will be reported if he breaks conditions- you intend to hold them to account too.

May also be worthwhile speaking to a solicitor (think they do free half hours), get some advice around this- can you take legal action against the services that are going to allow this to happen? Certainly a legal letter at least ensuring that the services responsible are warned officially of the dangers, the impact on you and that you intend to hold them to account should your safety be put at risk.

I hope I’m making sense as I’m rushing this. I know it all seems really extreme and perhaps far fetched but believe me, people that get what they want- they wouldn’t hesitate to take any, or all of these steps. They shout loud. This isn’t entitled behaviour, this is your right. You have a right to be heard and listened to, not just given the grand fob off.

This isn’t all on you though. That network needs to get working right now, no time to waste. Please don’t be afraid to ask for help and to be specific in the help that you need.

I feel like I’m sounding really bossy, I hope I’m not being- I’m just rushing. I just got this feeling that some of the stuff I’ve mentioned you might think that you couldn’t/shouldn’t do but I just want to let you know that people do this all the time and that you don’t have to be the one doing it all- people can advocate for you. You are traumatised right now and need therapeutic gentle support but others around you need to be rallying.

Soulsearcher

[Sunshineee]

I contacted my local MP to help
Me in fighting the early release but it didn’t work, he’s out now I received the call today…what a day is all I can say. I might look into seeing if I can get him moved, speak to Idas and the gp and local council are what they say. I feel Iv done so much fighting for months and months to get justice and I ensure my safety and I am so utterly exhausted now the more I’m fighting against stuff the more I’m falling apart.

[Soulsearcher18]

You did all that and this still happened…
I have no words…
The incompetence at all levels just makes me so cross, so it is no wonder you feel like you do.

I am so sorry to hear this.

Aside from the safety aspects which you said IDAS were sorting, I think first port of call has to be your GP and some emotional support for you around this. I think you said you were finding this difficult to book, I would get family, or IDAS to book this for you and even go with you if possible. This is all ok and understandable.

Following that, it has to be back to chasing up these organisations and that MP again. If he is to be housed by local authority, perhaps local councillor too. If you haven’t had a good enough response from MP etc contacting them independently then getting some letters of support, or if any of the DA services can advocate for you, support you with the appointments even better.

There are no easy answers to this I don’t think. I would be interested to hear what other more experienced survivors suggest. I know moving is not something you want to do and I understand that but if you started to feel staying wasn’t an option, they’d surely have to move you asap. As in, like Braelynn said, moving may be the safest option (in the face of such epic incompetence- sorry, I am still cross, I’d sign a petition no question!).

For now though, your friends and family are there and so surround yourself with them- that’s a little easier now things have been relaxed and ask them for help with this.

Take care

Soulsearcher

[Soulsearcher18]

So sorry to hear this Sunshineee and I am glad to hear that you are now safe and home.
I am drawing on the positives from your post here- you have a friend who took care of you and supported you through this and was able to advocate for you and you have now managed to speak to your GP and that went well. I hope that the appointment is soon.

Right now the focus has to be on your emotional well-being and surrounding yourself with gentle support to help you restore your strength.

I hope you had that bubble bath and got some rest, I really do.

I just want to add on here that someone mentioned that they have found the Samaritans to be really helpful – the number is 116 123. I just wanted to make sure that you have a contact for someone to talk to asap if you ever need to. Also, if you need help urgently -please do call your out of hours GP line, or emergency services. I know you already know this but from someone who has had to call emergency lines at late o’ clock before now- it always tends to be out of hours when these moments occur and it is ok to make the call for support. Sometimes this can make all the difference.

I’ll check in on you tomorrow but you do what you need to to feel better and if this forum helps, use us, if you feel you need a break from tech-take it and we will catch up with you when you are ready.

Whatever the case, we’re here.

Thinking of you and wishing you well

Soulsearcher

[Author]

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